Speaker 0 00:00:00 Hey you. Yeah,
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Speaker 0 00:00:43 Authen, Nick and my
Speaker 1 00:00:45 Dog, Marla on Instagram at DJ Marla dot Jean. During today's program, you will hear a mentioned multiple times, the individual expressing their thoughts and opinions do not reflect AA or Alanon as a whole. Please enjoy the FCC. Won't let me be your, let me be meet. So let me see. I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the artists, whose music I used in season one. So now you
Speaker 0 00:01:16 Get to hear me
Speaker 1 00:01:17 Saying it's going to be real good.
Speaker 0 00:01:34 Bye Paul . I am a drug addict to eating disorder. Come . We aim to bring all the stigma to educate you. Xperience Strang and cause this is
Speaker 4 00:03:06 and boots and cats. I'm trying to
Speaker 1 00:03:18 Duck and Dodge and
Speaker 4 00:03:18 Dr. Dodge, duck and Dodge boots,
Speaker 1 00:03:22 Cats, cats, and cats and boots and cats and boots and kids pets cats.
Speaker 4 00:03:29 Okay. We've arrived.
Speaker 1 00:03:34 Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome. Welcome, welcome, welcome. Welcome to the show. My name is Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons. Vanden Hable, but most people just call me Nick. And this is my show. this is my fucking intro bitch. And with me as always is my dog Marla
Speaker 5 00:04:11 Bang, bang church. You're trying. Come on author. Do your thing. Boom, boom, boom, boom.
Speaker 1 00:04:18 Ooh. All right. That's that's enough. Marla, go back to practicing your high school cheerleading competition song. Anyway, here on authentic, where we get authentic, we talk about all things recovery. What do I mean by that? All things recovery. Well, what I mean by that is if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you yes are in recovery from something. As for myself, I am in recovery from alcoholism. I am an alcoholic. I'm also a drug addict. I have an eating disorder. I'm a compulsive gambler. I bipolar disorder. Really the list could go on and on and on. Luckily for you, the show is not about me. It is about two people. First is my guest, Molly, who will be sharing her experience, strength and hope. This evening. Second is the one person whose life Molly will most certainly save here tonight by giving her testimony because the whole point of this show is to let people know that you are not alone. We are here to smash stigma. We are here to bring to light the things that nobody wants to talk about. And we'll have a little fun along the way with that fiddly again, Molly, welcome to the show, babe.
Speaker 4 00:05:44 Thanks so much, man. Yeah, you're
Speaker 1 00:05:45 Welcome. Yeah. Would you like to introduce yourself? Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 4 00:05:51 My name is Molly and I'm a recovering addict or an addict in recovery. And for me that means that I have not felt the, well, I felt some need, but I haven't felt the absolute need to pick up since October, 1981. And that means I got sober when I was six months old. Yeah.
Speaker 1 00:06:14 Yeah. That math doesn't really work.
Speaker 4 00:06:17 I don't know. Does it work? Let's just pretend. Okay. All right. I'm not, I'm not an aid shamer but I'm, I'm pretty sure I'm probably close to one of the eldest people you've had in this studio a long time.
Speaker 1 00:06:28 Yes. Like, like an elder, like an elder, like an elder statesman. Yeah. Sounds good. Like a Jehovah witness. Elder. Molly. This was elder Molly. And she'll be reading to you from this leather-bound book today. I thought that
Speaker 4 00:06:42 Was like brother,
Speaker 1 00:06:43 Brother, and sister. Well there's brother and then there's elder. Oh, you know, way too much about this. Yes I do. I have known many, a Jehovah witness on the Milwaukee city bus. Oh, we got into it because I was shit phase and they wanted to serve Marshall. They wanted to save me so hard.
Speaker 4 00:07:06 You know, you knew it was coming when the job has came for yet. You knew that something had,
Speaker 1 00:07:12 Yeah, my mom is pretty much at Jehovah, so I've had it. No, she's not. She's a lovely, lovely, very devout Catholic woman.
Speaker 4 00:07:21 Okay. Same thing.
Speaker 1 00:07:24 I'm kidding. So now my mom is going to hate both of my sober moms. No, she doesn't hate, she doesn't hate any of my sober moms. Actually here. Let's give you a little backstory here. Folk. My parents just came to visit me here in Minneapolis from Milwaukee, which is Algonquin for the good land. My mother is of a certain political influence. And one of my sober moms is of the completely opposite political influence. And they got into it, man. Ooh, it was real uncomfortable. It was so uncomfortable. And then I had to turn into like a little five-year-old at the table. Dad, can you please stop? Don't feel good. And they stopped. And it was just awkward. You know,
Speaker 4 00:08:15 Hilarious. Part of that story though, is that you told everyone in your life, you prepped everybody else. The most liberal left leaning person, you know, that was on purpose.
Speaker 1 00:08:32 Ben. It might've, it might've been like subliminal. Anyway. Anyway, I'm the ride home. I was giving my parents a ride back to their hotel. I pried a little bit. I said, you know what, mom, I'm sorry that I didn't tell you that. Some of my friends are very passionate about their political views and they don't align with yours. And the same goes for my friend that has the opposite political views of my mom. I didn't tell either of them, which was not wise on my part in hindsight, not wise at all.
Speaker 4 00:09:04 Especially like what? I don't know, four days after her main election.
