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Speaker 1 00:41 Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum.
Speaker 2 00:54 <inaudible> started. <inaudible>
Speaker 0 01:10 Welcome to authentic. Welcome to the show. My name is Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons Vanden Heuvel but you can call me and with me as always is my
Speaker 3 01:21 Dog Marla say hello to our listeners
Speaker 0 01:30 Girl, you got a cammo toe. Alright. Alright. That's enough. Marla, go back to licking your Kong. Okay. Then this is my show authentic where we get authentic. I know there's a jingle in there somewhere. Hopefully my guest Allie will be able to help me out with that. But first, before we go to Allie, I need to disclose what we are going to be doing on today's show the show, format, all things, recovery based. It's the idea that if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you, yes, you are in recovery from something that could be an eating disorder that could be bullying. That could be PTSD, pretty much anything being very lifelike. You are in recovery. In this show, I bring on a guest and we get vulnerable. That person shares their experience, their strength and their hope to let people know that you are not alone.
Speaker 0 02:22 And to let people know that there is hope. If we help one person, just one, then we have done our job. So sit back, relax. Let's get right to it. Allie. Welcome to the show. Thank you, Nick. I am first going to disclose what I am in recovery from. If that's okay with you, that's perfectly fine. Even if it's not okay with you, I'm still going to do it. Alrighty. Okay. So my name is Nick and I am in recovery from alcoholism, drug addiction and eating disorder, depression, anxiety, and you know what I could probably go on for the next 10 minutes. What are you in recovery from a second? All those notions and I'll tag on just the idea more
Speaker 4 03:00 I'm in recovery from the consistent and constant urge to alter. So I get more, more and more. We're going to be talking about substance abuse today. What qualifies you to be talking about that? Tell me a little bit about yourself. So I was born and raised here in Minnesota, the motherland throughout my youth. I was always a pretty rambunctious child and didn't necessarily jump through certain hoops, which led me at quite an early age to be prescribed to some rather interesting medications. In hindsight, probably sparked an onset toward the sort of igniting some of those addicted behaviors. What medications specifically, ADHD was a vague thing that popped up. And so for a while they had me on some experimental type things before they landed on Adderall. One of them made me break out in a rash. One of them made me narcoleptic quite opposite of Adderall, incidentally enough then yeah, they landed me on that.
Speaker 4 03:57 Sort of just use that as a way to control and perhaps not properly deal with a symptom rather than a disease. So for all intents and purposes. Sure. Do you think that's where your substance abuse started or was that just the introduction to substances though? I would say that was just the introduction to substances or perhaps sugar or perhaps caffeine. At what age were you introduced to those substances? Eighth grade. Which interestingly enough was the one and only year I was homeschooled. Yeah, that was the year that I started on Adderall. How soon thereafter did you go to other substances that you inevitably would use and abuse? I was kind of a late bloomer. Interestingly enough, it wasn't up until going into junior year of high school that I smoked weed for my first time. Uh, my older brothers had a pretty drastic influence on sort of my lifestyle and my mentality.
Speaker 4 04:48 I loved the band of fish from an extremely early age because of them, everyone and their mom around me thought I smoked a ton of weed, but it just never really interested me. It almost kind of bothered me when kids were drinking and smoking and doing that at an earlier age. And so, yeah, I don't know. I just, I was kind of turned off by it. It wasn't really that appealing slowly got into that. I would say it was never a problem per se, but it certainly started the beginning of the problem. So you said you started smoking marijuana when you were a junior in high school and you said you were a late bloomer. Guess what I got you beat girl summer after senior year, 18 years young is where did those substances take you at this time? Marijuana in a way I think I was using it to sort of counteract some of the effects of Adderall. So I would be perhaps a little bit strung out a little bit, sleep deprived, a little bit food deprived, et cetera. I would just sort of create a nice little area on my couch with some candles, with my sketchbook, with my music, use that to kind of get out of the funk. So I was almost like self-medicating against a medication. So it was more so you were fighting against a physiological to a drug
Speaker 0 05:58 You had already been taking. Is that right?
Speaker 4 05:59 That and hanging out with friends, laughing a lot, enjoying music, stuffing our face with silly food. There was that part of it too. But I would say when I would use it on my own, the intro times of using in solitude, I would be doing it more as a way to get back to myself and sort of decondition whatever else was going on.
