Episode Transcript
Speaker 0 00:00:00 Well, well,
Speaker 1 00:00:02 Well, welcome to the remastered version of season one.
Speaker 1 00:00:13 He won't let me be your, let me be meat. So let me see. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the artists, whose music I used in season one. So now you
Speaker 0 00:00:25 Get to hear me
Speaker 1 00:00:26 Saying it's going to be real good when the auto-tuned version comes out. That is
Speaker 0 00:00:46 Bye Paul . I am a drug addict to eating disorder. we aim to bring all the stigma to hedges. You have experience Strang and
Speaker 1 00:01:57 Thank you. Oh, so much for bearing with my out of Tunis. And The remastered version of season one episode one, Cody P speaks up
Speaker 0 00:02:13 World,
Speaker 1 00:02:14 Come to authentic. What's hot. What's happening, ladies and gentlemen. Shane. Welcome to the show. I am Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons Vanden Heuvel. And with me as always is my dog mark.
Speaker 1 00:02:38 All right. That's that's enough. Marlin, go back to licking the floor. Before we get to my guest, I'm going to tell you a little bit about my show. We are all things recovery based here at authentic. It's the idea that if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you, yes, you are in recovery from something that could be bullying. It could be schizophrenia. That could be an eating disorder. Could be any thing because life tends to get very lifelike from time to time. And we all go through struggles. We all go through strife. We all experience pain. It is about how we approach that, how we deal with that, how we overcome that, which is the most important thing. I myself, I'm in recovery from an eating disorder. I am in recovery from chemical dependency. I have depression. I have anxiety. I have a great many things, but really it's not about me. It is about my guest Cody, better place. Today's topic, speech impediments, Cody. Welcome to the show
Speaker 3 00:03:45 Life. Thank you, brother. I'm
Speaker 1 00:03:47 Happy to be here. Everybody knows your name now, but why don't you repeat it for us real quick.
Speaker 3 00:03:52 Cody, Aaron had a place.
Speaker 1 00:03:54 Thank you for repeating that for the record. And I will now be using that when I call the FBI for unsolved mysteries.
Speaker 3 00:04:02 I'm sure I could help them out with something.
Speaker 1 00:04:04 Oh no, no. You'll be the perpetrator. Oh yeah. Yeah. That'll be it. It'll be voice recognition as to who's been raping and pillaging all the play places in the greater Minneapolis area. There's been an issue in the ball pits. That's what I've been told. That's what I've been told. Let's get right down to it, man. We're talking about speech impediments today. So why don't you tell me just a little bit about yourself and about how speech impediment has played a role in your life.
Speaker 3 00:04:31 All right. Well, I'm 29 years old. I have stuttered for as long as I can remember. I don't remember a at the time I haven't stuttered. It has been the single single-handed like a, the biggest influence in my life. Either positive or in the negative. It is something that comes up every . I mean, now it's just always been there. And for years, like almost my whole life, it has isolated me from the world. I have a little wild, this thing to define me, to crush me, to, to like, to make me feel like I am worthless. Like there's no point in continuing, like it constructs trolls, every aspect of my life, pretty much for 27 years, locked me into a cage. And then I'm also like in recovery from chemical dependency. And like I had to, when I had issue about 18 months ago is through the treatment programs and the 12 step programs had, I like went through and still M N uh, that's really where I found my voice. And I was able to learn how to open up to people in small groups, large groups. I've spoken publicly a few times now. So yeah, that has really helped me. But for most of my life, it's almost every aspect of my life
Speaker 1 00:05:59 And controlling every aspect of your life. Take me through what that looked like when you were a child getting into the education.
Speaker 3 00:06:06 Okay. At the earlier years, you know, we'll start with like pre K through third grade. I was pulling it a lot. I didn't understand why I was different. Kids would make fun of it. And you know, like a being made fun of, for something that you can't control stroll, it's a pretty heady hailing. So I got a very small or young age. I wouldn't call it pressure, but I definitely like learned about tart places and S height of myself, uh, because of that. And I stayed there for a very long time.
Speaker 1 00:06:46 Do you have any voices that still stick with you to this day? Things that kids would say to you? No.
Speaker 3 00:06:50 Uh, luckily through a local level, the level, a lot of like the inner, like work that I've done through the 12 step programs or therapy or the holistic healing stuff, you know, that I do, I've allowed myself to move through that at least on a conscious level. I mean, I'm sure subconsciously there are some deep wounds, you know, that are still there, but they, like when they present themselves, I could do my best to target them and then to process them properly.
