Speaker 0 00:00:00 Hey you. Yeah, you, if you or someone you know, is struggling with anything mentioned on today's program, please, please, please, please, please, please email
[email protected]. That's a U T H E N I C K. The
[email protected]. I am available 24 seven three 65 to help in any way that I can. I have resources. I have open ears and open heart and tons of hope. I've been freely given all these things and would love to give them to you. Be good to yourselves and each other. Follow me on Twitter, using the handle at authen neck and my dog, Marla on Instagram at DJ Marla dot Jean. Before we get started today, I would like to tell you that suicide is mentioned multiple times. In this episode, if you or someone you know is going to be triggered by that, or you're struggling with suicidal ideation or you have a plan to commit suicide, please reach out, speak with a counselor today at the national suicide prevention lifeline, their number is +1 800-273-8255. That's +1 800-273-8255. Alcoholics anonymous or AA will also be mentioned multiple times. During this episode, the expressed views and opinions by the interviewee do not reflect AA as a whole. Please enjoy.
Speaker 1 00:01:37 <inaudible> welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the show. Wow.
Speaker 0 00:02:15 My name is Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons van enabled, but most people just call me Nick. And this is my show author
Speaker 1 00:02:26 Like authentic, but instead of tick, I added Nick. Just change the consonant. Okay. Anyway, with me as always is my dog. Marla.
Speaker 0 00:02:48 Sean is these fish and chips where our fish, our stacks and our chips are Doritos. This is Carl Homer.
Speaker 1 00:02:56 Okay.
Speaker 0 00:02:56 Okay. Apparently you're for your job interview on Monday. Anyway, here on authentic, where we get authentic, we talk about all things recovery. Well, what do I mean by that? All things recovery. Well, what I mean by that is if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you, yes,
Speaker 2 00:03:16 You
Speaker 0 00:03:18 Are in recovery from something. As for myself, I am in recovery from alcoholism. I am an alcoholic. I'm also a drug addict. I have an eating disorder. I bipolar disorder. I'm a compulsive gambler. Really? The list could go on and on and on and on and on. Luckily for you to show is not about me. Yes. The show, however, is about two people. First is my guest Cody P who will share his experience, strength and hope as it pertains to undiagnosed mental illness. Second is the one person whose life Cody is most certainly going to save by giving his testimony and his solutions here tonight. We are here to smash stigma. We are here to bring you solutions and we are here to tell you most of all that you are not alone. Speaking of not being alone, I'm not alone in this studio right now. It's just not Marla and me Cody P please until this in any way,
Speaker 2 00:04:24 My name is Cody fed a place. Oh yeah, that's right.
Speaker 0 00:04:28 Big, big dog. Isn't using the first and the last,
Speaker 2 00:04:32 Oh, we're here to smash stigma's neck.
Speaker 0 00:04:34 Oh, I introduced you as Cody P. There is no shame, no shame zone. That's right. Cody, who are you?
Speaker 2 00:04:42 Uh, my name's Cody and I am an individual who is in recovery from a great many things. And one of those things is undiagnosed mental illness. Well, now it's been Ty nose, but for a long, long time, it was not.
Speaker 0 00:04:55 Why are you here?
Speaker 2 00:04:57 I am here for one because doing this selfishly helps me, helps me to understand things and helps me to verbally process things on the unselfish act though. I'm hoping that I can help a few people. I'm hoping that my experience and the things that I have worked through, make sense to some people and they go, you know what? I think maybe I can tune out the same thing that he did.
Speaker 0 00:05:21 I, for 1:00 AM very grateful that you are here. I'm excited to get down to this. So let's do just that. Let's start from the very beginning. You said that you had undiagnosed mental illness now. What is that mental illness? What did that feel like? When did you first start feeling different?
Speaker 2 00:05:42 Honestly, very young. I mean, I'm talking three, four years old. My grandmother would call me sunshine on the outside. I was very light and smiley and you know, just this happy little kid on the inside though. It was very dark times and I didn't understand why,
Speaker 0 00:06:00 What do you mean by dark inside?
Speaker 2 00:06:03 Hm. How do I explain it? Just sad for no fucking reason.
Speaker 0 00:06:08 Is anybody else in your family suffering from mental illness,
Speaker 2 00:06:12 Both mental illness and a detection runs rampant throughout my bloodline.
Speaker 0 00:06:18 And what sort of mental illness is prevalent in your family?
Speaker 2 00:06:22 We could go in the anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, uh, tension of all kinds. And there's more do
Speaker 0 00:06:30 You view addiction as a mental illness?
Speaker 2 00:06:33 It's part mental. I view it as my body has a response to specific chemicals that then causes my physical body to crave them. Once that happens, the phenomena of craving enters my mind. And then that spreads into my emotional life, my spiritual life, every aspect of my life,
Speaker 0 00:06:54 All encompassing. Exactly. It just doesn't leave you the fuck alone. Does it? Nope. All right. You started to feel different around three or four years old. Your grandmother called you sunshine, but on the inside, it was very, very, very dark.
Speaker 2 00:07:11 Yes. And not all the time, but a good portion to where I look back. And I'm like, what the fuck was going on with me?
Speaker 0 00:07:19 You ever expressed to the adults around you or maybe even other kids?
Speaker 2 00:07:24 No, but a lot of that plays into another one of my mental illnesses, which was anxiety and especially severe social anxiety because of my speech impediment. So expressing things was not a thing that I did very often.
Speaker 0 00:07:37 How did these mental illnesses, these chemical imbalances in your brain, how did those show up as you came to school?
Speaker 2 00:07:47 In like my very young, like kindergarten and like preschool, not so much, but then once people knew I stuttered and you know, little four or five, six year olds, they make fun of you. They're ruthless non filters on them, little fuckers, but they made fun of my stuttering. And then I was like, Oh, well now there's something wrong with me. Now, someone outside of myself sees me and it doesn't like me. So I now believe them. So then the social anxiety just revved up more and more and more over the years where now I'm not raising my hand in class, you know, I'm pretty smart. So I, you usually would know the answer, but I refused to raise my hand because I don't want to stutter because I don't want to reinforce this now thought that is inside of me. That I'm a piece of shit because I stuttered.
Speaker 0 00:08:40 Do you think that your mental illness was the precursor to your stuttering or the other way around? Do you think your stuttering produced your mental illness?
Speaker 2 00:08:53 Well, with my very depression, I know that that is linked with my father going to prison when I was four months old, as far as the social anxiety. Absolutely my stutter, but the thing that's hard is like, I don't remember when I started stuttering because it was around three or four, but there was a time that I wasn't suffering first months, first year and a half of your life is really fundamental with how you held an outlook on things like me, even though you aren't necessarily conscious of it. It's still the framework of a lot of who you are in your life. And when I look back and think about it, and now that I'm older, I can do, you know, self introspective on it. A lot of that shit comes up with my dad's not here and it's my fault, or my dad's not here. So I'm not worthy of having a father,
Speaker 0 00:09:47 As you progressed through your elementary years. What other sort of things did you notice as it pertains to your mental health
Speaker 2 00:09:56 Man, as I'm getting older and all there, we'll just call it fear as a baseline fear for everything. Fear of talking to people, fear of confrontation, fear of expressing myself, fear of feeling things. It was really just like my attention, all encompassing from a pretty young age, almost throughout my whole life. Except when you add in the detection piece. And for that very short time, I started to self medicate and found the quote unquote solution.