Speaker 0 06:19 Let's focus in on solitude. Okay. When you are in solitude and you're smoking, okay, can you close your eyes for me? Let's do a little experiment showing you take that first hit. What comes over you physically
Speaker 4 06:29 Kind of a, a wave. I want to call it a wave of relief, a wave of, ah, I'm getting there, whatever, whatever that was, you know, okay. Now, here we go.
Speaker 0 06:38 When you're letting the substance take over your body, what are you letting go of? What is it that you're leaving behind?
Speaker 4 06:44 I would say leaving behind a tangled web of things and trying to untangle that tangled, tinkle, web of thoughts, emotions, anxieties, thoughts with thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, thoughts about the day. Thoughts about pressures from parents, from school, from politics, from sports, from friendships, from failures, from successes, all the thoughts. All they're trying to interpret the world around us through thought rather than through sheer raw experience and emotion.
Speaker 0 07:15 What kind of pressures were you getting? Was it of the educational variety? You're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. You're not on track or a certain career path.
Speaker 4 07:23 I certainly struggled in high school with a lot of the structure and I would throw myself into the classes that I really cared about. Especially if that was topped off with a dynamite teacher. I had a lot of passion and a lot of fire for that subject. I would Excel, but if I didn't care about or believe in what I would learn, I didn't really give it the time of day.
Speaker 0 07:40 What did you want to do? What were the subjects you threw yourself into
Speaker 4 07:43 Super into cultural anthropology, looking at that from an artistic point of view, from an like a natural point of view and more interested in educating through nature through indigenous studies, through expression, through things that are real and not necessarily as attainable get out of a textbook. Our school was blessed with a pretty cool anthropology class. And that was like a really awesome release and really broadened my perception because I grew up in a fairly sheltered bubble of existence where that level of thinking was all I had been exposed to and being able to sort of reach that and dig into a much more diverse array of life was huge for me.
Speaker 0 08:20 Yeah, absolutely. Hey, I'm going to impose something right now. Are you ready? Baked carrots, Allie. And I decided that that was going to be our safe word when we needed to pull in the reins. I think it was roasted carrots, roasted carrots. My apologies. Okay. So roasted carrots, were you mixing any other chemicals besides the 80 HD medication? You were already on
Speaker 4 08:45 Adderall and marijuana? Uh, coffee diet there for awhile. That was all the way through high school, like going into senior year. I started to drink at first. It was very fun, very silly, seemingly innocent didn't spark, you know, an instant like, Holy shit, I got to turn around and do this the next morning. This was absolutely fabulous. It was just very exciting, very fun, very lighthearted. But I was capable of carrying onto the next day without obsessing over. Oh, I just drink.
Speaker 0 09:11 How did that progress for you as your life continued to move forward?
Speaker 4 09:14 As my life continued to move forward, going into college blasted with the newfound emancipation from my parents' house, from my home state, from high school, I went to this place in Washington state in Olympia, Washington called evergreen state college.
Speaker 0 09:31 Is that the capital Olympia? Yeah. Yeah. I knew it. Thank you. Yeah. Well, I mean, you said it, but I knew it was the capital. I'll give it to you. Okay. What's the capital of Wisconsin. Green Bay. Nope. Madison roasted carrots
Speaker 4 09:45 Carrots. So here we are at evergreen state college alternative style to say the least you don't get grades. You sort of get evaluated on you as a human being. It was very appealing to me in that sense. I grew up under right wing to parents and this is a pretty radical school and always possible lots of opportunities. It's on like a thousand acres and the rainforest gorgeous. Awesome. I was blown away. However, you know, fresh out of high school experimentation season, didn't take too long to get into full force.
Speaker 0 10:13 Yeah. Right on college has started. There's this whole new world that you are investigating and you feel like you're finally home. Am I reading that correctly? A whole new, new, fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no. Or where to go rusty carrots. You're starting to go those places. You're really starting to find out who you are, what you're interested in. And you're in this place that is allowing that to happen. This sounds like utopia. This sounds like it sounds like perfection, but you're sitting in the chair across from me, which can only mean one thing that at some point you went awry, you got fucked. So tell me, how did you become a person that was fucked?
Speaker 4 11:01 Well, Nick looking back on it, it seems rather gradual and it's hard to pinpoint the exact one factor, except that once I started broadening my scope beyond just smoking a little bit of weed and drinking occasionally to doing that on a daily basis. And then that wasn't enough. So adding upon that daily basis, doing it in a fashion where still incredibly functional, still even killed, happy as a clam, not really dialing into the, what I'm doing. Just kind of doing it and plan it off grid. And certainly not alone in that realm. It wasn't this wild outlandish thing very much so an instinct with everyone else. So within that time period, I would say, I didn't feel drastically. Like I was in the wrong, it was just sort of happening. And I was letting it happen.
