Speaker 0 00:00:00 Hey you. Yeah, you, if you or someone you know, is struggling with anything mentioned on today's program, please, please, please, please, please, please email
[email protected]. That's a U T H E N I C K. The
[email protected]. I am available 24 seven three 65 to help in any way that I can. I have resources. I have open ears and open heart and tons of hope. I've been freely given all these things and would love to give them to you. Be good to yourselves and each other. Follow me on Twitter, using the handle at authen, Nick and my dog, Marla on Instagram at DJ Marla dot Jean. Before we get started today, I would like to tell you that suicide is mentioned multiple times. In this episode, if you or someone you know is going to be triggered by that, or you're struggling with suicidal ideation or you have a plan to commit suicide, please reach out, speak with a counselor today at the national suicide prevention lifeline, their number is +1 800-273-8255. That's +1 800-273-8255. Alcoholics anonymous or AA will also be mentioned multiple times. During this episode, the expressed views and opinions by the interviewee do not reflect AA as a whole, please in jaw
Speaker 1 00:01:37 My mum, my mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum. <inaudible>
Speaker 0 00:02:15 Mike check one, two Mon Mike to Jared on Mike for sibilance. Jared. Hey, hi, eye contact is very important in my life. You have some very beautiful eyes. Is that creepy out? When I greet welcome back to authen, where we breathe in stare. Oh, we've made it to my favorite segment of the show where we talk about my favorite four letter word. No, it's not. Fuck. Yeah, it is H O P E whole Jared beat me in a hope off and um, hope hoping hopeless.
Speaker 2 00:03:00 I'm hopeless,
Speaker 0 00:03:02 But I have the program of alcoholics anonymous and the 12 steps where I find Oh Nope. Jared, Nick, Jared. Jared. Yes. Ma'am what does hope mean to you?
Speaker 2 00:03:15 What does hope mean to me? Yeah, that was the question I asked you. How would I define hope easy answer would be is that there is hope that I do recover for me. I would like to say hope to me is that I hope one day I wake up and I don't think about drinking.
Speaker 0 00:03:32 Did you think about drinking when you woke up today? I did sure it is.
Speaker 2 00:03:37 Was it a bleeding thought? If I want to drink, I want to drink. I want a drink. No, but when I wake up, you know, like I said, the first thing I do is I write out a gratitude list and I do a third step prayer and this prayer of St. Francis. And that's because when I wake up, I remember that I'm an alcoholic and that I need to do things like this in order to maintain my sobriety.
Speaker 0 00:03:58 So when you get done doing those things, do you feel like
Speaker 2 00:04:02 I do not. Absolutely not funny how that works. It's really funny and strange.
Speaker 0 00:04:06 We talked a little bit about spirituality earlier in the program of alcoholics anonymous. It's suggested that we find some sort of spirituality, something to give over to something, to trust in something to have faith in. Yes. That isn't me something greater than myself, right? Because the first step is we admitted, we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable, which means that I can't manage my own life. I'm out of control. I need to believe in something that can help me. That can guide me. That is bigger than me. That can show me that I am supposed to be here. What is your power greater than yourself?
Speaker 2 00:04:52 My power greater than myself. What do you, do you have a name for it? I do not know. I'd like to say that I believe in God. Um, and why do you say you believe in God? I believe in God because I was, um, I was raised in the church. So for me a higher power, it's something that honestly is still five months into recovery. I, I struggle with coming up with something. That's a definite answer of a higher power for me. It's more of, um, it comes back to willingness, willingness to believe that there is actually something greater than me because there has to be because without it I'm fucked. So you're
Speaker 0 00:05:27 Willing to be willing to believe that there is a God. Yes. Or do you believe that there is a God
Speaker 2 00:05:33 It's, it's up in the air, to be honest with you now, it's up there. It's up there. I mean, I, you can sit here and we could have a conversation about the big bang or we can have a conversation about evolution or we could have the conversation about the fact that there's a God that put us all here. I believe that there's something out there. There just has to be. The universe is too vast for there not to be something out there. And
Speaker 0 00:05:55 What is that belief do for you? What is that faith? That there is something bigger out there. What does that do for you? It gives me hope. Wow. That was really good. Fuck you. What would you say to someone that is thinking about being sober or thinking about being in a program of recovery in AA and says, yeah, that sounds all fine and good. And I'm glad that these people can stay sober for this amount of time, but they're talking about this God thing. And we talked about in AA, they choose to use the word God, but really what they're asking you to do is just to find a spiritual program of recovery. You can call it God, you can call it whatever you want. You just have to have a faith in a power greater than yourself. What would you say to someone that struggles with the God ID?