Speaker 1 00:07:23 Now, could you give me an example of what kids might say to you?
Speaker 3 00:07:25 Hey, man, I got called like a minute, a repeating river record, like a lot, which like really doesn't sound that mean, but being a eight years old and then going home and thinking up pout that like, it did hurt a lot and really just, uh, like to being bullied physically, because of it, there was some like a verbal stuff, but was actually physical. So
Speaker 1 00:07:55 Kids were literally beating the shit out of you. Well, they tried,
Speaker 3 00:07:58 But yeah.
Speaker 1 00:08:00 Keyword there. Try. Yes. As you got older and you got into your pubescent years, how did it affect you there?
Speaker 3 00:08:08 By that point? It kind of just shut me to town from the outside world. I was very hard at, I didn't let anybody in. I wouldn't raise my hand in class. Like I could technically speaking. I was always a very good student and I wouldn't know the answer. And I wouldn't like, I'll raise my hand because I didn't want to stutter. That's still stays with me. That's really hard to want to be able to participate and feel like you can,
Speaker 1 00:08:36 Speaking of participating when you were in class and you did projects together, sometimes you are asked to come in front of the class and present. Is that something that you completely avoided or is that something that the teachers just made you do? And it was just hell, oh,
Speaker 3 00:08:52 I completely avoided it. I played the victim role and it
Speaker 1 00:08:56 Worked. Okay. What do you mean by played the victim
Speaker 3 00:08:58 Role? I said, I stutter and I don't want to stand up there because that makes me feel bad. And I don't want to be put through that situation. And
Speaker 1 00:09:06 Did any teachers ever
Speaker 3 00:09:07 Make, you know, but you know, it's like hindsight. I really wish they did because you know, like through like small group speaking and like speaking in front of people, like now, like I'm are doing like my, a live energy healing sessions, you know, like I do speaking publicly. It's still hard. Some times are easier than others, but that is why. And I guess I find my own strength and courage to like to push through that stuff. And it's really helping me to, to like, realize that I started, it really doesn't matter. Like nobody cares. Like nobody is not livable lessening. Uh, you know, because I started like, it's actually the opposite because I do certainly have to listen more, which is kind of funny, you know? But like they never made me, but I do wish they did because it would have forced me to confront this hailing in me long time ago.
Speaker 1 00:10:04 So you identified something just a few seconds ago, you said you played the victim role. When did you start playing the victim? And what did that actually look like? Cody? What did you actually say? What did you physically do?
Speaker 3 00:10:17 Most of the time? It was the opposite to where, like, I didn't do anything because it's like men in my own head. It's like, well, look at what's the point? You know, like you can't speak, you're gonna sound stupid, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's like me playing the F victim to my own self and like not interacting with people and not taking chances or social Volvo verbalizing or even like going after things that I wanted and then towards others. And like, this is like how to, where my chemical dependency plays in our, because like when I was 13 years old and I got drunk for the first time I found out that I didn't stutter when I was drunk. So there was that like a victim role of, okay, well now, like I can be drunk because I don't stutter. And like, when I do set or like my feeling X, Y, and Z. Did
Speaker 1 00:11:10 You feel like you had finally arrived?
Speaker 3 00:11:12 Like I, when I started drinking, yeah, absolutely. I was there at the party literally. And figuratively
Speaker 1 00:11:18 Your speech impediment goes. Was that the only thing really that was holding you back? I mean, in the grand scheme of things, you would be just fine. You would be perfect if, yeah.
Speaker 3 00:11:29 If I like to tell myself that and I still do, you know, today, my therapist, actually that could have made me write an article kind of last week about who am I without my stutter and a bubble. A lot of it, like the first half was well, like, am I would be this and I'd be able to do these things and I wouldn't have to do this. You know, what do you think
Speaker 1 00:11:47 Your shortcomings, if your speech impediment never existed up until the point you found
Speaker 3 00:11:51 Alcohol, I was poor. That's about it. To be honest with you. I mean,
Speaker 1 00:11:56 I'm talking about personal shortcomings, things that were in your control to some extent, you know,
Speaker 3 00:12:01 I can't really say because a lot of these things like self confidence and self worth, I can run all these things. Like I feel that I didn't have really did stem from my speech impediment. I didn't really feel a lot of little, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, lack and other areas of my life that didn't in fall of my speech impediment. Like whether that be internally or
Speaker 1 00:12:23 Externally, I understand that investigating certain things like that, taking your speech impediment out of the equation seems silly and nonsensical, but what do you think it would be? What do you think those things would be? Oh man, I'm asking you to dig a little deeper here, but I don't even know. And don't give me a bullshit answer. Like we were poor. That's the first thing that came. I give up. I don't give a fuck. What your socioeconomic status was. It has nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with you. I'm asking you to stop using your speech impediment as a crutch for a second. I don't really
Speaker 3 00:12:58 Know. I mean, I,
Speaker 1 00:12:59 Has that ever been a thought that's crossed your mind?