Speaker 0 11:41 When was the first time it was addressed that you had a problem? Was this by you? Internally? Was this, Oh my gosh, like I got an issue. I got to do something about this. Maybe even an inkling. This is getting a little out of control. Was it a parent or a loved one? A friend.
Speaker 4 11:58 Oh, there were inner inklings for sure. I was pretty good at keeping the reality of my intake and sick situation on the deal from family and friends and pretty much everything within my power to make sure that it wasn't apparent that there were issues. So I could continue doing what I thought at the time was a totally legitimate, acceptable lifestyle. So inner inklings combated by the human minds, ability to rationalize and cooks you're at, along,
Speaker 0 12:23 You have these inner inklings, right? You know, those are just inner thoughts. Those are inner feelings. You have nobody to bounce these things off of. Was there a time when you got to that danger zone where you had to open up to somebody else and you had to say, Hey, like I'm out of control
Speaker 4 12:37 Danger zone. So was there a moment when I realized, Oh shit, Oh shit.
Speaker 0 12:42 Yeah. Like I need some help. Or did somebody force that on you? Yep.
Speaker 4 12:46 It was attempted to be forced upon me many times
Speaker 0 12:50 The very first time that help was forced upon you as you put it.
Speaker 4 12:54 It was probably my parents. There were quite a few times where I made the attempt to go sober. And there were moments where it was my parents or my brother or a loved one who, uh, gave me this sort of, not an ultimatum per se, but we're like, you know, this, this has to stop or you will be cut off. Or this is that we're going to be watching you. And I would unwillingly sort of admit defeat in that moment. Then go from there alone. What they call a dry drunk I played in and out of that game for quite some time. And at one point lasted up to a year and a half. That's not to say that I was in recovery. I just was not actively drinking or
Speaker 0 13:30 Right. You weren't inactive addiction as it were. You put the old plug in the jug, you know, as they say in certain circles. Yeah. What I've realized in my life, I had this experience with my parents, where I had this anger with them and this let down that I never got, that I never got that intervention. All I got was their prayers and support because they knew, they knew from being in a family with alcoholics and addicts, that they could not force me to want help. I had to want that help for myself. And I just wanted to put that out there to anybody that's listening to this, to know if you have a loved one that is struggling with chemical dependency, substance abuse, pretty much anything. It really comes down to that person wanting help for themselves. And the control, the lack of control within the person that is struggling and with the person that is watching them struggle, all you really can do is love that person and support them. But how far are you willing to go? Are you going to extend your pocketbook? Well, is that going to do any good? Are you going to extend a place to stay? Where do you draw the line? And these boundaries have to be put up. And unfortunately, those sorts of situations can get out of control very quickly,
Speaker 4 14:46 Very quickly and often have the reverse effect
Speaker 0 14:49 In the middle of my drinking. And if somebody told me what to do, regardless of how it would improve my life, I would have said, fuck you and ran in the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible because that's where I was at. I wasn't ready to get help. And the only thing only thing that they could do was pray that I got that willingness to ask for help. And what a gift that was to me. I just got love kindness and compassion, son of a bitch. I'm so grateful. Honestly, I am. I'm one blessed individual. Hey, we are going to take a little break in which VI are going to play some music. I hadn't delay.
Speaker 5 15:33 Uh, the cab was gone and a free man. The dad was gone.
Speaker 7 16:07 Are you Texas? Mississippi state <inaudible>
Speaker 0 16:49 Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, come back. You are listening to authentic where we get often to God that jingles really coming together. Ellie, can you help me out with that? As the show goes along here, I'd be happy to okay. Maybe you can take us out at the end. That would be really exciting. So maybe, maybe, maybe put that on your little sketchpad, you know, make some notes. Oh, don't you go ahead and write that down. Sure. Yeah. You got to a new 10 silver there. Okay, great, great wunderbar. That's that's just great roasted carrots. Welcome back everybody. You are listening to authentic. And we are talking to Allie, who's speaking to us about her struggle and her eventual recovery from substance abuse, namely marijuana, alcohol, and some ADHD medication that she had been taking Adderall at the end of the last segment, we were talking about getting some help. And you talked about how you had this period of sobriety where you weren't drinking for a year and a half. Is that right? Yeah. Were you using marijuana at that time?