Speaker 2 00:06:58 I was actually just talking to somebody a few weeks ago about this. She had asked me how I was doing. Um, it was just a brief catch up. And, you know, I explained that I'm in recovery and that I'm in the program of alcoholics anonymous and instantly, and she almost jumped down my throat and said, well, yeah, but all they do is preach the word of God and God, this and God that, and she had talked about it. Like it was a bunch of Bible thumpers.
Speaker 0 00:07:23 So she has this misconception that, that AA is Christian. That it's all about a Christian God.
Speaker 2 00:07:30 You know, I went on to explain to her that that is the exact, that is very far from the truth that I wouldn't say it's the opposite, but it's far from the truth. And I went on to tell her that, you know, I don't go to church. I went on to tell her that I don't know any Bible verses. Um, I went on to tell her that I don't know anything about the 10 commandments because you know, that's not what this program is about. I told her that my relationship with the God is just me praying to something. And I had pointed out that it has nothing to do with Jesus Christ or the latter day. Saints has nothing to do with the Virgin. Mary. I don't believe that Moses split the red sea, this and that. And, and I, I did a lot better job at explaining to her than I am right now, but I did my absolute best to, to tell her that it's, it's nowhere near that, that you, you don't even need to have a God per se. Like I said, you know, a lot of people are higher power is the group. A lot of people, their higher power is going to meetings. A lot of people, their higher power can be the fucking moon for all you care. You know, as long as you believe in something else, that's all that matters. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:08:36 Know, someone said to me, once that spirituality really comes down to your rituals. If you take the word spiritual and you take out the first three letters, SPI, then you're left with ritual. You know, what is your ritual? And for some people that Christianity that is going to church for some people, it's all different religions, religion is a ritual. So what is your ritual for some people? Yes, it is following the teachings of a religion for some people it's nature. Like you said, for some people, it's the group of alcoholics anonymous, maybe it's the moon. But the important thing that you are saying is that you have a ritual. Yep, absolutely. You have a faith in something. And the wonderful thing about AA is it forces me to look at the other side of things. And one thing that always ring true in my head, because I had a really hard time with organized religion, because I'm like, how can that possibly be right?
Speaker 0 00:09:39 That this is the one true religion and that religion is wrong. And this is that. And this is that AA tells me to be quick to see where religious people are, right. Mind blown. Because if I look at the religious people in my life, I see gratitude. I see devotion. I see humility, kindness, love, compassion. Those are all the things that I want. It just so happens that they follow a different ritual than me, but we're all going after the same thing. And we all believe in something bigger than ourselves. That's the common thread. And that's why I love EI because it allows me the room to pick whatever I want. AA has helped millions and millions of people recover from a hopeless state of mind and body. What about people out there that AA isn't for them? What would you tell them to do? If they're not going to AA, what would you tell them to do? Jared? I am never going to go to AA. Get it through your thick fucking skull. I'm never going to go to AA. Okay. So AA is off the table. What would you tell me to do?
Speaker 2 00:10:50 That's not a, has nothing to do. You can't do steps. Nope. No steps. Nope. No working with another alcoholic. Well, I can do that. Okay. I work with another alcoholic. What do you mean work with another alcoholic? Call me everyday and find out
Speaker 0 00:11:03 I like that. Would you say that your church you're going to church, would you say that's AA for you going to an AA meeting is like going to church for you? Would you liken it to that?
Speaker 2 00:11:13 I could say that. Yeah. Why? It's a lot of like-minded individuals who want to believe in something and who are looking for something. And within the rooms of AA, there are answers to questions that I don't even know. I need to be asking yet
Speaker 0 00:11:28 Throughout this interview, there is this pattern. I know that you recognize this pattern, but I'm going to point it out again. You kept losing and losing and losing and losing things because of your drinking and drug use over and over and over and over again. Why, why did you keep going back? What didn't you have? Why weren't you hopeful? Because you said you have hope now because you have a power greater than yourself because you have this new way of living. You had that new way of living multiple times in the past. Why didn't you have any hope then?
Speaker 2 00:12:08 Well, I think it's not that I didn't have hope then it's that I wasn't willing to do everything that I needed to do. If that makes sense. In the past, you know, moments in recovery, I wanted to believe that I've figured it out because if you were to ask me every time that I was sober in the past, is this the time it was the time, you know, I wasn't going to get at that time. I was, I wasn't going back to drinking. I didn't want to go back to drinking. I was willing to do anything, but in retrospect, I wasn't, you know, because I could admit that I was an alcoholic, but was I giving up things? Was I making sacrifices? Was I putting forth a program of action? Like there was a lot of talk in the past and there was no action this time when I say, you know, I'm hopeful is because I believe that, you know, all things through my higher power it's, nothing's out of reach for me. As long as I continue to do the right thing.