Speaker 3 00:13:02 Not in till about a week and a half ago. Seriously. You know, like, uh, my speech impediment has been the most influential thing in my life, but up in till, especially like at a reasonably, like, I haven't even been stressing it at all or like trying to like work through things because it's fucking scary.
Speaker 1 00:13:19 It's fucking scary. But isn't it, to some extent freeing it is absolutely. So you think about what you would have been like or what you could be like without that controlling your life?
Speaker 3 00:13:29 Yeah, it is. And like, I don't want to say that, like, that's why I've started to take these steps. So again towards it, you know, because like the, like who I could be, it's who I don't want to be anymore. That's like causing me to,
Speaker 1 00:13:46 To a place where you found a substance that hears quote unquote cure, quote, unquote, quote, unquote, cures, your stuttering. What goes through your mind the first time you get drunk and you realize that you don't stutter when you drink.
Speaker 3 00:14:02 That's amazing. I'm confident. Like I can approach people. I can say what's on my mind without thinking, you know, there's no has a station. It's just me being there with these other individuals and like hope and only connecting on Congress hiding. And
Speaker 1 00:14:22 What kind of person did you find out you were when you could actually speak without your impediment?
Speaker 3 00:14:27 A calm, cool, collected, confident cat.
Speaker 1 00:14:32 That's quite the alliterative sentence there. Yeah. Was there anything you didn't like about yourself once you didn't stutter? Yeah,
Speaker 3 00:14:37 A lot, actually. I was very sad. For some reason I got to looking pack like, um, like, like, like even like when I was really small, it was, um, like an X, certainly I was always very smiling. Um, Mike krama still calls me sunshine, like a song, like a very fibrous odd on the inside. I've always felt that my soul or my heart was always filled with Harkness and I never really understood why. And it's like, not a, this pad hanging like this evil thing. It's just sadness for no,
Speaker 1 00:15:10 No. Some people would identify that or label that as depression. What do you, what do you label that as?
Speaker 3 00:15:17 So with me and like, you know, like a mental health fool, libels I'd like that, like being a holistic healer and a physical student, I try to stay, oh, whoa. Why? From those terms? Because I feel like it just throws all this stuff to covenants. Like you have this where with them, but like myself, I am learning that those feelings are like, when all of these traumas and like PTSD events and like all this other stuff, that's all like wrapped in this huge thing. You know, like starting at a very young age, like my father, he went to prison, like when I was three months old, I'm sure that's where that whole stems from, you know? Like, and then like all my other things that have happened throughout my little wool life I've been thrown in there. That's why I guess would label.
Speaker 1 00:16:11 So you said that you're starting to address these things, these isms and your speech impediment itself now that you are clean and sober. Were they ever addressed before that? Like did any teachers try and help you out? Did you ever ask for help?
Speaker 3 00:16:28 Um, it's like when I was in a speech fluency classes for, I want to say like five years that I was the AA
Speaker 1 00:16:35 Younger. Okay. What were those like? Did you, did you like going
Speaker 3 00:16:38 To them? No. Well, yeah. Cause they caught me out of school.
Speaker 1 00:16:42 Did, did they do anything for you? You know, I don't
Speaker 3 00:16:44 Think they really did it. It was, let's like read these hunting says and you know, find your trigger words and then find other words to replace those that like might not make you stutter and like stuff like that. It didn't do much for me. Did
Speaker 1 00:17:04 You ever give it a
Speaker 3 00:17:04 Chance? I did. I was in it for five or six years.
Speaker 1 00:17:07 No, I know you were in it for five or six years, but you also said it was a good reason to get out of class. Did you actually really give it a chance?
Speaker 3 00:17:14 I would like to say yes, but I was also very young. So who knows,
Speaker 1 00:17:20 How about today looking back, would you have liked to have given yourself a chance?
Speaker 3 00:17:25 Yes, I would
Speaker 1 00:17:26 Liked to. Okay. We've gone through a, a very short progression here where you can identify when your speech impediments started. Right. It started when you first started making memories. So it's always been a part of you. You got a little bit of help with it. When you were in your younger years. I want to say like early education. Is that accurate? Like four or five? Six, seven?