Speaker 0 00:10:28 And this solution took the form of,
Speaker 2 00:10:31 Uh, started with alcohol when I was 12 years old.
Speaker 0 00:10:34 What did you notice that alcohol did for your mental health?
Speaker 2 00:10:38 As soon as I drank my anxiety has gone, my social anxiety has gone. I don't stutter when I drink. Yeah. Huge, huge peace. I can be free. I can be me. I'm not worried about what people are thinking. I'm not worried about what I'm saying. I'm not, there's just this space, this space to talk this space, to connect with people, which was the big thing I was in a self-imposed prison where I, I didn't talk to anybody.
Speaker 0 00:11:04 How long did that work for as a solution?
Speaker 2 00:11:07 Honestly like eight years. Yeah. I was drunk almost everyday for eight years and high and other things obviously. But specifically the alcohol piece was a solution for that.
Speaker 0 00:11:16 Were you receiving any other help for your mental illness beyond your self-medication? No, not at all. Did you talk about it? Did you ever tell your mom or a teacher or a counselor? I am fearful of everything. I am terrified. This speech impediment is all encompassing and it's really contributing to my depression and my anxiety. Obviously, a child isn't going to use typically going to use words like anxiety and depression, but I can't stop worrying. I can't stop worrying. My mind will not stop. Did you ever an adult?
Speaker 2 00:11:54 Not that I know of. And I didn't speak with my mom because my mom suffers from a lot of stuff too. And she also does not take care of herself in my eyes. I honestly lost respect for my mom at a very young age, because I seen her struggling her whole life and her not doing anything about,
Speaker 0 00:12:13 Do you think that you never approached her because of that because you were embarrassed of her or that you saw her struggling, so you didn't want to burden her or maybe she didn't have the answers. Why, why do you think that is
Speaker 2 00:12:28 A, another thing I have is like a PTSD. Part of that comes from me being very young and throughout, I don't know, ages from like three to we'll go up to 18. My mother flying off the handle at me for the very smallest thing. And then three seconds later going, let's just forget that ever happened. My mother doesn't, she might believe now she didn't believe in a mental illness and all of this stuff. She's like, Oh, uh, mind over matter, this stuff's fake, et cetera. There was no reason to talk to her about something that she doesn't believe is real. I mean, even now with my me being three years sober, you know, um, congratulations. Thank you, actually, it's not three years yet. It's three years next month on the 19th. We're almost there, but
Speaker 0 00:13:15 Almost there. All we have is today.
Speaker 2 00:13:17 That's right, baby. You know? So like what was the point? I would have either gotten attacked, made it seem like how I'm feeling is not real or like suck it up and just live with it, which was I'd rather just go get high. I mean, I did talk to my friends about it, not, you know, and like the exact words of like anxiety, depression, PTSD, bipolar, but I definitely found solace and because all of my friends also had the same thing.
Speaker 0 00:13:42 They all had the same thing. How did you know that if you weren't talking to anybody about it, how did they, how do you know that they had it too?
Speaker 2 00:13:50 Because I had a very small group of friends, but we were all very open and honest with each other. And especially when we would be using uppers, you would have very in-depth long conversations about things.
Speaker 0 00:14:02 So you were talking about your mental illness, but you were high. Oh, absolutely. Could you talk about those things when you weren't higher drunk?
Speaker 2 00:14:11 Well, back in those days, when wasn't I hired drunk is the real question there.
Speaker 0 00:14:20 If you weren't drunk and high all the time, do you think you would have talked about it without substances in your body?
Speaker 2 00:14:28 Uh, to my friends, probably to anybody else? Absolutely not.
Speaker 0 00:14:31 If your friends were suffering from the same afflictions, what sort of help did they provide you in the moment?
Speaker 2 00:14:40 It made me feel like I'm not alone. Made me feel like I'm not fucked up. I'm not a monster. Uh, what makes you a monster? You know, it's really weird that I use that word. It's not weird, but I was doing some forcep work yesterday.
Speaker 0 00:14:57 And the fourth step. Are you speaking of a 12 step program?
Speaker 2 00:15:01 Yes. A 12 step program called alcoholics anonymous.
Speaker 0 00:15:05 Alcoholics anonymous. Okay. You're working on your fourth step, which is
Speaker 2 00:15:09 Making a fearless and searching inventory of yourself.
Speaker 0 00:15:13 Okay. So you're writing down on a piece of paper, your personal inventory, is that right? Okay. So yesterday or recently you were working on this four step?
Speaker 2 00:15:24 Yep. And it was a resentment. I have towards myself specifically towards my stutter. And instead of for making me feel like a monster. So that's why I thought it was interesting that he used that word.
Speaker 0 00:15:36 Okay. Now, when I think of a monster, I think I automatically think of someone that has no feelings, someone that is just leaving treachery and just shredding everything and blowing everything up and setting the world on fucking fire and not caring. That's where my mind goes. When I hear monster. Why? I wonder why you used that word?
Speaker 2 00:16:06 Probably. Cause that's what I was doing to my internal world, destroying it, leaving wreckage everywhere. And then eventually it did start to seep outside of me into the external world.
Speaker 0 00:16:18 And how did that move to the external world? This monster within
Speaker 2 00:16:22 I actually very vividly remember writing a poem. I don't remember exactly what it was, but one of the lines was, if you want to treat me like a monster, then I will show you just how much of one I am.
Speaker 0 00:16:38 I'm glad there's a soundboard separating us right now. Good. God, that's dark, man. That's kind of fucked up. You shouldn't. I don't think you're in the right place. No, you're on authentic. You're definitely in the right place. Okay. So you were using substances in particular to deal with your undiagnosed mental illness. And you talked about having anxiety, depression. What other things were you having? PTSD? Anything else you want to throw into that? Coltrane?
Speaker 2 00:17:12 ADHD is a very real thing for me and some sort of bipolar.
Speaker 0 00:17:18 So you're thrown out all these words. Let's let's break them down. Okay. So let's start with anxiety. What did anxiety look like? What did it feel like? What is anxiety to you? Cody
Speaker 2 00:17:32 Trying to think of the M and M line. Cause it just popped in my head.
Speaker 0 00:17:37 All right.
Speaker 2 00:17:37 So for whore myself, I'm going to split it up. My anxiety is even on the way over here. I already knew like I sent you the songs I wanted. I knew what we wanted to speak about. And then I'm way over here. My mind starts to race. That's what you should do this. No, no, maybe you should do this. And then I can't breathe. I can't literally can't exhale all of the oxygen in my lungs and then refill them. So it's Oh, it's breathing heavy. It's sweaty. It's unsure of a decision that I made. And then for me, there's the social anxiety, a piece, which is almost all fear. I did an episode with you before where it was on my speech impediment. I was constantly stuttering throughout all of that. The fear of showing the world who I am and that is, that shuts me down completely. My throat locks up. It almost feels like my body tries to make me go to sleep or to run. It is constant fight or flight mode.
Speaker 0 00:18:36 What about your depression? What did that look like? What did that feel like? You said it was this darkness, the sadness, but I I'd like you to go a little bit deeper than that. Absolutely. It's
Speaker 2 00:18:50 It's a space inside of me that affirms every negative thought or every shitty thing someone's ever said to me. So inside of myself, it's like, there's this room with all that stuff. And when I feel that feeling, it's like, I can't escape that room and I'm locked in it. You're a piece of shit. You hate yourself. Why don't you kill yourself? You're no good. And it's not just a thought though. It's an actual feeling. It's also a E M M emotional and physical response that is congruent with
Speaker 0 00:19:26 Those thoughts. What is this physical response? What does it literally feel like?