Speaker 1 00:09:08 Yeah, that probably wasn't good. It probably wasn't good. I'm not perfect. I practice progress, not perfection. Anyway, my mom pipes up from the back seat and she says, you know what, Nick, my mom kind of sounds like that. You know what, Nick, she sounds more like that. You know what, Nick, there it is. Okay. You got it. You know what, Nick what's that mom, I have so many liberal friends. Oh. And we do not agree. We just do not agree on those things. I still love them. Oh,
Speaker 4 00:09:38 That's so
Speaker 1 00:09:38 Sweet. And she said, I love your sober mom, Nora, I'm dead serious. That is so sweet because I don't even know what my friend had said to my mom. My mom had this response and I could hear it from like across, across the way. And my mom was like, that is such a nice compliment. Thank you. Oh my God. I'm assuming my friend said something nice about me. All right. Enough about my friends and my mom. We're here to talk about you damn neck.
Speaker 4 00:10:08 Yeah. I am one of the sober moms though for you. So In the link, I'm in a loop.
Speaker 1 00:10:14 It is a Foxy mama minus the mama. That's right. Well, she's a
Speaker 4 00:10:20 Doc mama, uh,
Speaker 1 00:10:21 For a baby mama for a baby mama. No,
Speaker 4 00:10:24 No WHAS, no sleepless nights. No looking like a Haggard. Hag. When I walk into work.
Speaker 1 00:10:30 Oh look phenomenal. By the way, men, if you're looking for a single vivacious, babe, that rides a motorcycle,
Speaker 4 00:10:39 Not a Harley, not a Harley sport bikes.
Speaker 1 00:10:42 Okay. Sport bikes, please. At this point, you can't be picky and choosy. Okay. You can be Harley guys. You can come here. Come after my mom.
Speaker 4 00:10:52 Just from, come in dress like a pirate.
Speaker 1 00:10:54 No, no pirates here. Pirates. Take it easy on the leather. Take it easy. At least out in the world. That's
Speaker 4 00:11:02 Right. Thank you. She's a frequent
Speaker 1 00:11:04 Queen. The sheets
Speaker 4 00:11:08 Disgusting.
Speaker 1 00:11:09 Oh God. All right, Molly. Let's get right into it. Since we're already 10 minutes in Molly, why are you sitting across from me in studio one this evening?
Speaker 4 00:11:21 'cause I love you, Nick. And I love your show and I've become a real follower. I listened to every single interview and I have promoted this everywhere I go, because I think it's a really important thing that you do. Are you a groupie?
Speaker 1 00:11:39 Okay. Can you move a little closer to the microphone and pretend like you're a groupie?
Speaker 4 00:11:45 Um, hi. How's that? I don't know. Can you hear me? Okay? Is that really okay?
Speaker 1 00:11:50 How's this that's
Speaker 4 00:11:51 Much better. Oh my goodness. So much adjustment.
Speaker 1 00:11:54 Yeah. How about you point it right at your right at your mouth.
Speaker 4 00:11:58 Okay. Cause then you're going to hear me breathe.
Speaker 1 00:12:00 No, that's okay. That's I'm a master editor now.
Speaker 4 00:12:03 Okay, good. Yeah. Just don't speed us up. Like you do to all the others.
Speaker 1 00:12:07 What do you mean? Speed us up. Well, yeah. Would you rather hear them breathing? No. Would you rather hear them say and um, and um, 15,000 times. Gotcha. Okay, Molly. Now, if you could tell me one more time into the microphone. Why are you here across from me at studio one tonight? Because
Speaker 4 00:12:29 I love you Nick, and I love your show. And I think what you're doing with this is really cool. And I think it's helping other people hoping to be one little part of that,
Speaker 1 00:12:39 One large part of that. And you've already been one large part of my life. Yes. Not just a large part of recovery as a whole, but specifically to me. So thank you for being here tonight. All right. Let's start from the very beginning. You know the drill because you've heard my show before. We're going to talk about experience strengthen. Oh, hope. Mm Hm. We should start an acapella.
Speaker 4 00:13:06 I was going to harmonize and then I didn't realize that we were both whatever
Speaker 1 00:13:10 Would we would we call our, our, our group a AA acapella, acapella, ah, Capella to,
Speaker 4 00:13:22 Oh Jesus.
Speaker 1 00:13:24 I didn't say it. Wasn't cheeky. Cheesy
Speaker 4 00:13:28 Cheeky. Cheesy cheeky.
Speaker 1 00:13:30 Okay. Thank you. You must agree with me. This is Mike dammit.
Speaker 4 00:13:34 It's your studio, dude.
Speaker 1 00:13:36 It is. Let's start from the very beginning. You are in recovery from drugs and alcohol. You were a drug addict and an alcoholic. Let me rephrase that. You are a drug addict and an alcoholic, but you are one in recovery. Yes. Let's go back to them
Speaker 4 00:13:55 Beginning in 1893.
Speaker 1 00:13:59 Really fucking old.
Speaker 4 00:14:01 I'm really bad at math. It makes me cry. So I'm just trying to like make it sound like I'm younger, but that's yeah. That's a little way too far back.
Speaker 1 00:14:09 Yeah. So instead of riding a motorcycle, maybe you'd be riding one of those really big wheels in the front and really small wheels in the back and area here.