Speaker 4 17:54 Here and there, marijuana and Adderall, along with caffeine and stuff like that, I would help indicate what I later have found to be the disease that is addiction. Like I said earlier, that just desire for more, for more, but alcohol in particular is the one that I had no control over.
Speaker 0 18:11 You had what you called a dry drunk, no alcohol for a year and a half. Right. I'm assuming that ends because you said it was only a year and a half. Yeah. That came to a screeching halt. Okay. How did that come to a screeching home?
Speaker 4 18:22 I was at a wedding. Believe it or not. Let's see. We are driving. I was driving with an ex at that point. And as we were driving there, thought kind of occurred to me like, Hey, I've been rocking this for about a year and a half. I'm feeling pretty good. Not really obsessing over it. Not really obsessing over it. And the way that, like for the last six hours, I was in my head trying to figure out how to casually bring up the fact that I think maybe I'll have a beer or something at the ceremony. Cause I'm totally there. Like kick the addiction thing. See you later. Bye. Ready to just be a normy. And
Speaker 0 18:52 Because that's what people who can drink normally do didn't, you know, they obsess about it for about six hours or they decide to tell the people that they're with. Hey, you know what? I think I'm going to have a beer. Yeah. That's how that goes. Yeah. That's exactly how that goes. Yeah. Right. Clearly aligned with reality, with logic. All right. So now it's a good idea to have a beer. Okay. What happens next?
Speaker 4 19:14 Beer turned into about six shots of whiskey later, sobbing on the car, ride back to our Airbnb where once he finally fell asleep, because I could simply not decide what I wanted to eat, but I needed to eat something. I proceeded to sneak downstairs and make sure I took a little bit of wine for, um, what was in the refrigerator from someone else's stash. So that in the morning I would be set. So like those previous behaviors just popping right back up.
Speaker 0 19:39 So we're well back into the wheelhouse of addiction. Where do you go from there? Where does this addiction monster take you?
Speaker 4 19:47 Things get a little interesting now because I hadn't been drinking for so long and now I am, you know, that casual factor sort of out the door. And as if I weren't being secretive enough earlier, that sort of has to take on a new meaning, a new approach, lying to myself, lying to those around me, sketchy behavior up in the intake, really put me in a dark place for a while, managing and throughout this whole process. Um, you know, I'm an avid traveler, but I'm moving around a lot. It's like every time I mess up a situation or the truth starts to sort of come to light, I'll end a job. I'll end a relationship, all move away from a place in an attempt to getting a fresh start will be the cure to this. But the one thing I always pack with me is my addiction.
Speaker 0 20:27 Oh, that was powerful. Can you say that one more time for me?
Speaker 4 20:30 The one thing I would always pack with me is my addiction, you know, hidden in the overhead bins, away from everyone else's glance. But where I know it's there, I know where it's at. I know I can access it
Speaker 0 20:42 At some point. I'm assuming that this is going to crash and burn. That is correct. Tell me more.
Speaker 4 20:49 All right. What I like to call the aha moment. Okay. Oprah. You know what I believe I believe in you, I believe in you. Aha okey-doke. So this happened not too long ago, I'm in Durango, Colorado at this point, been there for about two and a half months. Scored a really cool opportunity aligned with what I'm interested in. It's with this outdoor company where I'll be working on trails all summer. Part of the criteria for this company includes you can't drink on trail you're you can't drink when you're out for five days, you can't do drugs. You know, you can't pack that with you and they're going to be presumably going through our packs, making sure everything looks legit and not to mention it's an extreme safety hazard, Marla, calm your tits. And uh, I mean the list goes on. So yes, to put it short, you're not allowed to drink.
Speaker 4 21:36 And that I was aware of. And for a while, I'd be like, okay, I know this is happening. So give it two weeks before the kickoff date. I'll just I'll stop. I'll be okay. It'll be, I've done this before. It's going to be a rough couple of days. I know the detox thing gross, but I really want this. It's going to be fun. All right. Two weeks turns into one week. Probably even drinking more if humanly possible at this point. Cause I'm starting to get a little nervous about the situation. So here we are the night before the gig starts up all night drinking. And I, at this point, I'm kind of at a place where I don't even really get drunk anymore typically, but with the sleep deprivation and the amount that I had drank and the nerves among everything else pack up the car, all my gear hit the road, start driving towards this. I got about halfway there, the particular crews meeting about 45 minutes outside of Durango, uh, at one of their base camps, we are about to plunge into a five day orientation week and then go into it from there. So, you know, casually a six in the morning, going into this new gig, sleep deprived, drunk had packed half my water bottles full of cheap, clear liquor, rather than water, really going into it the right way.