Speaker 2 00:19:31 Uh, it feels like my body's shutting down. I feel numb. Want to sleep, but can't sleep want to move, but can't move.
Speaker 0 00:19:41 And how did that affect your relationships at that young age?
Speaker 2 00:19:46 I don't even know to be honest, because I've always just been so aware of the social anxiety piece with how I would be relating with others. That, that piece I'm not even that. Sure. I can for sure to tell you though, that feeling caused me to sleep with a lot of people to therefore affirm that I wasn't what I feel like in that space.
Speaker 0 00:20:11 So you were using not only drugs and alcohol, but now you're introducing sex.
Speaker 2 00:20:17 Oh, absolutely. To escape, escape. And also to get positive, external validation.
Speaker 0 00:20:27 You weren't getting positive, external validation from home. Where are you?
Speaker 2 00:20:32 50? My mom was like, check one hide when she wasn't struggling with her own stuff. My mom was fucking amazing, dude. She still is amazing. I know that I'm going to say some stuff about her throughout this, but like, I'm that she also listened to this. She was amazing. She was a single mom that did everything that she could, she loved me. She taught me how to love myself. She taught me how to be loving to the world. But then there's the opposite spectrum where she flies off the handles.
Speaker 0 00:21:05 What do you mean by that? She flies off the handle.
Speaker 2 00:21:07 Uh, screaming, yelling sometimes would hit me in my older years or attempt to, I should say. And then afterwards, just being like, let's pretend that that never happened.
Speaker 0 00:21:18 Is that the only form of PTSD or is there more,
Speaker 2 00:21:21 There's more for sure. There's stuff with my speech impediment, obviously, you know, like, uh, not feeling like you can talk is very traumatic. There's a thing. When I was 23 years old, the woman I was with got pregnant, I joined the Marines, did great scored high in my ass. We have all that stuff. Passed maps a few times when I was leaving for bootcamp, my daughter was three weeks old and she slept on my chest every night. And I was going to get cleared through maps one last time. And as I was leaving to walk out the door to hop on the bus, to hop on the plane, to go to bootcamp, I stuttered and it was immediately red flag. And I shut down for eight months after that. And that is the thing that still affects me now with like creating my business because it's like, here's this next big step, man. You're going to do it. You're gonna rock it. And then my brain's like, don't fucking do it because you know what happened last time you're going to get crushed. Something's going to happen. Avoid the situation.
Speaker 0 00:22:28 What about your ADHD?
Speaker 2 00:22:29 Very hard to concentrate on one specific thing. And usually if I am able to, it's like all encompassing. There's that word again? It's, you know, it's very hard for me to, to just kind of just be with something it's either like super hyper hyper focus or I'm just kinda like bouncing around between this, that and the other thing.
Speaker 0 00:22:50 Well, and I think everybody struggles with that. It's not just people with ADHD, especially if it's not diagnosed or addressed. Everyone has difficulty concentrating, right? To some extent, to some extent everyone has difficulty concentrating, but not everyone identifies as someone with having ADHD. So what's the difference.
Speaker 2 00:23:14 Let me put it like this. I like stimulants. The reason I like stimulants is because for years I was self medicating because when I took stimulants, it doesn't have the effect on me that it has another people. Whoa, why do they get really jacked up and wired in their, you know, pumped and all over the place. And they're about to do like a hundred different things. When I take a stimulant, what happens to my brain is it slows down and it can focus on something in front of me. So when I'm not on a stimulant, my brain is like, how other people, when they are on a stimulant, I think that's the best way I can explain it.
Speaker 0 00:23:49 These four things, having these four things that you've pinpointed, anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, all these acronyms being thrown around. And I'm already confused. There's so many words. That's gotta be confusing for a small child to feel all these things for an adolescent to feel all these things and not have a name for it. Not have an outlet for it. Eventually you were diagnosed with a mental illness, is that correct? Yes. And how old were you when you were first diagnosed with a mental illness?
Speaker 2 00:24:24 I was around 20. I mean, I've known up to this point that like, there's something fucking wrong with me.
Speaker 0 00:24:30 Why did you go, why did you wait to go until you were 20? How did that situation come about?
Speaker 2 00:24:37 My, uh, diction to drugs and alcohol and sex and escapism controlled my life. And I don't even know if that's the right word. Like, yeah, obviously it can hold my really like awakened thought. But like, that was my reality. So nothing else fucking mattered. So yeah. That's why, but then when I did go, it was a very short thing and it was kind of just like, Oh, like here's this questionnaire. It looks like you have some things to take this pill. Where did you go? I don't know. Some small psych talk to her office up the road.
Speaker 0 00:25:13 You get sober. And did they tell you you needed to go get a psych evaluation? How did that come about? You said you addressed your drugs and alcohol, right? Yes.
Speaker 2 00:25:26 At the age of 27.
Speaker 0 00:25:28 Okay. So what do you mean you addressed it? Were you getting help for your chemical dependence?
Speaker 2 00:25:33 When I first had my first evaluation? No, cause I was still only 20 years old
Speaker 0 00:25:39 At 20 years old? Yes. What was the catalyst? Why did you go get a psych evaluation?
Speaker 2 00:25:45 Um, I just knew something was wrong. I needed to change. I wanted to escape where I was at in my life.
Speaker 0 00:25:52 It was just that day. There wasn't some sort of impending doom there wasn't some big blowout.
Speaker 2 00:25:59 No, it was, I can't take this anymore.
Speaker 0 00:26:02 Yeah. What a very lonely place to be. I'm sorry that you had to go through that.
Speaker 2 00:26:07 Yeah, me too. But it made me who I am now. So I'm, I've made my peace with most of it. Most being the key word,
Speaker 0 00:26:17 You go for the psychological evaluation. And what was the diagnosis?
Speaker 2 00:26:22 ADHD with some form, a anxiety and depression. This was not a very intense type thing at all. I honestly feel like I was there for an hour and he goes, here's your prescription
Speaker 0 00:26:34 In an hour, you are diagnosed with attention deficit, hyperactive disorder. And you had a prescription. Yeah. Within an hour. Which
Speaker 2 00:26:45 The fucked up part is that validated in my head. Every thought I've ever had about Western medicine and exactly why I didn't do that sooner. I'd rather just self-medicate because I know what works for me.
Speaker 0 00:26:59 And what medication did you receive?
Speaker 2 00:27:01 I don't fucking know. I took it for a week and a half and throw it away.
Speaker 0 00:27:05 Why it wasn't working?
Speaker 2 00:27:07 I just don't think I was ready. I wasn't ready to really step my game up and to do that, to truly address, I don't know,
Speaker 0 00:27:15 Or your diagnosis. And at that time, if I am correct, you were still using drugs and alcohol. Oh, very heavily. Well, and as we both know, but many out there do not know mental health medication do not work. If you are using mood altering substances, such as alcohol or illicit drugs. So that was the first time that you addressed it. The first time that you got some help and you threw the drugs away within a week. Yup. All right. We're going to take a little break. And then when we come back, we are going to talk about how Cody got some more help. We'll be right back.