Speaker 3 00:17:46 All the way up to probably age 11.
Speaker 1 00:17:48 Okay. Basically kindergarten through fifth grade ish. Something like
Speaker 3 00:17:51 Did any of that help? I don't remember to be honest, but I don't feel like it did. Why did it stop?
Speaker 1 00:17:57 Why did you stop getting help for that? Why did they stop
Speaker 3 00:18:00 Helping you? I think I just stopped calling one day because I didn't think it was helping me anymore and I just didn't want to do it. Cause I wasn't seeing the results, I guess, that I wanted to, uh, you know, the big IPS, um,
Speaker 1 00:18:12 What results did you want? Did you want it to completely go
Speaker 3 00:18:14 Away? I want it to not stutter anymore. Period, period, completely
Speaker 1 00:18:17 Fluency thinking back. Is that something that is even plausible
Speaker 3 00:18:21 Pack then? None in the Nobel. Cause that also plays into the rubber. I searched around S stuttering for years and years that I don't know why it's happened. Like when how to really help it. You know? Like there's only ways to help increase the fluency through replacing trigger words and to like learn how to F alkalize differently. But now there's programs that we'll work with then in the nervous system and all this other stuff. So I do believe now it's possible for complete fluency, but back then, no,
Speaker 1 00:19:03 No. When you're talking about trigger words, are those like certain consonants or vowels that trip you up? Is that what you're
Speaker 3 00:19:09 Talking about? Like click more specific
Speaker 1 00:19:12 Words. What are the specific?
Speaker 3 00:19:13 So for me to be like, mum, mum, AUV is really hard for me. Uh, which sucks a lot because that's what I do for a living. And so when people ask me, what do you do for a level of loving? I'm always like, well, fuck, you know, I'm going to stutter and they're not going to know what's going on. And this is awkward off the bat when I meet someone.
Speaker 1 00:19:33 So what are, what are some of the synonyms you use instead of moving? There's nothing else. There has to be something else I've tried.
Speaker 3 00:20:47 It's like when I feel safe, I don't terrify Sutter because I also feel like I can make fun of my, you know, like my speech impediment click out of with like hoes into F hydros. I, because I know that I won't be home.
Speaker 1 00:21:02 Did you just avoid the word myself? Probably pretty sure you just did. Just checking, just checking conscious. I just want to keep you fucking honest, brother. When did you start using substances?
Speaker 3 00:21:14 I started using substances when I left that school halfway through the eighth.
Speaker 1 00:21:22 Okay. I want to stop you right there. Sound good to you. Even if it doesn't sound good to you, we're going to do it anyways because Raul
Speaker 1 00:22:36 Welcome. Welcome back to our thin knack. Today. We are in the studio with Cody, federal police. We are talking about speech impediments, Cody Hola. Can you say speech impediments for me? Speech impediments. Say it
Speaker 3 00:22:52 Again. Speech impediment.
Speaker 1 00:22:55 It doesn't sound like you have a speech impediment. What the, fuck's your problem? I'm safe right now. Oh, you're safe right now. Well, that's good. I'm glad you feel safe in here. Of course. And I'm sorry, I made you say speech impediments three times. Did you say three times or did you say
Speaker 3 00:23:07 It twice? It was only twice. I'm not doing it again. Okay.
Speaker 1 00:23:11 During the music break, you said you were having a really hard day. You were all over the place. Absolutely. And you couldn't figure out why and you kind of identified why that was, or maybe at least a piece of that. And that was coming in here. Yeah. What was it about coming here that you didn't want to do? Or that was so scary.
Speaker 3 00:23:29 I think it was my S you know, like, uh, my sub conscious, just like stirring up all this stuff, like all these feelings and the pain I've been through and just all that stuff. Um, I don't think that there is really anything that like, I didn't want to do because I do want to be here. This is a very freeing experience that I have not been offered yet. And I can already feel that this will also be very healing. I want it to be here because I love to support you and the stuff that you do. So there's not a part of me that like, didn't want to be here right on brother. Oh, it's just stirring up the shit to get it out. Really
Speaker 1 00:24:11 Stirring up the shit. Stew. Trust me. There's going to be nice, big chunks that you're going to be picking out of your teeth. God, we were approaching something right before the break. And that was when you first found substances. And you said earlier that in using substances like alcohol, uh, your speech impediment, all but disappeared. And you had quote unquote finally found the answer, the solution. When you first took that drink of alcohol, was it after your first sip that you stopped stuttering? Was it when you started to feel above?