Speaker 4 22:42 It hits me like how ridiculous that situation is an out of body experience where I knew, of course, this is ridiculous. I do this every day. It's ridiculous. But I just thought it was, I could figure it out. It would smooth itself out. I dunno, I knew it was ridiculous, but I kept doing it. So I didn't feel the weight of it. And I pulled over to the side of the road, completely broke down, called my mom and slowly but surely it started letting her know that yes, this problem has reached a point of being absolutely out of control. And I can't do this anymore. I'm ready for help. Is that how you asked for help? I can't do this anymore. I'm ready for help. I said those words took a lot that I said those words, what was the reaction to that shock? Because they had no idea that I was drinking anymore or to the extreme because every day, even though I'm drinking from sunup to sundown and then some I'm actively engaged in functioning and signing up for school and going out hikes and going snowboarding and making friends. And it's just, it doesn't fit the profile because I was so incredibly systematic and good at that was my full job and I was damn good at it. So yeah, I can't, it came as a shock because everyone thought I was just killing it out there. It was so brave going to another new place and just hitting the ground running and have all these new things going for me. And in the meantime, there's just such an inner, dark struggled brewing.
Speaker 0 24:00 What happened inside of you when you said I can't do it anymore, I need help. What happened inside you?
Speaker 4 24:06 A part of me felt super liberated and free, but there's a part of me that was so crushed and filled with shame and guilt because I was so excited for this opportunity. And they were really counting on me that this is something they really count on having crew members for. I had committed. I was so confident that I'd be able to swing this somehow. You know, in hindsight, I realized the best thing I could have done for them was to remove myself from the equation because I would not have been at my best and I would have been a safety hazard. But so I'm kind of going through this blend of relief and horror for what's to come because here I am actually saying, I'm ready to air out my secrets and seek help. Help.
Speaker 0 24:42 What it sounds like to me is you're having this blend of emotions, these extreme highs in these extreme lows, you're having this immense liberation and relief, and then there's this horror of what is going to happen next. And I can't help, but draw parallels to what your life was like. Preceding that. I mean, you said you were a professional at compartmentalizing, your life, making sure that everybody knew that you were brave, you were an Explorer. You were just this wild woman, Joan of arc, going out to conquer the world and guess what? She's a drunk and she's an addict and the jig is up and the jig is up. It's really that dr. Jekyll, mr. Hyde thing going on. Totally. You have this part of your life that you want people to see. And then it's you at that moment? What were you left with
Speaker 4 25:32 At that moment? I was left with this me that I didn't even know anymore. This me, that was longing for me, but had been so bogged down by the fog of substance abuse and the fog of internal lies and the fog of, you know, devastating myself mentally, physically, spiritually for so long that this Allie that I was trying so hard to keep up with and present was drowning.
Speaker 0 25:58 You asked for help. Did you receive it?
Speaker 4 26:01 I did. And, uh, it was quite a serendipitous stream of events. It just so happened that that weekend, my entire family who's, we're all pretty scattered across the country, but they were all going to be in Minnesota, the motherland for kind of a reunion of sorts. And I had been bummed that I was going to miss that going into this job, but you know, this job, I was so gung ho about it. It was totally going to work out. My parents were like, okay, you're, you're coming home. We're all going to meet together. We're going to go from there. And I have a thing about flying this irrational fear of flying. And I would typically cope with that by just filling little shampoo bottles with booze, and then also just drinking a lot of bars beforehand during after. And yeah, that was how I dealt with my fear of flying.
Speaker 0 26:40 My fear of flying was always, I can't get fuck outta here.