Speaker 4 00:14:18 Molly's fucking okay. You got to cut this bit out right here. Can you ride sports
Speaker 1 00:14:24 Bikes? Give me my sport bike, man.
Speaker 4 00:14:27 Oh dude. You're freaking me out. Oh my God. So
Speaker 1 00:14:30 Take your, check it off.
Speaker 4 00:14:32 It's getting hot. So take off.
Speaker 1 00:14:35 Oh yeah. I'm going to leave my non if that's okay. That would make our relationship
Speaker 4 00:14:39 Very awkward. Very, very
Speaker 1 00:14:42 Awkward. Okay. Okay. That's better. What do you remember from your early childhood? That didn't seem
Speaker 4 00:14:51 Right. It started, I believe my use started because of some bullying that was taking place. So I was really big into the performing arts and I was in semi-professional theater until about the age of 11, 12. And then I got into professional theater. I was in performing arts and I was getting out of a lot of school because I was in the, these plays and stuff in the, you know, the rehearsals that go until two in the morning and all that kind of stuff. So I wasn't always at homeroom and I was always a really good student. And then we switched schools and I went to this really snotty little, you know, I was always in the private Catholic schools, but there's like the Irish Catholic ghetto schools. And then there's a really snotty Irish Catholic schools. And so I went from kind of a really cool down to earth, one to a really snotty one.
Speaker 4 00:15:39 And they were like two years ahead in science and math and you know, math makes me cry. So I went from being a straight a student to basically CS. So that was a hit on the self-esteem then all the little snotty brats that were there, you know, in the fourth grade, it's hard to simulate when you know, everybody's grown up together. What's this performing art shit, right? They were like, who is this freak? I mean, they didn't know anything about performing arts at all. They'd never had anybody in their class, certainly that was missing school because of it. So they decided to chase me home every day. There were probably 12 girls that would do this and they'd chase me all the way home and in the middle of a parking lot, they'd like steal my hat that my grandma had knitted for me and they'd hold it over a muddy puddle and they'd be like saying for, and I'd have to fucking sing so that I could get my grandma's hat back.
Speaker 4 00:16:31 And it was just traumatizing that escalated because of course I didn't tell anybody, I didn't tell any of my adults that this was happening because you know, when you're bullied as a kid, you kind of feel like you deserve it in a way you just kind of like, oh, okay, maybe this, this is, you know, maybe my being in theater is really freaky. You know, maybe that's just, I deserve to be, to get the shit kicked out of me. So anyway, it escalated. So then they had a couple of their brothers join in on the chasing and then the rocks were being whipped at me and it was just horrible, you know? And I dealt with that for like two years. I finally was warned at the old, they called me a goody two-shoes because I didn't smoke. I didn't drink. You know, I'm in the fourth grade, you know, two shoes.
Speaker 4 00:17:11 Thank you. And they were good Eve. It was just like, what the, what the hell? So I guess I caved. And at that point I was like, oh, you want to see me be a bad girl? Okay. I'll be worse than any of y'all. And so that's when I started, started with the dreaded cigarettes started, I picked up the cigarettes and then pretty soon I was, we were going to parents' houses and we were stealing their liquor and it never really did anything for me. So that's when I got into smoking pot, which to this day 39 years later is the hardest thing for me to still just completely have out of my mind. It's the one thing like during this election, when I was super stressed out, it actually flashed 39 years later. Like, God, it'd be great to smoke a joint right now,
Speaker 1 00:17:53 Almost 40 years later when you haven't picked up a drug, namely pot, you haven't smoked pot. You'll 40 years, 40 years and you smell it and you're
Speaker 4 00:18:04 Oh yeah. Just let me chill the fuck out. You know, it's just,
Speaker 1 00:18:07 It doesn't give you that. A lot of people when, when they think about drinking, they think about that immense. Yup. I can finally calm down. I can unwind. I can stop worrying. Is that checkout, was that the experience you had with
Speaker 4 00:18:26 Check out? Just not even, you don't think you don't feel, you don't worry, you just check the fuck out. And ultimately I think I started picking up because I could not deal with the emotion of being bullied. I could not deal with the consequences of it. I didn't know how to deal. I wasn't adult enough to know that there were people around that could protect me from that. I thought they would just make it worse. And so yeah, I was doing it to check the fuck out.
Speaker 1 00:18:51 You said you went from being a goody two shoes to trying to be an ultimately quote, unquote being a fucking bad ass. The baddest kid in school, not everyone has that experience. It's that black and white thinking that so many addicts have it's either. I am the absolute best top tier creme de LA creme, or I am lower than dirt. I am the dirt beneath the dirt. That's beneath the dirt.
Speaker 4 00:19:25 I wanted to scare them more than they were scaring me. And that's all I can remember. I want you to be afraid to come after me. And so then I started stealing cars and it was because at the time I just wanted to get away again like pot, you know, I just wanted to get away. I wanted them to leave me alone and I wanted to be independent. I have a fierce, independent streak. So I think that's when it really started to come out. I think it had something to do with hormones too, but I don't know why I just started stealing cars. So it starts with parents, friends, cars at two in the morning, you know, you're, you're rolling it down the driveway really quick. And they start the engine like a half a block away. And you're like free riding at 14 years old. And you're like, it's two in the morning. And you're with your best girlfriend. You're like, yeah, this is awesome. We had no idea how to drive. I mean, I knew how to go straight. I knew how to put the brakes on, but I didn't know any of the rules of the road. So I'm surprised it took me as long as it did for me to get caught. But once I did, it was in the papers. It was great.
