Speaker 0 00:00:00.0600000 Hey you. Yeah, you, if you or someone you know, is struggling with anything mentioned on today's program, please, please, please, please, please. Please email
[email protected]. That's a U T H E N I C K. The
[email protected]. I am available 24 seven three 65 to help in any way that I can. I have resources. I have open ears and open heart and tons of hope. I've been freely given all these things and would love to give them to you. Be good to yourselves and each other. Follow me on Twitter, using the handle at authen, Nick and my dog, Marla on Instagram at DJ Marla dot Jean
Speaker 1 00:00:51.2600000 Mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum, mum. <inaudible>.
Speaker 0 00:01:22.9700000 Well <inaudible>
Speaker 2 00:01:27.3300000 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 00:01:29.3100000 Welcome to author Finn.
Speaker 3 00:01:34.8700000 <inaudible>
Speaker 0 00:01:38.4000000 Yeah, my name is Nicholas Thomas Fitzsimmons. Vanden Hazel, but most people just call me Nick and with me as always is my dog Marla. Oh,
Speaker 4 00:01:56.4600000 Go RO ho <inaudible> bed that he Rose, uh, smiles.
Speaker 0 00:02:08.2100000 Alright. Alright. That's that's enough. Marla, go back to practicing your Rosetta stone. Anyway, here on authentic, where we get authentic, we talk about all things recovery. What do I mean by that? All things recovery. Well, what I mean by that is if you are still living and breathing on this earth, you, yes, you are in recovery from something. As for myself, I am in recovery from alcoholism. I'm also a drug addict. I also have bipolar disorder. I have an eating disorder. I'm a compulsive gambler. Really? The list could go on and on and on. However, fortunately for you, the show is not about me. It is about two people. First is my guest, Liz who will share part two of her story. Second is the one person that I know Liz is going to help by giving her testimony today. If we help one person on today's show, then we have done our job. We are here to tell you that you are not alone. Liz. Welcome back. Welcome back. Part two, commence Liz. At the end of the experience, portion of this show you were talking about when your mom and your dad came over to get you because your husband didn't know what to do with you. Your mom came in and she said to you,
Speaker 5 00:03:26.1300000 She said, hi, sweetie, are you ready for some help? I said, yes. And my dad dumped out my booze and my mom grabbed my clothes and a toothbrush and some things they might need. They took me home to where I grew up
Speaker 4 00:03:40.1800000 Back, where you started to ride them on the floor somewhere. So what did, what did that look like after you went home? What happened?
Speaker 5 00:03:48.4500000 That was obviously really sad. A lot of tears, not sure if my husband was gonna divorce me and keep my son from me, but also feeling very grateful. I'm ready to be done with all the bullshit. Yeah. And so I watched, I binge watched the movies with my dad, a lot of funny movies and we laughed and I slept a lot that night. I had some withdrawals. What did your withdrawals from alcohol look like? Well, it was kind of funny. I was like, I can't sleep. I can't fucking sleep. I can't stop thinking. My mind was just racing and my stomach hurt felt like I had to throw up the whole night. I didn't, I couldn't kept trying. And I couldn't. And then the F the carpet was moving. I was like, this is like a mushroom trip. I don't know. It was weird. I was like, hold loose in eating. It was weird. You detoxed at your parents' house?
Speaker 4 00:04:37.0100000 Yeah. I don't hear that too often. Usually it's a one went to the hospital and
Speaker 0 00:04:42.9200000 Admitted me and I was wearing a smock. My butt was showing they were giving me intravenous saline. That wasn't your experience? What did you feel from your parents when you were detoxing at their home?
Speaker 5 00:04:55.6000000 I felt like I was in safe hands. I felt like they were, they loved me. They were taking care of me. They weren't judging me, which was great. I needed that. You know, embarrassed. Why embarrassed? Just because I had become what I promised myself. I never would be.
Speaker 0 00:05:11.6900000 Did you have to grieve that at all that old self that said I will never. What did your grief from that younger self look like? Because you didn't start drinking until you were 25. And that was something that you said you would never do. You did start smoking pot at 20. What was that like grieving your younger self. That was steadfast on never drinking.
Speaker 5 00:05:34.4199999 It's funny. I, I pictured myself a lot as a little girl, and that made me cry a lot as if I were facing her. I was sorry. It kind of looked like what my mom looked like when she was sorry. And I want it to be that little girl again. And I wanted to be who that little girl was supposed to grow up to be. And what was that? Who, who I'm trying, I'm starting to look like now. I had somebody who was a helper, someone who was strong in there for others, smart, healthy in her mind. And in her body, I wanted to be a leader and a positive leader. My mind is continuing to get blown in this interview. I'm just scratching my head. It's like this woman is 90 days sober, three months sober. Yeah. You're talking to me like you've been sober for a year.
Speaker 5 00:06:22.9400000 I would say that's probably because my mom and seeing everything she went through and it was almost like living vicariously through her, watching her recover. And it gave me all this wisdom. And then also being kind of a late bloomer with my addiction. I had those five years of not drinking when most of my friends were and I would still go out and party with them and hang out with them. And I was the sober cab. I loved it. I loved being reliable. So I have that person to tap back into. It's like pants on Gretta, left breadcrumbs on their trail to follow back. Right? So that was a bread crumb. I left for myself, not realizing it. And it was one I could pick right back up in sobriety. So many people in addiction don't have that opportunity. Don't have those breadcrumbs laying in their past because that has never transpired.