Speaker 4 26:44 I mean, the whole situation is pretty absurd. I'm still terrified by flying, but now I just figure if I go out like that, I go out like that. It is what it is. Just keep breathing and living roasted carrots. You are digressing. Okay. My dad offers, I go, I've just upcoming, but I'm not going to fly. So I drive from Durango to Denver. It's like a six hour drive detoxing right now, kind of an intense and also driving for me as intense to what was detoxing like for you physically detoxing. For me, I go from being really hot, to really cold. I get shakes. I don't sleep very much. Body is shutting down in its attempt to repair. So think things feel weird for sure. And typically once things start feeling weird, I would drink and I would feel less weird, but I'm not drinking. So I'm feeling weirder and weirder that goes for a while, but that does go away. And it leaves you just feeling, uh, just feeling, Oh, starting to feel again. How about that? So my dad ended up meeting me. He flew down to Denver where we met at my brother's house, spent the night together with them. So then my dad and I turn around and drive to Minnesota and I arrived there. Not at all in knowing how long I was going to stay. I had packed a bag or two, but I got myself here.
Speaker 0 27:50 I know from experience that I have this unconditional love for my family members. Do you have that? Oh, a hundred percent. And with that unconditional love comes great beauty because no matter what happens, if we have an angst or frustration or sadness regarding our family members, the beautiful thing is that at the end of the day, we have that baseline. We have that unconditional love, which we need in our lives because that's the only way we can show it towards others. That's how we learn to love others from the very beginning, that unconditional love that we have for our family members, our mothers, our fathers, our brothers, our sisters, that beginning, that seed that is planted from the first time we can make memories is what allows us to learn, to show that to other people. And I am so happy that you have that in your life because there are so many people that don't have that when addiction and chemical dependency is involved, sometimes that severs relationships, sometimes that kills any sort of reconciliation between a father and a daughter or a mother and a son.
Speaker 0 29:03 And I am so happy. So happy, so grateful that you have that in your life, from your mom, from your dad, from your brother, how beautiful that is because you deserve that. They deserve that and it exists. And it sounds like it flourishes between you, your dad, your brother, and your mother. And that would not be able to happen if you were still drinking. Both of my grandfathers were alcoholics. I have cousins and uncles and aunts that suffered from addiction. Some are still in active addiction. Some are not, some are dry and they're fucking assholes, right? It's this idea that, and this is strictly my opinion. DNA plays a very large role in whether or not you have that proclivity to become an addict or an alcoholic. Once you put substances into your body, beyond that, there's also the nurture part. Let's just say that it's DNA coming down the bloodlines and it stops cold in its tracks with my parents, right?
Speaker 0 30:07 I've never seen either of my parents drunk. The most I've ever seen. My dad drink is two Miller lights. My mom's idea of a drink was white Zin. I'm the rocks splashed. And I mean splash, I mean, half and half with white soda. Yeah. That was her idea of a drink on a Saturday night with pizza. Yet I became an alcoholic drinking three bottles of vodka a day and smoking my brains out snorting lines, all that happened, even though it stopped with my parents. Now I'm going to ask you to put yourself in my shoes for just a second. Okay. If you were me, what is your opinion? What do you think that my family members should do? The ones that are still drinking and getting high that are addicts? What would you tell them to do?
Speaker 4 30:54 There's so much more that stopping the consumption is just, it's just the beginning, but the richness, the realness, the authenticity, the fricking light, the cream of the crop is what comes after. And that's the never ending journey to the best version of yourself. That's, that's what it's all about. And I reckon the source of recovery, isn't genetic. It's, it's something that exists in everybody. It's just tapping into that inner piece of you, that fire and letting it out, setting the world on fire with it. And I don't, I don't think that stops or starts with DNA. I think there are much deeper forces at play with that one, my friend,
Speaker 0 31:32 Because you share DNA because they can relate to you as their own flesh and blood. If you can do it, they can do it. Oh, for sure. Why don't they want to do it? Exactly. That that's the tricky part. That's that's what I was getting at. I wasn't saying that recovery lies within your DNA. No, I know. I know it. That's not what you were saying. Why don't they want it in your opinion? Why don't they want what you have, which is recovery.
Speaker 4 31:54 They're scared. They're comfortable in their isolation. They haven't perhaps had that aha moment
Speaker 0 32:01 For their sake. I hope they do, because I see what a wonderful person is sitting across the soundboard from me right now. And if they get half of the experience that you get, half of this knowledge, half of this feeling, half of this spirituality that I see pouring out of you emanating beaming with light. If they get half of that, what a miracle that would be what a gift that would be both to you and to them to have that bond, to have that connection. When is it too late? It's never too late. I always say it's too late when you're dead. It's never too late. I am going to change my statement. It's never too late. We'll be right back. Allie. Thank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I am so grateful to have you in the studio today.