Speaker 0 00:13:06 Jared, you had multiple romantic relationships in that past, that ended ultimately because of your drinking and drug use. Yeah. What
Speaker 2 00:13:15 Would you like a series of songs? Yeah, let's
Speaker 0 00:13:17 Say though, that handful of serious ones are in a room and you're standing in front of them. What would you like to say to them?
Speaker 2 00:13:26 The easiest answer is I'm sorry, but this is actually something in working through the steps. When you get to the nine step and making a man's more or less, it's not so much that what I would say to them is what they would see in me through the program of recovery. That like the person that I am becoming and, you know, they call them living amends. I don't think there's much outside of the amends that I have to make to them. I'm more of just the action. And at that persona and the attitude change in me, the, like you had said, you know, the, the glimmer, the light in my eyes for them to see that I think would be more than enough than anything I could possibly think up to tell them. I would speak for myself without having to say anything.
Speaker 0 00:14:14 Jared, at one point in your life, you were so hope less that you had a gun to your head. Yeah. Why didn't you pull the trigger? Jared,
Speaker 2 00:14:25 I didn't want to die because you know, we keep going back to this word. I had a hope that there was, you know, another way out there. I don't know if the words irony is correct, but in those few times that I have put a gun to my head. I knew that the answer was recovery. Like I, I knew that my drinking was leading me to that point that I had to get down on my knees. I had to be willing to make some changes in my life. And the biggest one was to put the drink down and to work it.
Speaker 0 00:15:03 So it took putting a gun to your head multiple times to figure out that you just had to put the drink down and you had to take recovery seriously. Now that is in sane. That is insane. And I'm so happy that you didn't pull the trigger. I, you know, I am too. I am so happy that you were relieved of your insanity with the hope that sobriety holds. Yeah. It's the power of sobriety, those little doses of sobriety, that little seed that was planted, that there is an answer. The seed that was planted at 19 years old,
Speaker 2 00:15:47 18 years old, I knew I was an alcoholic. And at 19 hours was when, like I said, I first had at 30 years old, I'm going to get sober, but I knew, I knew I had to get fucking sober. I knew that there was no way I was going to continue to live that way and with happy and be joyous. And I have hope unless I was sober. Like with me, it's either I'm sober. I'm going to die.
Speaker 0 00:16:11 You started getting sober. When you were 19, 13 years ago, do you regret the last 13 years? Jared.
Speaker 2 00:16:18 Absolutely not. Why not? People have asked me this before? My answer is I've lived in California on the beach. I've lived in Mexico. I've been in some beautiful relationships. I've done a lot of really fun things in my life. I've taken chances. I've said, fuck. Yeah. Instead of fuck. No, there's a lot in my life that I can look back on and I can be happy about. But I also got a lot of experience now in the depths of addiction that I like myself. Absolutely not that I like what I was going through. Absolutely not. But now that I look back on it, it made me who I am. That's so fucking cliche, but who I am now today, the person that I am, I fucking loved myself and, and all the life lessons that I've learned. Like I'm, it's just going to further help me in the future to become the person I want. Cause I'm not who I want to be right now. You know, everybody has things to work on and I have a very, very long list of things that I want to fix and I want to change, but I'm like allow this opportunity now looking back at my past, like none of it was regretful. It's the only thing I think I ever regretted was smoking weed when I was in the Marine Corps. Other than that, I wouldn't take any to it. I wouldn't take anything back.
Speaker 0 00:17:33 If you hadn't gotten kicked out of the Marine Corps, where do you think you would be today?
Speaker 2 00:17:38 I would not be here. And who knows if I'd be sober, funny how that works. So, yeah, like you said, the one thing that I still hold on to, you know, the one mistake, but otherwise I, I, my life has been, uh, an absolute fucking mess at times. You know, again, it, it has made me exactly who I am today and I can look in the mirror and I actually liked myself.
Speaker 0 00:17:59 Jared, what scares you the most about your sobriety or about sobriety in general?
Speaker 2 00:18:05 I think the only thing I'm worried about is that I won't have these out of the world experiences in life. Like I did in my drinking days.
Speaker 0 00:18:15 Was it really out of the world? Was it really that great?