Speaker 3 00:24:44 You know, I can't really put my finger on that, but I would assume that it was after I was drunk.
Speaker 1 00:24:51 You knew that at some point, if you kept drinking that your speech impediment would leave you absolutely. So did you want to stay drunk all the time? Oh yeah. And did you yep. Drinking every day? Yep. Age 13,
Speaker 3 00:25:04 Age 13 to about 21 and a half. What
Speaker 1 00:25:09 Time of the day did you start
Speaker 3 00:25:10 Drinking? Usually right after school. And then on the weekends.
Speaker 1 00:25:14 So how did you handle school then? Uh,
Speaker 3 00:25:16 I didn't handle anything at that point. What do you, what do you mean by that? I means I was full blown into my, uh, detection. By the age of 14. I was just floating through my tail. I got to whether it be school or like work or wherever else to get high or chunk eventually. So I wasn't handling anything.
Speaker 1 00:25:37 What did your parents have to say about
Speaker 3 00:25:39 That? Oh, well it was like just my mom and I can remember standing in the kitchen, 13, 14 years old. I was taller than her finally. And I just said, I'm honey now. And you can't do anything. What did she have to say about that? Uh, I don't exactly remember. I don't think she said anything. Cause I think she realized at that point that she couldn't stop me from doing whatever the fuck I was going to do. And I called my mom has never had the heart to throw me out.
Speaker 1 00:26:11 What would you like to say to your mom right now? Oh man. Well, and I'm just talking about that particular experience, that particular point where you stood in front of her and said, I'm bigger than you. I'm going to do whatever the fuck. I want that instance in particular, because I know there's tons of shit that we want to say to our moms. Right. You know, sometimes it's fuck you. You're a, you're a fucking Nazi. And that was a little fucker. What would you say to your mom about that instance in particular
Speaker 3 00:26:37 Say that I wish I had more self-respect and the ability I have odd respect for you, but I didn't have that ability at that point. It was I'm going to like do a call, whatever my want, screw, any form of a Horty I'm hell on wheels, basically
Speaker 1 00:26:55 That using drugs and alcohol from 13 to 21. So what was going on in those eight years? I mean, you just kind of lumped it all together, but it sounds like there had to have been something going on in between there other than just showing up for school and drink.
Speaker 3 00:27:09 Well, I mean, like when I also want to specify to that, like, like, like I was my alcohol years, uh, like my alcoholic was the only substance that stopped me from stuttering. I wasn't added up until like 18 months ago. Uh, but that being said, there was some things that happened, you know, like I caught through school, apparently I tried to join Homer river. Rains is actually a huge impact on my life. But like, like I think like, like what that would be aged 22.
Speaker 1 00:27:44 What do you mean you tried to
Speaker 3 00:27:46 Join the Marines? So like, when I was like, uh, with this, whoa, I mean, she got pregnant and like, I didn't know how I was going to take care of my pet. And I had always like, like I wanted to be like in the armed forces. So I dropped out of college, started training for the Marines for 10 months. I scored like at a very high on my testing. Like my could've done anything I wo wanted to. I passed the maps to twice. Um, and then the tail was supposed to leave for poke camp. I was at maps the third time and walking out of the door. So many asked me what branch I was calling into a man. I said moraines and I stuttered. And they red flag to me. He immediately, it crushed me completely.
Speaker 1 00:28:49 What do you mean? It crushed you completely? Uh,
Speaker 3 00:28:52 Well, there's a lot that, cause I knew it, but I didn't, it like basically affirmed to me that my stutter does not like make me, whoa, why are the of doing the things that I want to do and accomplishing Coles and following making huge steps in my life or even just taking care of my daughter. Cause that's what that whole experience I got to was to me.
Speaker 1 00:29:25 You can't be in the Marine Corps.
Speaker 3 00:29:26 What do you do now? I completely black audit from life for the next six months, maybe eight months. I sat on a couch, got high all day, every day and let heady Oak claims consume my life basically because it was an escape. It wasn't like a reality. Like it was an alternate place where I could have my focus and attention where it, like, when, if I stayed in that box, I didn't feel pain
Speaker 1 00:29:53 Earlier. You alluded to using strictly alcohol for a certain number of years. And then you just said a few seconds ago, I started getting,
Speaker 3 00:30:02 Yeah, I've always smoked weed and tranq odd from the age of 13 to 27, there was a slow progression. I think at the age of 15, I found Adderall. That was my go-to high for years and years and years, I was always an upper guy and therefore, you know, I hydrated to hope. And then the last three and a half, four, yeah. Years of my use iPhone meth.