Speaker 4 00:20:25 And it was my uncle Jack, who was superintendent of Catholic schools and a priest. And it was great for him too. I'm sure you love that. Oh,
Speaker 1 00:20:33 Or guy what came after stealing cars?
Speaker 4 00:20:37 Okay. So the booze wasn't doing it for me. I knew that right away. It just didn't have the effect on me. It seemed to have on my friends, like they could get real goofy, really fast and I'd have to drink like two or three times what they were drinking to feel anything. It was just a really strange thing. And I kept going, why isn't this working? Why isn't this working and drugs did it. So I went straight from pot, of course, to the, you know, the pill taking best bud and I w your other mom, we were in high school together. And we go to her grandma's room, poor grandma. And she had so many pill bottles and so many prescriptions and Nora didn't know what the hell it was. And she'd just take a handful of everything and we'd go off and take them. They're probably like fricking lacks that it was rolling.
Speaker 1 00:21:19 Oh God, this painkiller really made me shit. My pants. I thought they were supposed to do the opposite. I heard of people being real constipated on these things. I can't just can't stop shitting.
Speaker 4 00:21:31 No, I mean, we did. I don't know. I mean, I just, I don't we'd take shit half the time. I'd be like, okay, we didn't feel anything. Probably just like high blood pressure.
Speaker 1 00:21:39 And that's the thing is that it didn't matter so much. It mattered. It was the act. It was that this is what we are going to do. We are going to do something that we are not supposed to do. We're going to steal the shit. Let's fucking feel something other than what we're feeling. When, when did you start getting into pills? At what age were you?
Speaker 4 00:21:59 16. 15, 15, 16. Yeah. Pretty quick.
Speaker 1 00:22:03 That progressed very quickly for you. It's also a Testament to what you were knocking off the list right away for shit. That didn't work. You were not wasting any time. Yeah.
Speaker 4 00:22:13 I was not there to just like, you know, get a small buzz on. I was there to get high. I wanted to know my out clearly. So that really changed my family life because I kind of turned into, you know, the monster at home. What did that look like? It was horrible because my mom and I were really, really close my entire childhood. And I was like her little mini me by the time I started to use, you know, she's very instinctive and she could, you know, I think most mothers are, and she could really pick up something was different. And the more I would try to break away from her, the more she tried to cling onto me, which made it even worse. And at one point she said, whenever you walk out of the house, I will pray to God that you, well, she told me this later, but I would pray to God that you would end up in as a paraplegic so that you could at least take care of you and keep you alive because you were walking out the door everyday trying to kill yourself.
Speaker 4 00:23:05 So she knew that early on, and then physically, she would try to stop me. It got to the point where it was physically. She tried to stop me. And then at that point I'd be fighting back. And before I knew it, we were in big, big physical battles and it became very abusive at home. Then as far as I was concerned, you know, cause she wouldn't let me use, but still it was still like being bullied at home. And then being bullied at school is what it felt like. So I really had nowhere safe to be and because I was so damn determined to use, finally, I just went, she had my brother's hot wheel tracks and you got a pair of shorts on and somebody coming after you with some hot wheel drags, you're going to get some marks all over your legs. And so I had the common sense to go to school.
Speaker 4 00:23:43 The next day, drop my trout in the nurse's office and said, Hey, I'm getting beat at home. I want to go to foster care. And so I did, and that was really, really hard on the family. Um, I think my dad might've actually just disowned me at that point. Just said, I give up, you know, I give up, I don't know what's wrong with her, but I, I can't handle her at all. So I was in foster care for, uh, two years. Talk about being a tough girl. I had to go from private Catholic school, goody two-shoes to the hard girl in the corner with a black eyeliner. She says Christ. I became the girl that I wanted. You know, that you would not want to fuck with it. Wasn't me on the inside on the inside, I was still scared shitless. The drugs really help numb all that out too.
Speaker 4 00:24:29 I think horrible experience, uh, would not recommend foster care for anyone that has a choice. A lot of really sad kids in that environment two years was long enough. And then I came crawling back home. And at that point, some other shit started to fall apart in my life, all the professional theater stuff and all that started to really go downhill. I was dating someone that was 27. I was 16. And you know, he a vice president of travel agencies. So we'd be traveling all over the world and he didn't know it, but he's smuggling back Coke. Thank God. He's now putting it in my luggage. You know, but I mean, he's, you know, risking my life too. And he was also a junkie, uh, like once every six months he would stick a needle in his arms. And I thank God. I'm terrified of needles. I never partook in that, but he taught me how to freebase, you know, smoke cocaine. And that was fucking awesome Until you find yourself in a corner,
Speaker 1 00:25:28 It's super awesome until nobody would fucking do it. If it didn't make them feel awesome, it wasn't always fucking horrendous and heart-wrenching and all these things unbearable. It wasn't always that way. However, it's the nature of the beast. That's where it inevitably goes every fucking time. Every single time I've never met anybody that has been able to freebase their entire lifetime.