Speaker 2 00:18:19 Yes and no, I was, I was like, ah, God, I want to answer my own question. Um, that's a, that's a yes and no, you know, because there was a lot of struggles, but there was, there's a lot of, a lot of opportunities that were there because of my drinking. Like it was,
Speaker 0 00:18:36 I will tell you that as a person that has been sober for, what do we got here three years, 11 months and uh, 19 days. Wow. As someone that's been sober that long, which isn't that long, but someone who's been sober for three years and change, not those out of the world experiences, they happen. And guess what they've already happened to you. You just don't see it yet. And that's what I realized after six months, sober nine months sober a year sober, I look back and I'm like, Holy shit. That is out of this world three years later, it look at how far I've come. This is unbelievable. And a lot of folks, it's funny. I love it. When people say this, they say, when you first get sober or you're a few months in whatever, write down a list of your short-term and your long-term goals over the next five years, make it on a little piece of paper and put it somewhere where you're not going to lose it.
Speaker 0 00:19:38 And then after five years, take that out and look at it. And every single time people short change the fuck out of themselves. And that is because the miracle of sobriety, the clarity of mind and the hope puts all that other shit to rest. And the beautiful thing is, is that I get to experience it first and then recognize and acknowledge the power of it later. That's the hard thing about sobriety is that I don't get the instant gratification that I used to get from drinking and drugging. But I will tell you this, the hindsight look back out of this world experience is much more worth it. The payoff is much larger and it's not trying to kill me. All it does is enhance my life and enhance the lives of the people around me
Speaker 2 00:20:27 To piggyback off of that. I say, I'm worried about not being able to have, you know, those Holy shit moments in life. I would trade those no for in five short months. What I have right now, my first apartment, I'm 32 years old, Nick, 32 years old. And I have my first apartment ever had in my entire life by myself. I have a vehicle in my name for the first time. In 13 fucking years, I'm looking at becoming a business partner with somebody next year. I'm doing more things in this short five months than I've done in 14 years as an adult,
Speaker 0 00:21:06 Jared, those are out of this world experience out
Speaker 2 00:21:08 Of this world experiences. Wow. Foot, neat mouth.
Speaker 0 00:21:14 Well, you just foiled yourself, but a good foil, a nice hearty warm foil, like a baked potato, fully loaded, fully loaded baked potato, Jared, you had a gun to your head. You didn't pull the trigger. Why aren't you? One of those statistics that did pull the trigger. Why not? You, you, you had a fucking gun to your head, a loaded gun to your head, but you didn't pull the trigger. So why not? You? What makes you so fucking?
Speaker 2 00:21:45 I don't think it was my time. You know, since all that happened, I, I haven't processed that yet. I really haven't. I did some soul searching after that and you know, I still went back out and continued to drink like that. Wasn't it. Wasn't gone to my head, got sober. I'm sitting in this seat now and there was still some more experimentation out there. There was still some more drink and there was still some more drugging in between then and now. But it just wasn't my time. Like that's, that's it. And that's the best answer I can give you. It's a good answer.
Speaker 0 00:22:16 You're welcome. Fine. Thanks.
Speaker 2 00:22:20 Okay. That's fine. Thanks. I'm fine. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks for asking <inaudible> camper. Yeah. Yeah. What would you like
Speaker 0 00:22:30 To say to your mom?
Speaker 2 00:22:35 I wouldn't be the person I am today. If it wasn't for you. And I'm extremely grateful for that. I'm extremely grateful that I had you as a mom or the most important person to me in this world. I fucking love you. And I'm sorry for saying fuck so many times on this, but I fucking love you. Yeah.
Speaker 0 00:22:52 Yeah. What would you like to say to your biological mother? We
Speaker 2 00:22:55 Do recover and
Speaker 0 00:22:57 A very wise woman in my life told me once when I was lost who I was, why I was how I was. She said to me, one very simple phrase. She said, Nick, you are who you say you are today. Jared, who are you today?
Speaker 2 00:23:25 That's a deep question, Nick. I'm a recovering alcoholic with my whole life ahead of me because of this program and because of the fellowship and because of a higher power. And because I have fucking hope,
Speaker 0 00:23:41 Jared, what do you want your legacy as a human being be when you're dead and gone, what do you want your legacy?
Speaker 2 00:23:49 I want to be known as a guy who had an abundance of compassion. Somebody who cared for everybody, somebody who is trusted, somebody, you could believe in somebody who you could look to for guidance. Just want to be known as a decent, genuine, and a good human being.