Speaker 1 00:30:31 Did Adderall cocaine or crystal meth stop you from stuttering
Speaker 3 00:30:35 After I was up for 24 hours. Yes. But also the reason why they played this huge role in my speech impediment is because I'm like, I didn't feel comfortable opening up to individuals while like my, if you're high on an upper, you can talk with the individual for hours. And it's like, I'm having those whoa one-on-one interactions with individual like, like out of all high on uppers, it created this bond with these end of hedging rules. You know, like when it wasn't rail, well, I catch the parts of it work, but eventually I got so comfortable that I didn't stutter.
Speaker 1 00:31:17 That comfortability that comes from staying up for 24 hours in a row. And then also being high. What can you liken that to today? Not on drugs
Speaker 3 00:31:28 Type of Haitian culture. Am I going to reach those states now through and I do pretty much every day. That's really all I can think of that place of comfortability. I don't, I don't know. I don't think I have that same place.
Speaker 1 00:31:43 How does that make you feel now that that just came out of your mouth? How does that make you feel that you don't have that place?
Speaker 3 00:31:48 It does make me sad, but at the same time I am happy because I know that that, that is a very self destructive and harmful place as well. Even though I feel safe, it doesn't mean it's healthy for me.
Speaker 1 00:31:59 That was kind of the clinical answer for it. You said it made you sad.
Speaker 3 00:32:02 Yeah. I mean, absolutely does. That was home for a very long time. That was my safe place. That was how was where I feel nothing externally could hurt me and also a place where I had peace on the inside, which is not something that I had ever.
Speaker 1 00:32:21 If you could say one thing to Cody at that point in your life, the Cody that found comfortability after 24 hours of staying up and being high and all of a sudden stopping your speech, impediments, stopping stuttering. What would you want to say now to that Cody?
Speaker 3 00:32:37 But I understand did the stuff that you did. And
Speaker 1 00:32:43 So with compassion, absolutely. There's no anger. No,
Speaker 3 00:32:46 No, none. I can't be angry at myself for surviving. That's what that was. Do
Speaker 1 00:32:52 You wish you could go back to that? Uh,
Speaker 3 00:32:53 No. Why not? Cause I've come too far from that
Speaker 1 00:32:56 Place. What does that mean? You've come too far
Speaker 3 00:32:58 Where I am now. I, I am at the place where I knew potentially I could be, but like being in that comfortable, isolated POCs was stopping me from coming home.
Speaker 1 00:33:15 I am. Now when you were isolated, when did you actually have interaction with people? When did your speech impediment actually play out
Speaker 3 00:33:22 Something I've never thought of until now? It just didn't. Which probably explains a lot of the reason why I did it. It, you know, and then like the small interactions that I would have, uh, like what of involved Troggs and not like what it was like. I've been with another individual who I felt comfortable with. I'm sure that part of that was of hiding, having those interactions at all.
Speaker 1 00:33:45 So in recovery circles, there's this idea discussed that an individual finds a place where they can't live with and can't live without a certain thing. And I'm going to put in speech impediment there. Okay. Okay. Cody has reached a place where he decided he can't live with his speech impediment and he can't live without his speech impediment. What did you wish for them?
Speaker 3 00:34:09 Or I can't live with it and I can't live without it.
Speaker 1 00:34:13 You can't stand yourself with your speech impediment, but you know that you're never going to be without,
Speaker 3 00:34:18 I guess the only thing that I would say to that is, I guess I felt maybe not feel, I feel like I almost had to have faith that someday I wouldn't have it or at least I could love myself enough to just not fucking care
Speaker 1 00:34:36 Anymore. What does your faith look like when you were still using?
Speaker 3 00:34:39 Well, like for the last three years, like a me finding my spirituality walk, call it. I didn't have any like, like, like anything that was related to any form of higher power. I resented and hated because I felt like I was abandoned. Then when I started this path of spirituality and like when opening up to bull, what my soul felt was Corona or wherever right out of my faith came from hope. Hope that like there was something better. And then through seeing miracles in my little life in the universe, just to playing this huge role, this tangible role in my level of life, it has in the now around to unshakeable and trust.
Speaker 1 00:35:36 What would you rely on if somebody took away your faith?
Speaker 3 00:35:38 I want to say myself, but that's the first thing that came into my mind.
Speaker 1 00:35:44 And you rely on yourself, where does that get you? Survival mode.