Speaker 4 00:26:00 Um, just socially freebasing over here. Don't worry
Speaker 1 00:26:02 About it. I've never heard of the social freebase or, I mean, maybe they exist out there, but I have never fucking that one,
Speaker 4 00:26:09 Neither. Isn't that funny? Yeah. There's always a consequence. And once the consequences start coming down, that's kind of, when you know, you got a problem. People
Speaker 1 00:26:18 You've been sober for 39 years. Yep. How could you possibly quit? How could you possibly know that you're an addict or an alcoholic? How could you possibly know that at that young of an age?
Speaker 4 00:26:31 You know, when you're down as low as you've ever been and your life went from really great to fucking six feet underground within four years, you just, you know, that there's a problem, but I will not say that I knew because I was not sophisticated enough to figure all that out. I just knew that I had consequences coming down on me all over the place. I mean, I went and saw the dead boys, Iggy pop and the dead boys, a Duffy is back then. And you know, I fucking found myself on a bus halfway to New York city with the dead boys. Like I'd said, I was in love and this was going to be my future until I fucking came down and was like, where are we? We're in Wichita. Let me the fuck off this book. I have a matinee I'm supposed to be in a children's theater company right now.
Speaker 4 00:27:15 What the fuck? All those kinds of consequences started coming down and you can't miss, you know, if you're fucking card carrying member, you don't miss a production. You just don't, you can be sick as a dog and you're still performing, you know? So that came to a crashing halt. And I mean, I was one of 500 kids that got accepted to that school at that time. And I was gone. The director said, I don't trust her in front of a camera. We were taking a tour over to the far east. It's going to be on camera. It's going to be on television. She's my number one pick. But I don't trust her in front of a camera. Cause I don't know how she's going to show up that day. So he kicked me out. So I'm 18 at this point, all I've done is studied ballet, vocal arts and performing arts.
Speaker 4 00:27:56 All I've done up to that point was that was my whole fucking life. Not to mention all the money that my parents had put into it and boom gone. And I have not stepped foot on the stage since. I mean, that's how traumatic it was for me, but it was gone. And so I knew when all that came crashing down and I'd spent some time in juvenile prison and you know, from childhood shoplifting, you know, God, whatever. And I just knew at that point that there was a problem, but I didn't realize the problem was drugs. I just thought it was a behavior problem. What behaviors were the problems? What, what needed fixing at that point? I was too independent. I wanted to be two independent. The stealing of the cars, the driving shoplifting that, you know, I just, I, I thought I was just a juvenile delinquent and I didn't know why I didn't put, I didn't put together that the drugs had anything to do with it.
Speaker 4 00:28:48 You know, you're 18. You don't have necessarily, I didn't have that kind of sophistication at that point. Anyone ever tell you that? No, no, no. Uh, and it was my mother who basically took me by both ears, dragging, kicking, and screaming and Hazeldon outpatient, which was downtown Minneapolis at that time cross from itchy, Bon steakhouse, fricking office building. And I was the youngest kid there, but I was filled in a room with a compulsive gambler, a compulsive overeater. There was a pill pop in like suburban woman. There was a hardcore alcoholic who was in his thirties. He looked like he was 60. And there was me this little punk rock, you know, fricking drug head. Like, why the fuck am I here? You're the people with the problems. And it was the best thing that could have happened because I saw what my addiction turn into.
Speaker 4 00:29:42 I looked around that table and thought, what do you mean? Gambling's a fucking, what do you mean? That's an addiction. The guy had fucking gambled his wife into prostitution and she didn't know it. You tell that to an 18 year old kid who thinks they're hard and knows the world and your eyes are like as big as two golf balls and you're going, what the fuck? You know, like in the, in the guy with the overeating problem. And then I just was like, I saw my addiction around that table and it was the best thing they could have done for me. It didn't stick. I was still, you know, I picked the IDs for my higher power. I was still a punk, you know, but in the three months that I was sober after outpatient, I had made friends with all these other crazy fucking kids. They were all hanging out at the uptown club and we were all going to the candlelight meeting and there had to be 120 of us and we just had a blast. So
Speaker 1 00:30:31 You were going to a meeting. What kind of meeting were you going to
Speaker 4 00:30:34 An AA meeting? Because back then there weren't a lot of N a meetings. There were like three in the twin
Speaker 1 00:30:40 Cities and N a
Speaker 4 00:30:42 Narcotics anonymous. Okay. And so I did try that and I really liked it, but again, there weren't enough around and all my friends that I just met that were sober, we're all going to AA.
Speaker 1 00:30:53 The thing where there any other alternatives that you heard of people doing
Speaker 4 00:30:58 Just Alanon and there was some team meetings, I think it was called Alateen.
Speaker 1 00:31:02 And what is Alanon
Speaker 4 00:31:04 Alanon is for those that are the support system or the loved ones of someone that is struggling or is in recovery from addiction of, of
Speaker 1 00:31:13 Alcohol or drugs and Alateen for, for the
Speaker 4 00:31:16 Kids of the parents that might be having a
Speaker 1 00:31:19 Problem. And I believe there's also an Alec taught,
Speaker 4 00:31:22 Oh, I that wasn't around back then, but it is.
Speaker 1 00:31:25 Oh, wow. It is. No, yeah. It's, it's a thing that's heavy. It is most definitely a thing. Allah tot is a thing for children that young, which I think is great. I think that's amazing.