Speaker 0 00:24:06 What do you want to say to the person that has a gun too
Speaker 2 00:24:10 Head I've been there? I've been in that, that dark, dark spot where it seems like there's absolutely no and insight and that there's nothing to live for. I've been there. It's lonely. It's dark. It's sad, but there's, it sounds so cliche, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just got to keep pushing through. You just got to believe that you're here for a reason. You have a reason to be alive. There's people who love you. People who care about you, who will do anything for you. Pick up that phone, reach out to somebody, find a meeting, go in there, open up, be willing, be honest. And people grab you with open arms and they will show you the fucking way live to fight. Another day.
Speaker 0 00:25:03 You said earlier that suicide, you referred to suicide as a selfish act selfishness. Yes. What do you think about it now? Is it,
Speaker 2 00:25:17 I understand why people want to commit suicide. Selfish may not be the right word, but it's not solving anything.
Speaker 0 00:25:27 Jared, you shared the solution tonight, your solution, the solution that was so freely given to you and in turn you so freely, give it away. So thank you, your eloquence, your vulnerability, your honesty and humility. It's pretty amazing. And I'm grateful and proud to have you as a friend. And it is my hope that neither of us have a drink the rest of today. And I think, I think by doing this program, we're going to be okay. And we'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Jared. Thanks.
Speaker 2 00:26:19 Thank you. Thank you for having me, Nick.
Speaker 0 00:26:22 It's been a pleasure. All right. Now we get to have some fun now. I mean, this was totally fun. Wasn't it? I have some of them. Are you being sarcastic?
Speaker 2 00:26:34 Um, would you call this fun? I would have fun. I would call this a fun fun. F U N
Speaker 0 00:26:44 O. Caught that one. Fuck you too. All right, Jared. Now it's time for fun. You've heard my program before, correct? Yeah. Have you listened to it all the way to the end? No. I got a little secret for you. I have the best sign offline in the world. Can't be matched, but I'm going to give you an opportunity to do so. This is your program. This is your show. What do you want your sign offline to be hit me with it.
Speaker 2 00:27:14 Uh, mounted pressure. You just put on me. That's what she said. I really don't know. I hate to do this to you, Nick. You're not doing anything to me. I don't understand what's going on here. A sign offline and I'm the one to sign off finance. Oh, I'm assuming it's like goodnight and good luck. And I didn't give up, but yeah.
Speaker 0 00:27:30 Well do you want to know mine? Okay. Mine is be good to yourselves. It's important. That's it? And it's the best, but I want you to try and, uh, try and match that. What phrase are you living by today? Well, let's try a little exercise. Okay. You're going to say a quick prayer right now to your higher power. I want you to say that prayer out loud. You got to start praying out.
Speaker 2 00:27:57 I don't even know when I'd be praying about right now. Maybe it's God. I don't know what to pray for God. I don't know what to pray for right now. God, I don't know what a quick sign off is for me. This is that part of, um, you remember how I said in the beginning? I cameras. There's no cameras. I know there's no cameras, but there's this, this now it's, it's a mental thing. It's an added like pressure pressure that I'm not very good under when there's a microphone. It's there's no, there's no pressure. Very critical. It's me being very critical of myself. Trying to think of something like
Speaker 0 00:28:28 Hope for when you're thinking negatively of yourself, what do you think would help?
Speaker 2 00:28:32 What would help me right now? I like to be relieved of this, like feeling that I get when I get to this point and I feel like there's this pressure building up and I can't fucking think and flustered
Speaker 0 00:28:45 And that's okay. That's a normal human reaction to a question of a great magnitude, but it's not really. Mine's pretty simple. It's be good to yourselves. It's important something my grandpa used to say, it's not really that good, but it, it speaks to me. You have a son and he's really fucking hard on himself and you can see yourself in him just fucking beaten himself up. What do you say to that little boy?
Speaker 2 00:29:17 Get out of your own way and watch the miracles happen.
Speaker 0 00:29:20 Say that into the fucking microphone.
Speaker 2 00:29:22 Get out of your own way and watch the miracles happen.
Speaker 0 00:29:25 And as always be good to yourselves, it is ever so important. Always here on authentic and keeping authentic. We have to pay credit where credit is due. That means the code stylings you EDD on today, bro. Graham to kick us off. You always hear mama, mama, mama, mama, mad madness by muse and <inaudible>
Speaker 3 00:29:57 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 00:30:01 Jared's final jam, little mercy by Doomtree.
Speaker 3 00:30:26 Don't get to the bottom of week when it's needed. Not laying there to Phoenix. We draw our <inaudible> from the bottom, from the bottom of the barrel down, but there's a whole phone down. If you need to be shown Brown and broke on back stacking bricks, you'll never know just <inaudible> thirsty. We just make a little money. <inaudible>.