Speaker 3 00:35:47 And what a survival mode. I don't know what that like, like a little locks, like while being sober, but I, you know, like when the path has been high in escaping, okay. What would it look like today? Serve high volt mode would be focusing on material things and whoa, working myself to to obtain these things like food and shelter, stuff like that.
Speaker 1 00:36:14 When you talk about this new life that you have as a person in recovery from substances, do you think you'll ever refer to yourself as a person in recovery from your speech impediment,
Speaker 3 00:36:25 Thought about it? Hopefully. What would that look like? Compassion towards myself. It was the first thing that pops into my head, which is
Speaker 1 00:36:33 The first thing that popped into my head was someone that doesn't stutter. Well, doesn't that make sense? If you're in recovery from a speech impediment, doesn't that mean that you don't stutter or at least not as much
Speaker 3 00:36:44 Say Rick covered. Yes. Recovery of a speech impediment would be the steps leading up to that.
Speaker 1 00:36:54 Okay. So the difference between the two is recovery means you're actually working on it and recovered means what the end goal, the end goal. So does it ever end, when does it end? When I stopped stuttering, when you stopped stuttering, do you think that's ever going to happen?
Speaker 3 00:37:09 I do. Actually. You do? Yeah. I've met whoa, lots of individuals who come up to me after I've done like public speaking events and you know, they'll be like, oh, you're like I stuttered for 20 plus years. And then like a one day I just stopped. So I do believe there's hope. And this will enter like a there's this 12 day program. And I think it's pencil of Pena. They like increase like a speech fluency by 75%. And I think Arno it's an a 93%, like been increased in speech fluency and 75% is complete fluency reached. There is hope. And I, and it will have
Speaker 1 00:37:51 There's that four letter word again. Hope if you didn't have hope, where would you be in a
Speaker 3 00:37:55 Very stark place? Do you think
Speaker 1 00:37:57 You'd still be alive?
Speaker 3 00:37:58 Yes, but that's only because I never had the cuts to take my own life.
Speaker 1 00:38:03 People die in a multitude of other
Speaker 3 00:38:05 Ways. That's very true, but I think I would still be here. I just wouldn't want to be here.
Speaker 1 00:38:10 There are so many people that die prematurely from suicide, or, you know, just being in that environment where drugs and alcohol are present or someone that's in despair. Why aren't you, one of those statistics, if you were still involved, instilling engaged in your active addiction, you obviously would still be using some sort of substance, whether it was an upper, whether it was alcohol accidents happen all the fucking time, whether you're actively trying to kill yourself or not, it may be accidental. You may consume too many of the thing that you love that stops you from stuttering. Why aren't you one of those statistics?
Speaker 3 00:38:50 I really don't like speaking about this stuff. That's why
Speaker 1 00:38:52 We're fucking sitting here.
Speaker 3 00:38:53 So this may sound very egotistical. And if it does, I really don't care because this is my own truth. I believe I have a huge purpose on this planet, help individuals through my holistic healing things I do. And I can compile that into like you having this, like, this is huge. You have the space, this open space that allows people to process and heal in a way that has got very unorthodox. Um, I'm especially, ,
Speaker 1 00:40:17 Somewhere other than what's in front of my nose because that's all I was ever worried about. What's in front of my nose. What's important now. And there's so much more to life than just what's in front of my nose. There's those things in between my ears. There's those things that are going to happen in an hour from now a day from now a week from now. And I can only show up for those things. If I prepare myself in this moment, by preparing myself in this moment, that means having constant contact with an individual like yourself. And that's truly what saves my life. It's, it's not, not drinking. It's not engaging in eating disorder, symptoms, bingeing, and purging and restricting. It's not any of that stuff. Those are just byproducts of me revolting against myself, because I don't know how to deal with life. What it's really all about is human connection. And the connection that I have with you is unlike any other, we're going to take a little break and then we will be
Speaker 2 00:41:09 Right.
Speaker 1 00:42:05 Welcome back to off fan neck. We've thought we have found the answer in drugs and alcohol. That wasn't the answer. And what I really want to know Cody is what the answer is for you. What does getting help for your speech impediment look like? Because obviously it isn't drinking alcohol and consuming drugs.
Speaker 3 00:42:28 This activity like right here is me getting, help me speaking about it, me pushing my comfort zone, put this potentially thousands, thousands of individuals, you know, cut here, this, this, and I've been start stuttering like the whole time. So me standing up and you know, like, like whether it's through this interview or like the videos I do or public speaking through like the 12 step program, me standing in front of people and using like my voice, that's a huge influencer, a huge came changer because the more that I like to it, like the level of less stressful it is the less triggering it is. Plus I find mark confidence in myself, which I think is a huge part of my speech impediment now is just not being confident. You know? Because like, when, if I have that thought, oh shit, I'm going to stutter. I'm going to stutter almost every time.