Speaker 1 00:28:04 Mother nature never meant to Burke the nut, the child like me and then his grass smoke, a sickle rapper chew and get and highlight me Papa. <inaudible> not my home. So I'm going to burn this Bravo hopped on fairness to authen magic. Yay.
Speaker 0 00:28:58 Right before we took that break, Cody was talking about how he got help for the very first time with his mental illness. He received a diagnosis of having a D H D was given some medication, which he proceeded to throw out a week later because he hates Western medicine. My name's Cody and I hate Washington matters Shen. Yep. So let me just use my drugs and alcohol and sex to dampen
Speaker 2 00:29:26 It. The good American way, the good
Speaker 0 00:29:29 American way. I liked that. I liked that a lot. Moving forward. This was when you were 20 years old. When was the next time that you got help? The time that I had
Speaker 2 00:29:42 Anything to do with my mental health was the day before I left inpatient at the age of 27.
Speaker 0 00:29:47 Why did it take seven years for you to address it again?
Speaker 2 00:29:52 I didn't have anything happen in my life. That one didn't kill me too, was not more important or had more pull in my life than my addiction
Speaker 0 00:30:04 For seven years. It was all about your addiction. Yup. Everything else went by the wayside.
Speaker 2 00:30:12 I mean, I would do my best to incorporate things into my world, but they were always second by.
Speaker 0 00:30:17 And were you using drugs and alcohol and sex on a daily basis for that stretch of seven years? Yes. Do you think that those addictions are a reason that you are still alive today using those coping mechanisms? Honestly. Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:30:35 I mean, don't get me wrong. It's not an excuse for the way I was living my life. But like at the end of the day, like I created my own, my own barriers in my life to keep me in either a certain box or away from things, et cetera, that allowed me to survive. It was survival at that point
Speaker 0 00:30:54 In no way am I condoning these activities? I just wanted to know what you thought that was. If that actually did in some way, save your life. Using those coping mechanisms as fucking Lulea at 27 was the next time that you got help. What led up to that next time, getting help addressing your mental health?
Speaker 2 00:31:20 I was given a choice between the way I was living my life versus the only thing in the entire world that held a more weight over that, which was my beautiful daughter
Speaker 0 00:31:33 Because of your daughter. You got help for the second time. You're beautiful.
Speaker 2 00:31:39 I know she's the light of my fucking world, man.
Speaker 0 00:31:42 Can you explain that a little bit more? Yeah,
Speaker 2 00:31:44 Absolutely. Me and her mother have party been separated. Her a mother overdosed on heroin. The cops were called, I think Ariel was upstairs with her. Maybe not, but Riley, who is my stepson was downstairs with me. The cops came, CPS got involved. This happened in January of 2016 or 17. One of the two. I was not involved in the case cause I don't have anything to do with me, but I was still in active use and they were very aware of that. I was given a choice. You can either stay outside of the case, do what you're doing. If she doesn't follow our program, you know, like stay sober, do like a treatment show that she can be a mom. Your children will go into foster care or you can hop into the case, follow the guidelines, do what you need to do. And if that ever happens, then you will receive custody of the kids. If she doesn't do what she needs to do. So I made a fucking choice, man. I chose my kids.
Speaker 0 00:32:57 You chose your kids over your addictions
Speaker 2 00:33:01 And fear, fear of addressing my mental health.
Speaker 0 00:33:05 And at what point was your mental health addressed?
Speaker 2 00:33:08 Honestly, since the day I went into inpatient, I, um,
Speaker 0 00:33:12 You go into inpatient treatment and what happened?
Speaker 2 00:33:16 We have to start at the table before, because that's when I had like my first actual memory, mental health to the diagnosis, it was like four and a half hours. Like it was like 700 questions, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Speaker 0 00:33:30 So you didn't go some place. And an hour later you had a diagnosis and medication?
Speaker 2 00:33:37 No. I went to a place and did hours of testing where then I was given a new diagnosis.
Speaker 0 00:33:44 And what sort of testing did that entail?
Speaker 2 00:33:46 It was like 700 questions. I then spoke with someone right afterwards, I think for like an hour or two about things, you know, I'm still stuck on my test. And then from there I was given a diagnosis,
Speaker 0 00:34:01 A mental health professional gave you a diagnosis of what
Speaker 2 00:34:06 Anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, PTSD. There was some traits of narcissism, which, you know, you spend three and a half years by yourself, smoking meth, eventually all you care about is your fucking self anxiety, depression bipolar, but PTSD. ADHD. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:34:25 That's a whole lot of stuff thrown on your plate at one time. Yeah. And how can you even begin to address that many acronyms and words?
Speaker 2 00:34:37 I didn't. I went in to inpatient and I focused on my addiction.
Speaker 0 00:34:43 First things. First, stop drinking, stop drugging. Yup. How long after you quit drinking and drugging, did you start addressing those mental health diagnoses?
Speaker 2 00:34:56 Always been addressed in their own way? Like not like, okay. So today we're going to focus on my depression, but like in a sense of like, I started to learn to take care of myself. I started to learn to sleep, to take care of my physical body again, to start to eat and sleep, to work out. I started therapy and doing brainspotting. Um, what's brainspotting. Brainspotting is like EMDR.
Speaker 0 00:35:20 And what is the MDR? Uh, it
Speaker 2 00:35:22 Is a thing that you do with a licensed healthcare professional that allows you to move through trauma. I think this is the best way I can explain it.
Speaker 0 00:35:34 And what did that do for you? Fuck,
Speaker 2 00:35:38 Uh, well it's intense. I've almost puked three times during it.
Speaker 0 00:35:40 Okay. And can you explain what that process is? Like, take me through an EMDR or a brain spotting session.
Speaker 2 00:35:48 Uh, okay. But specifically brainspotting, cause I've never been a part of EMDR. I just want to throw that out there to the crowd. Um, so I'd brainspotting you think about a situation? Um, I think about a situation.
Speaker 0 00:36:03 There you go. I want, I honestly, I want you to talk about it firsthand. What did your first session of brainspotting look like?
Speaker 2 00:36:13 That's like my I'm starting to speak to my therapist about something then I would stop. And I would feel in my physical body where I feel activated, where I feel pain, where I feel tinglies et cetera. And because I do the stuff I do as a Reiki healer, I'm super S with all that stuff. So it was really easy for me, you know? So then I feel where I'm activated. And then from there, my therapist would take out a pointer to move it from left to right and up and down. So as you follow this with your eye, you can literally feel yourself becoming more activated or less activated throughout that process. You find the point where you are most activated and then you literally stare at the spot. And as you are staring and urn, you know, you're like a 10 out of 10 for an activation, like about this specific traumatic situation. Your brain physically starts to process the <inaudible> emotions and, uh, physiological responses that are stored in your body with those memories throughout this process, you release this stuff and then you become less and less and less activated throughout that. So when you are less activated and you, this thing happens again, a thought triggers this incident, instead of being a 10 out of 10, you might be a seven out of 10 the next time.
Speaker 0 00:37:46 What other tools were you gaining at this time when you were 27
Speaker 2 00:37:52 Through therapy specifically in general in general? Oh my God, tons dude. I was off to the fucking races when I finally got sober because I was fucking home baby. And I knew it. I think a lot of it has to do too with the fact that for three and a half years before getting sober, I was constantly smoking meth. So I was just in that state of like, let's go, go, go do this finalist. Let's fucking, you know, smash everything inside of me.