Speaker 4 00:31:36 I'm just thinking through the whole process of how does the top get there? I mean, the, does the alcoholic mother and father drag they're
Speaker 1 00:31:42 Taught to say, well, maybe the non-alcohol
Speaker 4 00:31:45 My kid has a problem with my drinking,
Speaker 1 00:31:48 The caregiver, or maybe the one that's not an addict or alcoholic,
Speaker 4 00:31:53 You can have that. It
Speaker 1 00:31:55 Is possible to have one that is in one that is not Molly. Not everyone's a fucking alcoholic. God, what's up with you in your black and white
Speaker 4 00:32:02 Thinking. Oh, I know. It's so
Speaker 1 00:32:04 Sad. You were sober for three months after going to that outpatient. Hazeldon what happened? Why was it only three months?
Speaker 4 00:32:13 There was a reason. I mean, first of all, you know, I, as, as a punk, I, you know, God save the queen and her fascist regime. I did not believe in all this higher power bullshit. You know, don't give me your steps and tell me what to do. I'm different. I'm terminally unique, you know, all that
Speaker 1 00:32:30 Bullshit. Can you explain to me real quick, what you mean by that?
Speaker 4 00:32:33 Oftentimes when we come in new, in sobriety, we consider ourselves so different from everybody. We are so unique. Our circumstances are so special that there's no possible way. Anyone can understand us. I mean, a lot of us come in with that attitude because we don't understand that we're all basically the same struggling from the same type of it doesn't matter what the drug or the alcohol or the, or the gambling is. It's pretty much all the same. And we all come to the same place of being on our knees before we realize we need help. And that help comes in the form of each other. Right. Coming in, you know, I suppose, I think especially as a teenager, you're really, you really think you're special. I mean, you really think you're unique and nobody, nobody knows my story. Right. And everybody's story. I mean, yeah, we've hear, we hear everybody's stories different, but you get in that room with these people and it doesn't matter how unique you think you are. Everybody's not in their head. Like yep. We get it. Yup. We've been there. You know, everybody understands on one level or another. It's a very common experience. We refuse to acknowledge that when we first come in, I think a lot of us, when we first walked in the room,
Speaker 1 00:33:41 That's what I've witnessed. And what I've experienced first hand is people that come into these rooms as they're called in AA or N a or whatever, a and they work the 12 steps. The one common ground is this power greater than yourself. It's this identification that I can't fix. This a human power cannot relieve me of my compulsive behavior, whatever it is. Right. And little did. I know that I, I knew people that said I have a really big fucking bone to pick with having a God or having a higher power or having something bigger than me. I just, I sometimes I just laugh at some of these at some of these folks. Not, not, not that I'm making fun of them. It's guess what? You just found your higher power. I believe that I can challenge that. Something is allowing me to challenge that. Yeah. And that can be your higher power. And that is the most beautiful thing about 12 step programs. In my opinion, is that you do need a power greater than yourself to restore you, to sanity, to relieve you of your compulsive behavior. And every single person in that room would not be there. If they didn't have some sort of twinge sparkle, speckle, a little grain of sand. If I have higher of higher power,
Speaker 4 00:35:02 I get it too. You know, I mean, when I walked in the rooms, I was like, this is a fucking cult. What the hell? They got these 12 steps on the wall. They they're talking about God, you know, why are they talking about God? What the hell thought this was a non-religious program? You know? So, you know, we have to understand that the big book is it's called a big book of alcoholics. Anonymous was written what in the thirties, you know, 1930s. And you know, they're not going to have like this politically correct language that we have today that says, Hey, you know, just pick a higher power. You know, it doesn't have to be a person. It does, you know, for a lot of addicts, I think particularly, you know, that been stuck in a room or alcoholic studio, stuck in a dark room with the windows closed.
Speaker 4 00:35:39 You haven't had nature in your face in a long time. And so for a lot of people that come out and get sober, nature's a real natural first higher power quote, unquote, something greater than myself. And I was fortunate enough to have the native American community embraced me. There were a couple native American folks, indigenous folks that were in my meetings and they were like, Hey man, we're having a sweat. Do you want to come? We're passing the pipe. I'm like, Ooh, pipe. I'm in, you know, and they taught me about their spirituality and their, their honor of the earth and the water and the air and all that wonderful stuff. And so for me, that was a natural. When I finally got serious about getting sober and I finally realized I needed to pick something truly stronger than myself nature did it for me.
Speaker 4 00:36:20 And I think for a lot of folks, it does now until you're ready to do something else, you know, until you're ready to say that it, you know, you might go back to the religion that you were born with, or you might just have a spirituality like Buddhism or Taoism or something that you find on your own. And you can say, wow, this is greater than me. And I can, I can meditate on it. I can ask for help spiritually or energy wise or something. But it's tough that first, I think when you first walk in those rooms, it's like nothing you've ever seen before. You know, you got people. I thought people were chanting when they were saying a prayer. You know, I mean, it was like, what is up? This is you and Charles, Manson's going to walk in any day or what's going on. I mean,
Speaker 1 00:36:59 It's at the pause button on the cult for a second. Uh, this wonderful cult or a super secret society is my sponsor calls it super secret society of very anonymous people. It's like, my name is Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons. Vanden navel. Let's hit the pause button on that for a little bit. I'd like to get to that later or expand on that a little more later. I want to get back to the end of your first stint of trying to be sober. Don't be sorry. We, we both like to tend gentlest.