Speaker 9 32:45 <inaudible> <inaudible>
Speaker 2 33:01 Let me run with you. Take you. I used to see she don't damn. Let me get to the <inaudible>
Speaker 0 33:47 Too authentic. And we are here with Allie and she is getting authentic on all phone. I'm still waiting on your jingle for the very end of the show. Do you have something for me? Welcome to the authentic twin cities. That's fantastic. Okay. I guess that's where we're at right now. I, I'm not going to say whether or not I'm going to use that in the future, but I appreciate the effort best effort. I really appreciate the effort. So at the end of the last segment, again, we are talking about all things, recovery based. So the idea that if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you, yes, you are in recovery from something, whatever that looks like, and it looks different for everyone, whether you're going to 12 step programs or you're going to church, or you meditate, you know, the, the list could go on ad infinitum. But right now we're talking about Allie in her place of recovery and what that looks like Ellie, what do you personally do to further and nourish your own sobriety?
Speaker 4 34:52 So I reckon connection is the name of the game. Re-establishing a connection with myself, with those around me and with beautiful glorious planet earth. The way that I do that has really sprung through finding a community of people who've gone through the shit that I have, the fact that for so long, it's so incredibly easy to isolate yourself as some unique situation that doesn't apply to the same know to the same situations, to the same rules. You're too far gone. You're far more removed. That's a common thread, a theme that actually happens to exist among a lot of us. So that realization factor of, wow, I'm not alone. And not only do I see myself in you, but you're helping bring me back out of me and being okay with that and not just being okay with that, but realizing that that's a necessary tool to move forward.
Speaker 0 35:42 I know that you are fairly new to sobriety. How, how much time do you have right now? Clean and sober.
Speaker 4 35:48 So I'm in the seventies. My sobriety date is May 29th.
Speaker 0 35:53 Okay. I will do the math in my head as you are talking because I love mental math. I'm just mental about math. So mental marriage, so marriage about math, right?
Speaker 4 36:05 So it's still, still fresh. Yeah. I haven't hit that 90 day one yet.
Speaker 0 36:09 Right on what are you doing on a daily basis to reach out others, reach out to others. Excuse me.
Speaker 4 36:13 To reach out to others on a daily basis. I send a gratitude every day. Yeah. Which has been at first, it's been such a treat. And of course at first, when this assignment was given to me, I was a little annoyed, but just because it was an assignment, so naturally I'm turned off by it and it's some structure and unlike gratitude. Okay. Yeah. You know, love that, love that word. But like, don't like the idea of having to actually sit down and do this because it's been given to me. So yeah. Getting over that foolish little hump and just, you know, it makes you rehash your day at your experiences, your interactions and your level of engagement with that. And how for so long, when I was using, when I was focused in those obsessive behaviors where all that really mattered was getting whatever kind of fix I could. I glazed by so many beautiful moments. And so now with my gratitude list, going back and revisiting those moments and being like, Holy shit, like I have never felt, I haven't felt this way in so long, this inner child, this sense of awe and inspiration and hope that is derived from each day, instead of just living on the same reading the same page over and over and over again, life is a choose your own adventure book again,
Speaker 0 37:18 What that invigorates is this idea that there's another way to live and it can be a damn good one. Yeah. It's what you make of it. And using skills. That's a skill whether you like it or not, it's a skill that you use to nourish that sobriety, to maintain connection, to further connection. I know personally, I started out doing those gratitude texts as well. It's been such a helpful thing in my sobriety and it's grown by leaps and bounds. Now there's five people on my grid. Do you want to be on Margaret? Do you want to be on my gratitude list daily? I got out of authentic. Yeah. See you after class. So daily gratitude, gratitude's those skills meeting,
Speaker 4 38:00 Meeting with individuals and having those moments of readings and sharing and group meditation, just moments. Those, those moments can be, it can be so profound and, and taking those moments and letting them trickle into the rest of your day and the rest of your being. And try trying to have it being kind of an everlasting, like an everlasting light that doesn't go out. It's not like, okay, you shut the door from meeting with a group of people. And now everything's back to normal, but trying to learn how to translate this energy, this sense of hope, this connection into society, real life madness, modern world, where we are in the battlefield of trying to constantly stay sober.