Speaker 0 00:38:17 You were willing and ready. Oh
Speaker 2 00:38:19 Yes. Fire under my ass. I was learning how to talk. Speaking at meetings, speaking publicly around people. That was the coolest thing about fucking inpatient and the 12 step program that I work because it was the first time in my life that I ever publicly and people didn't care. And I knew that these people did not care. Uh, so through that, I was learning how to talk to people. I was learning how to connect. I was learning how to express myself without being underneath the fucking influence. I was learning how to trust again, like my therapist and my first sponsor were huge with that for allowing me to open up to trust someone, to be fucking vulnerable without being afraid of being hurt. You know, I mean, there was just so many things, right.
Speaker 0 00:39:08 Um, what tools are in your belt right now?
Speaker 2 00:39:12 All right, we're doing this. Uh, self-introspection being honest with myself about how I'm showing up for other people and being able to see that reflect on it and then change my future actions and clean my side of the street, meditation, prayer. I work out, I eat good. I am able to do inventory on myself every night. So I see where I'm showing up in the wrong way with the people that are close with me. This may not be a tool, so to say, but I think it is for myself, at least, uh, living a life filled with honesty and integrity. There's a lot more, there's breathing techniques. I, you know, I'm an energy healer. There's a whole plethora of shit that I gain from that stuff.
Speaker 0 00:39:54 What other tools were introduced to you at the very beginning?
Speaker 2 00:39:59 Very beginning, Oh man, I'm going to go back worrying about myself, which sounds like a weird tool, but putting myself first, I mean, throughout everything, I definitely have a lot of characteristics of codependency and caring about others more than myself for various reasons.
Speaker 0 00:40:17 How do you put yourself first?
Speaker 2 00:40:19 I make sure that I'm taking care of. I make sure that I'm fed. I make sure that I'm sleeping enough. I make sure that I'm getting the, the exercise that I need, the brain exercise that I need, the emotional can and inaction and exercise that I need to fill full learning to fill my cup first. And then once my cup is full and overflowing, I can share all that beauty with other people. And also if that affects how I show up for other people, if Mike cup is full, man, I'm a fucking rockstar. If my cup is empty, you probably shouldn't be around me. It sucks too, because then it's like now, great. Now I heard all these people's feelings because I was being an asshole. Cause I didn't take care of myself for, so now I have to clean up more wreckage learning that it's okay to have fun.
Speaker 2 00:41:05 And I deserve to have fun. You know, that was a huge tool. And it's weird because I just don't think that like these are things I would consider a tool. But like, as we're speaking about, like, this is absolutely a tool, you know, like an understanding that I can just have fun. I can laugh. I can not worry if, if I'm going to die in the next hour or if I need to get marched trucks in the next 30 minutes or, you know, whatever. Yeah. Those are some of the ones I'm, you know, just connecting with people. But I already said that like eight times in the sub sewed and I probably will say it several more times and that's okay. Yeah. Cause that's the big thing for me.
Speaker 0 00:41:42 We're connecting so hard right now. So hard. The most connection there's like 14 ends and our can action. We're still sorry.
Speaker 3 00:41:54 Yep. Don't cough on me. Sorry. Sanitize your hands, bitch. You talked about all that,
Speaker 0 00:42:04 These helpful things, these helpful people. What wasn't helpful when I first started.
Speaker 3 00:42:09 Yeah.
Speaker 2 00:42:12 Anything that wasn't helpful was of my own doing to be fucking honest. Really?
Speaker 0 00:42:17 It was, it was all self-sabotage there wasn't anybody or anything in your life that wasn't helping you other than yourself.
Speaker 2 00:42:25 Oh, I mean, sure. You have the people you don't vibe with at an inpatient, but that's normal. What about your family? Oh, what? Wasn't helpful. Some shit with my mom. For sure. You know, like the thing with my mom is man, like she was, she was, she was happy. I was doing what I was doing and she was still showing up for me. But she was showing up while still holding onto resentments about shit before I got sober. How do you not let that affect you? I distanced myself. Yep. Boundaries. I understand that you have things that you're going through and there's things that I am as well. And our relationship is very important to me. But however, myself is more important. So I need you to exit my life for the time being
Speaker 0 00:43:10 What would be an example of a question about your mental health? That isn't helpful. Okay.
Speaker 2 00:43:16 Question. That's not helpful. Why do you think you have this?
Speaker 0 00:43:21 Why do you think you have this? Why isn't that helpful?
Speaker 2 00:43:24 Not a solution based question at least. I mean, sure. It can be in the sense of like, Oh, well, if I pin these pieces together, I can have a deeper understanding, but I am very solution-based.
Speaker 0 00:43:37 Would you say to someone that you express to them that you have depression or they notice that you are down and you open up to them and you say, yeah, I'm really in the thick of my depression right now. And they say back to you, we'll just share it
Speaker 3 00:43:53 Up.
Speaker 0 00:43:56 Oh man. Oh, what a smile on your face? Go do some jumping jacks. Get your blood flowing, go have a diet Coke. Just cheer up, man. What would you say to that person?
Speaker 2 00:44:06 I wouldn't say anything. Nothing. There's no reason I would, you can't explain something to an individual that is closed-minded
Speaker 0 00:44:14 Clean it to me. Maybe that was just an ignorant statement.
Speaker 2 00:44:17 Okay. So what am I explaining again? How do you smash
Speaker 0 00:44:19 Ignorance? A statement such as well. Why don't you just cheer up, man, if you're depressed, why don't you just cheer up
Speaker 2 00:44:27 In this moment? It is actually impossible for me to do that. Why? Because I have something that happens to me that is outside of my control. And while it is happening, there are things that I can do to keep my head above water barely at times. But how I'm feeling is just going to be this way until I'm not feeling this way anymore. Well, how long is that going to be? I don't have that answer for you.
Speaker 0 00:44:56 Why are you going to kill yourself? No. Why not? Because I know that this will pass. How do you know that?
Speaker 2 00:45:03 Because it's happened before and every time it does it,
Speaker 0 00:45:08 What do you say to someone that's feeling that for the very first time or hasn't felt anything other than depressed?
Speaker 2 00:45:15 I'm going to answer those separately because I feel it's important. Someone who is in that state right now, it's okay. It sucks. It's dark, but you've been through this and you've come out on the other end every single time. And I love you now. The other one, the person that hasn't left that state, I don't even know where to begin. My first instinct is to show some sort of compassion and be like, I'm sorry. I want to be there to help you. And I think that's probably what I would do. I would just sit with them. And then throughout that process, I would just show them unconditional love. I don't even know if I would say much. I would just be with them. And then I would let them talk if they wanted to talk and discuss things, if they wanted to do that. But I don't feel like it's right to be like, don't worry, buddy. It'll be all rainbows and sunshine. When their life isn't rainbows and sunshine, I would just give them something that they might not have a lot of. And that's a person that can just be with them in their sadness to show them that just because this is the way you are or the way that you feel. It doesn't mean that you're fucked up or that I don't want to be around you.
Speaker 0 00:46:30 How old are you Cody? How old are you today?
Speaker 2 00:46:33 I am 31 years old. You're 31
Speaker 0 00:46:35 Years old. And your mental health was not truly addressed, was not truly accepted by you until you were 27.
Speaker 2 00:46:48 Um, if we're going for truly accepted, we're talking like seven weeks ago.