Speaker 4 00:37:32 Okay.
Speaker 1 00:37:32 Yeah. So what was, what was happening at the end of those three months? How did that decline?
Speaker 4 00:37:38 No, I'd met these wonderful, newly sober people that were about my age, you know, between the ages of 18 and 21. And we were all going out to first avenue and seeing prince and the time and Sheila would dance and we're just having a blast. I'm sober and we're all together. So we're all supporting each other, you know? So it's not like you're walking into a bar and alcohol is your thing. And you're the only one you're looking around. And I'm the only one that doesn't have a glass in your hand. You know, it was just like, let's get out and dance, let's do something positive with all this energy, you know? So that was a beautiful thing.
Speaker 1 00:38:10 That's a beautiful thing. And not a whole lot of people get to experience it that early in recovery. So then what the fuck happened?
Speaker 4 00:38:18 So then I'm in a halfway house after, you know, after my treatment because my parents moved down to Texas and they said, oh no, you're not bringing her with you. She's staying here. She's got work to do. Uh, so I waved bye bye to them. I'm in a halfway house and I have, have my wisdom, teeth pulled. And as I mentioned, pills were a thing for me. And I went into the woman that this is a crossroads, the old time crossroads. And I think her name was Sharon, who was the original, what is she? Maven Maven of the place. And I went into her and I said, look, I'm really concerned because they're going to give me something. They're going to knock me out and I'm afraid. And they say, they give you pain pills after. And she's like, don't worry. We're sending you to a guy that knows all about this.
Speaker 4 00:38:59 He knows all about recovery. We'll do this. Right. You're fine. Don't worry about it. I get in there, I get the surgery done. He gives me, I think it was Tylenol and coding. And I'm like, dude, can't take this like, hi, I'm in a halfway house. And I thought you knew about this. He's like, oh, okay. So it gives me a prescription for Darvon. Well, Darren was something I bought on the streets and I looked up to my could and could higher power. And I went guess it's meant to be, huh, buddy. You know? And I just, it was, it was the excuse. I needed to just have a nice little trip and I was going to keep it a big old secret in a halfway house. Good luck with that. So pretty soon my roommates start noticing that I am higher than a kite and I'm still, you know, I was performing in band at that time.
Speaker 4 00:39:42 I'm still going out. We're still doing the gigs. We're doing, everything's going great. My life, as far as I'm concerned, you know, and I'm in this halfway house. And, um, you know, I'm seeing all my friends at the AA meetings, I'm like, cool, man, I can like be high and nobody knows it. Awful, just awful. And when it finally came down, it was just, you know, these kids would call me, like when I'm at the couch, I was on the couch afterwards, stand with my grandma just right after the surgery. And you know, I'm relapsing. So I'm not coming back as fast as they thought I would, you know, I'm like, oh yeah, I'm really in a lot of pain. And these sober kids are calling me going, Hey Molly, when he come back to meet, man, we miss ya. And I'm like, none of my using friends gave a shit about where I was.
Speaker 4 00:40:22 And how did that make you feel? It made me feel sad. It made me feel sad that I maybe even a little guilty. Right. But that I was choosing to throw that away for these fricking pills that lasted about three weeks, get kicked out of the halfway house, uh, was homeless, was going to an AA meeting. A woman stood up across from me and she pointed her finger at me across the room. I'll never forget it. And she said, you're fucking high. Get the hell out of here. And you don't apparently you don't do that anymore. But thank God that woman did that to me because I don't think there's any other way. I would've gotten it like in my head, like, holy shit, this is not appropriate. Like I would have manipulated and done everything I could, that would have lasted a lot longer than that.
Speaker 4 00:41:05 I decided right then and there that I wanted what I had for those three months more than I wanted those pills. That's what got me sober again. But it was just a little thing. And that's why I always freak out when I hear people newly sober or gonna have surgery. I'm like, you know, I mean, I get scared for them because it's really a, it's a really difficult time. If you're a drug or a pill head, it's like sending somebody into, I don't know. And we know a lot of people that do this, the bartend sober and stuff, but it is kind of like sending somebody in with three months sobriety into a bartending job. I mean, it's just really dicey. Yeah. It wasn't a big thing. It was just typical, you know, got to get your wisdom, teeth pulled. Boom.
Speaker 1 00:41:47 And was that the last time that you used when that woman called you out at that AA meeting? Yep. The very last time you used
Speaker 4 00:41:55 Took me and my pills into the bathroom at the uptown club and St. Paul, the uptown, a glove proceeded to flush them down the toilet as I sobbed, like I was losing a firstborn.
Speaker 1 00:42:08 Well, and I mean, that is that's that sounds, I mean, that's ridiculous, hilarious, all those things, but that's what it feels like. That's what it feels like. I know for me, when I had my last drink, I took a big slug out of my handle of shitty ass vodka. My dad was going to, my dad was giving me a ride to detox and he was sitting right there in the car and he watched me take my last drink. And I left probably three fingers of alcohol in the bottle. And I looked at it and I kissed it and I threw it in the dumpster. That's not a normal thing. People don't usually kiss bottles of shitty vodka and then throw it in the dumpster and then have a fucking breakdown. Your father
Speaker 4 00:42:56 Witnessed that
Speaker 1 00:42:57 Too. He watched me take my last drink. I got in the car and I said, dad, that's it. That was my last drink. And I haven't drank since that's
Speaker 4 00:43:07 So heavy though, particularly because of what your father does for,
Speaker 1 00:43:11 For those of you that, that don't know out there. If you haven't heard me mention it before, my dad is a therapist and he specializes in drug and alcohol counseling go figure, and that's, you know, that's a whole nother thing to
Speaker 4 00:43:25 Be so hard for him to watch.