Speaker 0 38:40 And what I gathered from that is it takes a village in order to find out who I am. That's, that's how I find out who I am is through that village from gaining knowledge, gaining skills from all these people around me and bringing it back. It's cyclical like that. And it's, it's this crazy paradox that happens totally this crazy paradox that happens where all of a sudden, I'm putting myself out into the universe, I'm making these connections, I'm making these strides. And all of a sudden, I turn around. It's like, Holy shit, I'm living a life. I'm living my life. And I get to experience that unadulterated
Speaker 4 39:13 Unadulterated, like it's such, it's a boomerang effect. It's wild. And it caught me off guard there for a second. I was like, okay, what's the catch. This is too good to be true. These people are suspiciously happy. I think things are going quite too well. I kind of feel awesome. Like, you know, very something bad is going to happen,
Speaker 0 39:28 Right? And that's, that's the thought process of an addict alcoholic person in pain is when is the other shoe going to drop, right? When is the other shoe going to drop? Because like you said, this is too good to be true, but it's not. That's the thing I believe in my bones, that being in recovery, there's no catch. It's not too good to be true. And it's not so far away for you that you can't reach it. All it really is, is just an arms length. And all you have to do is reach out and ask for help because we are not mind readers. I can't know what's going on inside your head. I can't know that you want help. That that desperation is there. If you want help, you must ask for it. That is your responsibility. And I am so grateful and glad that you asked for that help. I am so grateful and glad that I asked for that, because if we would not have asked for that help, we would not be sitting in studio one at KFA radio studio, one studio won't represent fresh. And it's
Speaker 4 40:31 Incredible how that arms length can feel such leaps and bounds away. And then being on the other side of it is you just want to give the arms, everybody it's, it's, it's such a trip, but it's true. It's there for everybody. And it's not going anywhere
Speaker 0 40:45 For so many people that struggle with these things that don't ask for help. The statistics are a little baffling, how those people's lives and in traumatic incidents or suicide. Why do you think that you were not one of those people? Why do you think you were not one of those statistics dying prematurely from suicide overdose or any other multitude of ways that it could have happened while you were in that altered state, fucked out of your mind, three sheets to the wind. Fuck it. 23 sheets to the wind. Why were you not one of those statistics?
Speaker 4 41:19 I don't think anything happens by chance. I don't think there are coincidences thing. I was blessed enough to not be that statistic. So I can be here as a living, breathing form of proof, or hopefully people can draw inspiration from my story and my journey and come out of that. Rut come out of that. Slum walk with the light, because life is crazy absurd, but it is rich and beautiful. And it's so much better on this side of it. And you hear it all the time, but if I can do it, anybody can. And that's so real. And I can't wait to
Speaker 0 41:49 Ellie because you aren't one of those statistics. What would you like your legacy as a human being on this earth to be
Speaker 4 41:57 Sorry, you got me a little speechless. My legacy as a human being on this earth, there's a certain level of deprogramming and clearing up of, of wreckage that I believe I owe to the planet to myself, to my loved ones and to everyone else. And so part of my legacy, giving back and pummeling other people in the right direction and helping add to the embracing of diversity and the spread of color and beauty and laughter and a high five and a hug. And just letting people know that dare to be dare to let yourself shine dare to be different. Dare to be vulnerable. Don't shut down. Don't put this all on you and like maybe a cool solo album at some point.
Speaker 0 42:35 Nailed it, Allie. Thank you so much for getting vulnerable with me. It's my pleasure. No, it was no, honestly it was my pleasure. You are 70 whatever days, clean and sober. Hold on. Can you talk about the letter right now? Nick? Are you ready? We're going to do it right now. 30 days past September, April, June, and November. April may, June, July is 31 plus 10 30, two 63. You are at 73 days, 73 days sober and already. I see from you this outpouring of love, kindness, compassion. It's this beautiful light that could only have been released by this gift of recovery. And I am so grateful that you have found it. I sincerely hope that you keep it and give it away.
Speaker 4 43:32 Yes. Thank you.
Speaker 0 43:33 You are listening to authentic where we get off then. Okay. That one wasn't bad. We'll work on that next episode in being authentic, I would like to think all of the musical stylings that we had on today's show, we cannot forget them. We got to give them their props. First. You heard madness by muse mama, mama, mama, mama, nurse. You heard broken bones by Cailliau. You heard, you don't know how it feels by Tom petty. And the craziest thing just happened. Serendipitous to the fucking Allie said ever lasting light about two and a half minutes ago. So if you want it, if you want to rewind that, you'll hear Allie say everlasting light and that it's our final song for you today. Just remember be good to yourselves. It's important. <inaudible>.