Speaker 0 00:46:54 What happened seven weeks ago.
Speaker 2 00:46:56 Okay. So this is fun. Here we go. Uh, I'm going to do a very short little like last, um, post. I got three years of being sober. So I like, I got sober. I'm doing the recovery jam. I'm rocking my program. I'm feeling better. I'm doing therapy, but in my therapy, I am doing like brain spotting on this stuff. Well, we don't speak about like mental illnesses specifically, which I now it's kind of weird to think about, but it's, it's, it's exactly what I needed at that time. And also me being a role high-key healer teacher. The reason why I started to do that even years before I got sober was because I didn't believe in Western medicine. I wanted to do it this way because I knew this way worked or it was the way that my soul was like, Hey, this is what you need to do.
Speaker 2 00:47:41 Sweet. So I was just doing all this stuff, all this self care, learning, all these tools, doing my own stuff. It worked for a while. I got better. You know, we're talking at the end of year, one moving into year two of sobriety. Like I'm feeling better, but like not a lot, like, cause like dude, I D I eat good. I work out, I do meetings. I have fun. I, you know, but like, I feel like shit, 75% of the time, and I'm doing three and a half hours of self care everyday. Like something's not fucking right. So I sat with that and I struggled with that for a long time, long, long, long time. So about eight weeks ago, I was going through some really deep dark shit, which the way that I view that stuff is through like my holistic approach. You know, you're going to the dark night of the soul.
Speaker 2 00:48:27 You're like working on some really deep shit, which I do think that that is definitely the work that I do. But I also think that my depression plays a huge part in that, which I just was not fucking accepting because I shouldn't be going through this every month. You know what I'm saying? Few weeks ago was almost at the point of having a mental breakdown, nothing I was doing was helping the thing that really triggered it or was the catalyst was my kids would do really small things and I would fly off the handle on them. Interesting. Right. And then we look back to where my PTSD started with my mom and it happened for about three or four days straight. And I was like, this is not a fucking K dude. You know, like I'm not going to put them through what I've been through.
Speaker 2 00:49:14 Especially with my kids have been through a ridiculous amount of shit. Like I just got custody of them. My babies don't need any fucking more. And I was like, something's got to fucking give dude. So, and it worked out perfectly, HP, thank you. Because, uh, right when that happened is right when I got my health insurance back. So I got on the phone, I know this place that like my kids do therapy every week we were doing family therapy, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, look, I was like, I need to talk to a fucking psychiatrist. I've never called anywhere before. You're like, Hey, I need to fucking talk to us. Like I trust cause something needs to change here. And I got hooked up with a new therapist as well. Cause I didn't do therapy for about a year and a half because that's when my old place got actually shut to town or they closed.
Speaker 2 00:50:03 I should say, I love that place. And then I didn't have the insurance for a whole year. So here we are now that's was what happened and already in the last eight weeks. Lots of changing. Yeah. Especially with the acceptance piece. I'm now accepting the fact that I do have these things. It was my pride. I didn't want to believe that these things could run my life and that same way my addiction, you know, I can find a way through it. I can do this my own fucking way. Well, I can't. Um, I had to let go of that pride and it's weird too, because my 12 step program, plus my holistic healing stuff, it's literally in our books and our literature and our training guides to use this stuff in conjunction with all other things, such as medical, licensed professionals, therapists, and psychiatrists. And I always overlooked that piece this whole fucking time. And it was all pride.
Speaker 0 00:51:00 So what happened? What are you doing?
Speaker 2 00:51:02 I met with my psych. We did, you know, like the two hour thing and book from there now in April, I start psycho and then in dialysis, which is this huge thing you go in and you meet with a psychologist three to four times for three to four hours to pinpoint exactly what is happening inside of me to make sure that I can get diagnosed properly and get the proper help. That being said, I have started a medic occasion. That is just a mood stabilizer because I was completely unstable. And I was like, I would like something that would have helped me until April please. Well, first I was like, no, I don't want anything. And then a few days later I was still going through this stuff. And then I called him back and I was like, Hey, actually, let's fucking do this. I have to wait until April. I just found out
Speaker 0 00:51:49 You got to let go of that pride on a daily basis.
Speaker 2 00:51:52 No shit. I didn't want to wait three months. It's helping a lot. I started embedded with my new therapist, which this therapist is unlike anything I've ever experienced. He teaches me about the certain parts of the brain that interact with certain mental illnesses. The F the physiology of what actually happens when you have a chemical release for anxiety or depression, all these beautiful things, because how he explained it, it's like, let's say that you've never farted before. And you just went to Chipola and ate five burritos. And now you have gas. You would be scared, fucking shitless. You don't know what's happening. Pun intended. Things are coming out your fucking ass. Well, that's what happens with anxiety, depression. It's like, you don't understand what's happening. So when these things are happening and you're having these physiological responses, it's only heightening that it's only making you be afraid. It's only pulling you essentially deeper into what's happening instead of like being able to stop and understand, and then take the appropriate action.
Speaker 0 00:52:52 All right. Some wonderful nuggets in there. Mr. Nugget provider, did you have Chipotle before you came in here? By the way?
Speaker 2 00:53:00 No, but I am right after that will be myself.
Speaker 0 00:53:04 Thank you for waiting. And I'm going to thank all of you for waiting in advance while we take one more break. And when we come back, Cody, you want to sing it with me? We're going to talk about some <inaudible>. My limbic system feels really great.
Speaker 1 00:53:59 I woke up early in the morning, my window, get this banana pancakes. My problems by me. Damn angel, lay outside as heavy <inaudible> <inaudible> we've made it
Speaker 0 00:54:41 Cody. We've made it. We've made it to hope.
Speaker 2 00:54:45 Oh, Oh, cool. We're here. Here we are. Here
Speaker 0 00:54:48 We are. We made it hope.
Speaker 2 00:54:50 Hope, hope, hope. Oh, it was terrible. Oh, there we go. Hope you would find thanks. Hope let's talk. Hope let's fucking do it. Cody. What is hope, man? Hope is the silver lining hope is the feeling that pushes you through and you don't want to continue. Hope is a belief that things will get better.
Speaker 0 00:55:22 Cody, what would you say to someone that was like you, that rejected the idea of using Western medicine, using pills to fix your shit. Guess what? You're taking pills now you're using a mood stabilizer, right? What would you say to someone that says you don't need that? That's just, you just need to combat this with faith and therapy. You don't need drugs.
Speaker 2 00:55:52 If someone said it to me, I'd say, Oh, I've tried that for three years. I went through the ringer, I've done a large amount of different things and still I needed more help. And I accept that and that's fine. That doesn't make me fucked up inside. It just means that there's something else.
Speaker 0 00:56:13 And what has being on this medication been like for you? When did you start taking it?
Speaker 2 00:56:19 I don't know, like three and a half weeks ago now. And what have you noticed? My moods are more stable.
Speaker 0 00:56:27 Funny how that works. You're taking a mood stabilizer and your mood has been stable.
Speaker 2 00:56:33 Oh. Instead of extreme highs and lows, I'm a little more even
Speaker 0 00:56:37 Talk about your Reiki healing. You've mentioned it multiple times. Can you tell me, or at least could you explain what, first of all, what Reiki healing is?