Speaker 1 00:43:29 In essence, it has nothing to do with the stutter itself. You could stutter for six minutes straight. What really matters is the stress leading up to during and the confidence that you lack really has nothing to do with the stutter itself.
Speaker 3 00:43:45 Yeah, my problem. Isn't with my stutter it's with everything else that comes along with it.
Speaker 1 00:43:54 But this case it's not necessarily about the gash. It's about the bleeding. Yeah. And in this instance, unlike so many others treating the bleeding and not necessarily the gash things improve, that's a good way to look at it. I think it's a fucking great way to look at it. I just came up with that
Speaker 3 00:44:12 Just now, pat yourself on the back.
Speaker 1 00:44:15 I will. Okay. You ready? 1, 2, 3. Oh, good job, Nick. No, seriously though. All kidding aside. That's really what it boils down to. Yeah, I agree. It's the confidence piece. It has nothing to do with how much, how often, how pronounced your stutter is. You could possibly come to a place where you still stutter yet you have the most confidence you've ever had in your life in that case. Would that be a recovered person? I believe it will be. What's you're saying is recovered person from a speech. Impediment does not mean a person that doesn't stutter.
Speaker 3 00:44:47 You've opened my eyes to this, but yeah, I would say that that would be it. If I, if like there, wasn't a part of me that hated myself for stuttering. Um, and I had confidence, you know, um, to speak, uh, to anyone at any time I would consider myself for COVID.
Speaker 1 00:45:07 What do you want to tell people out there that are struggling with a speech impediment, with a stutter with, with any of the speech impediments that exist? What do you want to tell those Indians
Speaker 3 00:45:17 To stand up? And you the, who is your voice? Don't let this inhibit you from being the person that you came here to be. It's my belief that we have this speech impediment for a raisin and the trousers of it. You will find through speaking your voice,
Speaker 1 00:45:39 You believe you have found your voice or you still
Speaker 3 00:45:43 Searching for it. I would like to stay that I'm still searching. You know, like the song that like, I just played, um, like my favorite little level line out of it is they say I inspire, but I'm still a little walking for my fire. I think I am so finding my voice. I think like every day I find a smaller pace that just slowly adds up and like me doing stuff like this, it's
Speaker 1 00:46:08 Huge. Do you think there will ever be a place where you say yes, I have found my voice.
Speaker 3 00:46:14 I hope, but like, even if I ever like do reach that place, I ever don't want to stop calling for that next step. Like my, like my, I don't ever want there to be an end, I guess.
Speaker 1 00:46:24 What's the next step. Once you found your
Speaker 3 00:46:26 Voice part of me now, like, like, like even though, like, I don't like to acknowledge it. I am totally the attorney and I don't want it to stop of finding my voice and my purpose and myself in this world.
Speaker 1 00:46:41 What do you want your legacy to be as a human
Speaker 3 00:46:44 Being? Really? That's the question you're going to ask me out. Hi, to look into being a great father, friend and husband that helped everybody he could. And, you know, uh, like a man was a little light in all of their worlds. It would be with my holistic healing business, you know, like when I want to bring it in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in, in the new ways of processing and like kind of working through trauma and like a pattern, like my understanding of consciousness, the sub consciousness, and like realizing how that F X like when our whole potty or mental, like emotional, physical, spiritual health almond, and understanding and teaching others how to do energy healing. And I, yeah, like when I'm actually creating out of my own healing mode, totality, right. And the now that I will hope will be huge someday that will help a lot of individuals. And that is absolutely what I want to leave.
Speaker 1 00:47:47 That is most certainly a legacy that I would be honored to be a part of. I don't just speak for myself. Well, you're stuck
Speaker 3 00:47:53 With me, so, oh
Speaker 1 00:47:54 Yeah. That would be a legacy. Anyone would be honored to be a part of. Thank you. You're very welcome. So we've reached that point in the program where we have
Speaker 5 00:48:08 came up as a church. Boy, when my duke, some weekends waking up at like six man, you don't get paid up your sleep. And man y'all know where I come from. Y'all know what I been through. Don't realize I don't say shit about all the bread that I sent you. I'm saying back I'm fucked up. I'm getting trashed, got to go wash two gold chains and a gold .