Speaker 1 00:43:27 Oh yeah. Maybe hard for him to watch seeing how far down I had gone, but also probably one of the best days of his life. Yeah. Because he knew that I was a step closer to not dying, to getting help. Yeah. I was finally taking some sort of a peek out of the grave that I was already in. Just looking out at that sunlight, see that there might be something out there. Oh, that's so happy. Yeah. You and your best friend go into the bathroom at an a L N O club. And you flush your pills down the toilet by, by go your little babies. You're sobbing. What was going through your head? Just
Speaker 4 00:44:15 Like, I guess this is it. I guess
Speaker 1 00:44:17 That's it. What do you mean? Like your life's over. This is my last,
Speaker 4 00:44:20 Yeah. I guess I'm done with using, I'm done. This is it. And again, for a lot of people, it's like really clear when they get sober. Like, yes, this is it. I want this so bad. And you know, you're 18. You're like, okay, bye. You know, but you know, I mean, I knew that it was the best thing for me because I witnessed three months of life. That was like nothing I'd had in the previous five years, it was light. It was fun. There was laughter. There was sitting at embers, you know, when there were embers around and, you know, torturing the waitress until 4:00 AM for more whipped cream for your stupid coffee that you didn't, you couldn't even drink straight, you know? Cause you were so young. I mean, it was just, we had fun. Everybody's fallen in love and you know, getting laid and just, you know, whatever.
Speaker 4 00:45:07 It's just, we just had a blast, you know? And I knew that that life and those kids that I was witnessing talking about, going back to school, talking about, going to college, talking about healing, their family systems, talking about getting their own place, getting a pet that they could actually care for. You know, keeping a plant alive for a year. You know, I was told back then you gotta keep applying until I for a year. I did that. Right. I know you did. And then I got a dog and then you can get a dog. And if you can keep that dog alive for a year, then maybe you're ready for a relationship.
Speaker 1 00:45:39 No shit,
Speaker 4 00:45:40 No shit.
Speaker 1 00:45:43 Yeah. I want to pause you right there because we are talking about a whole lot of fucking strength and I'd like to let what we just said. Let what you just said, your testimony sink in a little bit with our listeners to let people know that you got sober at the age of 18, your experiences up until age 18 made you come to that point where you were like never again, which is totally unheard of. Totally unheard of.
Speaker 4 00:46:14 It was just, it wasn't never, again, it was what finally stuck for me, Nick was that it was like having an allergy to bees, to bee stings and walking into a room full of bees. It just, it felt like insanity, no matter what I did. And that's a one thing that, that gal, whoever that counselor was at the Hazel and outpatient, I mean, she looked at me and this was old school. Okay. This is 1981. You know, she looked at me and she's like, look, bitch, I don't care if you get sober or not. Cause I get paid either way. Cause I was a pain in the ass. I don't care either way, but you've been doing things one way, banging your head against a brick wall and you're bloody. And it ain't pretty now all I'm suggesting and it was logic. It was logical.
Speaker 4 00:46:57 Finally got me. All I'm suggesting kid is that you go a different way just down this golden little yellow brick road here and you do not engage in drugs or alcohol. Just give it a try for three months. See if your life gets any butter, if not, come on back. I'll give you money for a six pack or whatever your thing is. But she was like, do it or don't, but don't waffle in the middle. I'm not interested. And when you have somebody come at you with logic, when you're a kid and you know anybody that is engaged in drugs and alcohol to the point of a problem, they've got everyone in their life trying to get them help. Right? Everybody's feeling more than you are. Everybody's just, you know, they're all throwing themselves at you to get better. And so you don't have to feel, you don't have to think critically because everybody else is doing it for you.
Speaker 4 00:47:45 So I had that privilege going in and when this woman just looked at me like, look, bitch, I get paid either way. I don't care. You know, kid, you're a pain in my ass, but it's either logic. And if that doesn't, if that doesn't appeal to you, head on out the door and that stuck, I was like, even through my relapsed, you know what things were better when I wasn't using. And I just knew it the whole time, that obsession that they tell you about, if you're lucky enough to get in, into treatment, you know, where they have educated people on the subject, talking about that obsession of the mind, no matter what your addiction is, that obsession of the mind that as an 18 year old relapsing was like, fuck, it's back. That monkey is back and I can't get rid of it on my own. And I knew that
Speaker 1 00:48:31 We are going to take a little break and we're going to talk about how Molly kept that monkey off her back as she strides down the yellow brick road, we're going to get some strength next, but first you are going to hear Molly's fist music Hopi here on authentic and keeping authentic. We have to pay credit where credit is due, the musical stylings you ed on today's program to lead us off. You always hear. Mm, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my mad madness by muse and to take us off into the night
Speaker 1 00:49:27 Molly's pic Malibu by whole tune in next week for part two of Mali G, but for now be good to yourselves. It is ever so important.