Speaker 2 00:56:50 Sure. Reiki at its very base level is a stress re tuck shunt technique that is done by placing your hands on someone else. Just channeling healing energy, essentially from a, from a higher source from the universe, um, using the positive inflow of energy to relax yourself outside of that, though, it goes much, much, much deeper than that. You can let me just do the actual disclaimer for my class. That Reiki treatments have been known to help with such things as bee stings, headaches, and other minor illnesses. Other people have also recovered from heart disease, cancer, et cetera, et cetera. So it helps with a lot of things. So the results are not guaranteed. The cool thing with Reiki though, is that it works in tandem with basically any other form of help that could be therapy that could be taking prescription drugs, whatever it may be.
Speaker 0 00:57:54 It takes a village. What'd you say?
Speaker 2 00:57:57 Oh, absolutely. And everyone's village is different.
Speaker 0 00:58:01 I like that. You own your own business now.
Speaker 2 00:58:04 Yeah. We're in the startup stage about six, seven months. All
Speaker 0 00:58:07 Right. Give me your shameless plug. Sure.
Speaker 2 00:58:09 So my business is for energy healing. I do other things besides Reiki. I use other modes, fatalities and techniques, and I work in the one-on-one zone. My specialty area is healing trauma and personal empowerment. Outside of that, I also teach Holy fire Rikea, which is a upgraded version of the traditional Usui Reiki. I teach through the ICR T, which is the international center for Reiki training. I use their books, their Louisville literatures, uh, their addendums. Uh, so that's the basis of it right now. And then I will eventually, hopefully very soon, uh, because I love to do art. I will be selling my art on shirts, which is encoded with energetic healing, frequencies, and doing other things of that sort. And I have a YouTube channel where I do free healing videos. It's called Stargate, right?
Speaker 0 00:59:10 Dark eight. Right? Here's the plug baby. Sounds like a bunch of hippy dippy bullshit. Oh, absolutely. Honestly, though. What do you say to someone that would say that to you? It sounds like a bunch of bullshit. Maybe
Speaker 2 00:59:22 You should try it before you knock. It
Speaker 0 00:59:25 Sounds like a little contempt prior to investigation. Wouldn't you say? I plead the fifth. If I F what would you like to say to the one person out there that is afraid to address their mental illness? After hearing this program, they identify with, Oh my gosh, there's a word for this. I have depression and anxiety. I have hypomanic episodes followed by extreme lulls, extreme periods of deep, deep depression. There's a word for it. What would you like to say to the one person that is afraid to get help?
Speaker 2 01:00:05 It's okay. To be afraid. There's nothing wrong with it. It's not really so much as saying something. It's, I'm going to ask that person a question is your fear worth not being free? Because for a long time, my fear was stronger than me being free until I was pushed to the point where it's either you step into this and you address this or everything, you've worked so hard for the last three years. And your sobriety is going to fucking smash and crumble and be destroyed. And outside of that too, it's why not get better. Why not? Yeah. It's scary. It's fucking scary to address these things, to even admit that, Oh my God, I have these things. And here's where the stigma part comes in is because there is so much stigma with mental illness. You're different. You're a loser, you're an outcast. You're fucked up.
Speaker 2 01:01:00 There's no hope for you. The only thing you can do is suffer the rest of your life. These things aren't fucking true. A lot of us have something. And I think the more that we talk about it, we're realizing it's common. We live in a society that is not meant for humans to thrive in of course, a lot of us, some of us, myself, I'll just talk about myself, are going to go through some shit. There's all these new factors. There's technology is running riot. We don't connect how we used to. There's constant, constant, constant stress from outside structures. And then if you on rap, COVID into the mix and self isolation, like things are going to come up. There's nothing wrong with it.
Speaker 0 01:01:45 There seems to be this influx of diagnoses of mental health disorders, such as bipolar, depression, anxiety, ADHD, PTSD, all those things. Do you think that those have always existed in these numbers and we're just now addressing them? Or do you think because of the way that life has been very lifelike over the last, I don't know. I'll throw a number out there. The last two or three decades. Do you think that's why there are so mental health diagnoses, namely the internet, social media, do you think that's jacking up the numbers?
Speaker 2 01:02:26 It's a mixture of the new way of life, but also too, because the more people step forward and the more people speak about things, the safer it is for others to then speak about things to not live in fear. You know, that's why I'm here. I'm here to talk to, I'm here to smash stigma. I'm here to pave the way for one person. And hopefully that one person paves away for another person. I think a lot of it to the older generations was you just, you either shut up or nut up. You just plow through things. You don't talk, you don't address you work hard and fucking drink alcohol. You know? No, not that, but I just think we're evolving as well. We're starting to understand the brain more, how things work. We're starting to be more open and as things advance and things come up, new things, present themselves new issues, but then also new solutions for things that we probably haven't been able to understand for a very long period of time. So there's just a whole bunch of things.
Speaker 0 01:03:34 What scares you the most about your mental health?
Speaker 2 01:03:38 That's a hard question to answer because where I'm at right now, I don't feel scared because I'm addressing it. If you go back to six, eight weeks ago, it's that I don't have any control over my life. My reactions, my emotions. And like, as I stated, like I do lots of self care. I have a very large tool kit, nothing in that kit was working. Nothing. That was terrifying. The fact that am I broken though? Am I like officially broken? Like I can't put myself back together anymore. It's fucking scary. But right now I feel pretty good with things
Speaker 0 01:04:12 You talked about earlier that your mom, in your opinion, struggles with mental illness and possible a possible mental health disorder, has she addressed it with you?
Speaker 2 01:04:23 Yeah, actually we're just speaking about a few weeks ago. There was a time, I don't know. I was like seven or eight where she actually became consciously Oh. Aware of the stuff she was doing. And she went and seen someone and got started on a medication that helped for six months and then she just stopped. And then as far as I know, she'd never addressed anything since then.
Speaker 0 01:04:46 You sound like somebody who knows starting a medication and then stopping,
Speaker 2 01:04:49 Oh, the Apple does not fall far from the tree.
Speaker 0 01:04:52 What would you like to tell her? How would you give her hope that would get her to a place to get more help for her mental health?
Speaker 2 01:05:01 Um, I just hope that you step in to your own fears about things. I hope that you take the necessary action. It's been very hard to watch you suffer my whole life. If not, for me, your granddaughter needs you in her life as the best version of you, which I know. Cause I see it is amazing. And I do love you despite everything. And I still believe in you,
Speaker 0 01:05:28 Your kids have been through a lot. Yep. As an understatement, as a fucking understatement. Do you notice any early signs of mental health disorders, any sort of mental illness with them possible disorders?
Speaker 2 01:05:47 Absolutely. And that's why we're doing everything that we are right now. You know? Um, what
Speaker 0 01:05:52 Sort of things have you noticed,
Speaker 2 01:05:55 Man? This is even harder to talk about my daughter because of the absence of her mother and you know, just for being removed from the home and everything that's happened, loss of friendships because of COVID and my daughter thrives off interaction with other people. She was seeing an individual therapist that really wasn't like doing much. We now had to step it up to a two where she meets with an in-home therapist twice a week because of my daughter who is seven, is already having suicidal ideations that she can't even understand.
Speaker 0 01:06:26 And what is suicidal ideation?
Speaker 2 01:06:29 So this is not an area that I am a specialist in at all, from my understanding and as an individual that either has thoughts of wanting to commit suicide or thinking about the action steps to get there. I'm sure there's more, but that's all that I know because luckily that is not a thing that I say.
Speaker 0 01:06:50 And what are you doing besides engaging in therapy to help your daughter
Speaker 2 01:06:55 I'm working on myself so I can show up for her so I can be both who she wants me to be and who I want to be when I'm around her, not an individual that for a week was flying off the handle. My daughter doesn't fucking need that. My daughter needs a loving, compassionate father in her life. And that's damn on what she's going to get.
Speaker 0 01:07:14 What about your stepson? Sort of throw
Speaker 2 01:07:16 Us on the record. Yes, he is my stepson, but he is my fucking son. He's got his own stuff, man. Tons of stuff. He has really bad anxiety, little worrying about the worst case scenario with things, with everything he has been through because throughout all of this, he has been even the caretaker of his sister before they came and stayed with me. We tried therapy. He's not ready to open up. And we, you know, he's 11, he's almost 12, but like me and him are very open and we have like straight up conversations and he's like, dad, I'm just not going to open up. I'm like cool, man. We tried, we hooked him up with a psych. We started him on some stuff. I obviously bring my own holistic approach into the household as well as some stuff sticks with them, some stuff doesn't, but that's fine, you know, to where we're just in this phase.
Speaker 2 01:08:04 Cause I mean, I've, I've had them for 10 months now. Uh, but where does, where does China and stuff, man? And we're now even in this really cool phase that, because we've been like doing this stuff for so long, we cut back on a lot of things that weren't working for each individual and we're getting back to some sort of normalcy. We're spending more time having fun instead of more time processing and trying to fix shit. They went back to school two weeks ago, more normalcy. We're just trying to be a family and have fun more, which I think is the best medicine right now overall. But,
Speaker 0 01:08:37 And the last piece of that nucleus, that nuclear family that you have brought together, your partner.
Speaker 2 01:08:45 Oh yes. My beautiful future wife. Michelle,
Speaker 0 01:08:49 What sort of mental health does she struggle?
Speaker 2 01:08:52 Man? She struggles with a lot. She's a fucking trooper bro. Definitely suicidal ideations. I would almost say extreme, extreme depression at some times, anxiety. She's got other stuff. Tons of PTSD that she went through as a kid was unfucking real. The fact that she's still here with us, it's just shows her resolve and shows her resilience and how fucking tough she actually is. You know? But she's also, she's doing the thing too. She's stepping in to her own fears in her own ways. She is figuring out what her program of recovery is right now. How does she provide you with hope? If she is still standing? I ain't got no reason why I shouldn't be this way. I can fucking put it, you know? Uh, and just the fact that we're still together. Like we were together while still an active addiction, we got sober together. We started recovery together. We're still together. That's the fucking hope, man. You don't hear stories about this, about two individuals who come from a deep history of trauma and use and like mental disorders and all of this that somehow stay through the thick of it and stay together and constantly are improving for themselves and each other. That's where the hope is us.
Speaker 0 01:10:12 What's your vision? What's your hope for your business?
Speaker 2 01:10:17 That I find a way to help as many people as I can through the Avenue that I do, which is now. Cause even stuff like this, like people who already follow me and are a part of the stuff I do, then they see me doing stuff like this or different stuff I do on YouTube or my Facebook it's to help people to bring a new way, a new toolbox into people's life that they didn't even know as POS
Speaker 0 01:10:44 Mental health education for children, in my opinion is necessary. It needs to happen and it needs to happen in the home and it needs to happen in the school. It needs to happen everywhere. This, this awareness, this smashing of stigma. Most of all of this education, if you were to design the education for mental health, what would that look like? When would you start educating children on mental health? It's really funny that you're
Speaker 2 01:11:14 Asking me this because I'm going to start to create children's books about stuff like this and about stuff with like my holistic approach as well. As far as when I don't know. I think that, I think I would link that up to let me go back. I actually, you can start very young. It just depends on what package you put it in. You can start Kinard garden. Oh, you're sad. It's okay. To be sad. Let me ask you some more questions that you can understand at your age or to maybe just make you feel like, Hey, it's okay to be sad and you're not a freak because you don't like these other kids, you know, you could start very, very young. I do think it's absolutely a thing, but I also think it needs to be done in a very specific way. So we don't end up. So we don't end up roar. We're raising age, gender, ration of victims.
Speaker 0 01:12:06 Who gives you the most hope Cody
Speaker 2 01:12:09 Daughter. And it's really just in her smile seeing her fucking light man, cause throughout all the shit that she's been through, her light exudes out of her. That is a thing that I also have about me. And it just shows, it just shows me that, bro, you still fucking got it man. And not to mention just, she just makes me laugh and smile. Like no one else. I can't explain it. Dude. Ark con and action is like I said, the only thing that was stronger than my addiction. But I mean outside of that, there's, there's a few really key individuals. You know, there's my wife, there's my family. I have three very close friends. You being one of them who, you just see these people and you just see them going through it and then you see their success and then you see them overcome this hurdle. And you're like, Oh shit, man. I can fucking do that too. And then when you're jumping over the hurdle, they may be falling on. You're like, bro, you just taught me how to jump over this one. I'm going to show you how to jump over this next one. Because I already had that one, three steps back. It's just the people who are in my life that I have placed there or who have placed themselves there, who know how it worked, but I've got some awesome people in my life.
Speaker 0 01:13:16 Welcome. Thank you Cody. Thank you so much for coming on the show. Smashing stigma, getting vulnerable, providing solutions, your experience, strength and hope has saved a life tonight. You're welcome. Nice. All right. Before we go away, Cody, would you like to do a sign line? I know, I know. It's, it's hard to compare yourself to mind. Let's just pretend I don't have the most amazing sign-off line ever.
Speaker 2 01:13:59 I actually stopped the episode three minutes before the end, so I don't have to hear it just so you know that.
Speaker 0 01:14:05 Well, that's not fair. Cody. What would you like your sign-off line to be for this episode of authentic? It's funny. Cause all I can think about is about how my other very close friend who was the last interview. He said, man, me and Nick had to pause for like 45 minutes in this awkward silence while I sat trying to think of mine. Yeah, I did it a lot out. And this is funny. I asked you for a sign-off line and you're just talking about somebody else. Whatever. Come on, say something profound. Your fear no longer has to be your cage and as always be good to yourselves. It is ever so important.
Speaker 1 01:14:51 Please hear
Speaker 0 01:14:52 On authentic and keeping authentic. We have to pay credit where credit is due. The musical stylings you add on today's program to kick us off. You always
Speaker 1 01:15:03 Mama, mama, mama, mama, mad, mad by muse. And then we got into <inaudible>
Speaker 0 01:15:13 At the first break. You heard riot by John waltz. And then at the second you heard heaven falls fall on me by surfaces
Speaker 1 01:15:21 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 01:15:35 Chance, the rapper, the man who has
Speaker 1 01:15:39 Everything. What ticket, the man who has everything, trying to fit myself into a schedule and a wedding ring, trying to eat everything I was raised at come across my plate. Then I better swing trying to turn Confederate flags into confetti strings. I'm trying to back up my baby mama like Kevin finally heard they got some nice ass houses out there and Beverly never leave. Where I came from. I just named me some stock is in the chimney. They can hang from photos so my kids can find out where they got their names from the Christmas cards. So gorgeous. Other families want to frame real talk. I need a front yard, a backyard, a side yard, a side yard and sidebar and a garage. I'm tired of people visiting and taking the elevator. Well, we'll keep that shit.