Speaker 5 00:07:14.2099999 They have never gone through any period of sobriety in their life, right? Since they started, how would you tell them to get help being their future selves, the self that they want to be? How would you tell somebody to go about accomplishing that? That's a good question, Nick. Thank you. There's addicts who don't have that chunk of time, where they were sober, but everyone has a childhood. Everyone was a kid. Once I encourage people to close their eyes and imagine that they're looking at their self when they were five, let's say, and just face that kid be the hero that that kid needs. In essence, instead of being just distraught and guilt written and shamed, just ashamed of who they've become. What you're saying is go tap into that. Go tap into your authentic self, your genuine, pure self. Yeah. No one has ever said that on this program in regards to how would you get help?
Speaker 5 00:08:15.5300000 Yeah. Well, most people would say, I'll go to detox treatment, right? For you. It's about going back to the person that you wanted to be, that you said someday, I'm going to be this person. And all of a sudden you get sober and you're discovering that you can be it's wild. What happens when people get sober and they have that idea planted in their head that this is what they could possibly be. And if they stay sober and clean and ask for help, truly anything is possible. When you finished detoxing at your parents' house, what happened next? My husband came to visit me. He sat on the couch with me and he was very sweet and understanding, but sad, both of us were very sad. I said, are you going to leave me? Am I facing a possible divorce here? And he said, kind of took a deep breath.
Speaker 5 00:09:02.5500000 And he goes, no, I could not leave you. I'm not leaving you, but are you going to drink again? And I said, no, I don't want to, at least that I don't want to. I can't promise forever. I'll never drink again. As much as I want to say, no, I won't. You know, I have to, I can't sit and sober mind. I have to stay in the middle. And cause if you sit and sober-minded, it's dangerous, you think you've got it all figured out and then something blindsides you and you fuck it all up again. If you do say that, no, I will never drink again. That is an old self. That is the self that said I will never be like my mom. Right. I will never. Right. Yeah. So I kind of explained that to him. And he said, okay, well, if you think he rephrased his question, you said, you promise to always work on this or want to work on this.
Speaker 5 00:09:48.0600000 And I said, I can promise you, I will always want to work on this. How did you get to work? So I went to a meeting at 12 step meetings. Yes. A 12 step meeting. I think like the very next day I went with my mom. I shared a little bit about my story and said, I think I was like a day or two sober. There was just this warmth in the room. And they accepted me and people cried at what I said. And they, everyone hugged me and everyone was so sweet. Got a sponsor. What's a sponsor. A sponsor is somebody who holds you accountable. Someone who you can confide in when you are feeling weak in your sobriety and you need some help and advice and guidance. Someone who guides you through the 12 steps. How do you find a sponsor? How do you, how did you find that guy?
Speaker 5 00:10:29.0800000 So at the 12 step meeting, there is a question asked and it says anyone who is sponsored and willing to sponsor, please raise your hand. And I looked around the room, actually, this one woman handed me her number, her wrote her number down and handed it to me. And she said, I'm not going to raise my hand. I'm a little overloaded with sponsees, but I'd be willing to sponsor you. I think I texted her the next day. And she's still my sponsor. What else helped you besides going to these 12 step meetings? She immediately told me I had to do 90 in 90. And that is where you have to go to a meeting every day for three months. I did that, covered myself in sobriety. I found little things to do. If I felt like, Oh man, I really wish I could like smoke some pot or have a drink. I started reading, I've read 12 books
Speaker 6 00:11:09.7500000 Because that is a great substitute. Just smoking pot. Definitely lose yourself in a book. You can have an addiction to books. It's just fine. So
Speaker 5 00:11:23.0800000 Many hot baths. I don't know what it is about them, but it's just that space alone. And I love the warmth. One of the biggest tools I like to use is roll the tape. If I get to a dangerous point where I'm like, man, I just, just once it's fine. I can, you know, and I feel myself wanting to look around for something. I, um, I roll the tape and I say, okay, but if you do this, you're going to have so much guilt and you're going to regret it. And you're going to fall back into that person who you're trying to not be any more. And you're going to get farther away from that little kid that you were, or the person who you're trying to be. Now, the tools that you're using, the people that are helping you, it sounds like you are still seeking that comfort, that comfort that you got from that first hit of weed, that comfort that you got from that first sip of drank that comfort that you got from a man or a boy, whatever depends on, depending on what age you are.
Speaker 5 00:12:16.5100000 I'm not saying that you are any sort of sexual predator at all. I mean, I don't know you that well, no, I guess it was implied. Instead of using those things to suit you, you are finding new things to replace that with you said that you had some sort of religious thing going on in your childhood, that you renounced, what does your spiritual life look like? Because in this 12 step program that you talk about, it asks you to find this spirituality to rely on as opposed to relying on one's self or one's drug of choice. So one of the things that kind of scared me off from 12 step programs is that whole God thing. And what do you mean that whole God, there's a lot of talk about God and it seemed Catholic to me and I didn't want to become a Catholic again.
Speaker 5 00:13:05.6500000 I want to kind of put it out there that that's a stigma that it's God, as you choose to see him or them, it's your own spirituality. You get to define it. And some people even say, I don't know, and that's my spirituality. I don't know. I don't need to define it. There's just something what mine looks like in my head right now. What I tap into when I pray or meditate is, you know, the Aurora Borealis I do, it looks like that festival of lights. But naturally I tap into something that I believe is the energy that exists in all of the universe, all living things and everything in between all that dark matter and the energy that exists. And it looks like the Aurora Borealis. And I imagined myself floating up into it and I'm talking to it. And it's all the energy that every living thing puts into the earth spinning around in a beautiful rainbow above our heads.
Speaker 5 00:14:00.9400000 I go up there, put out my, what I'm struggling with. I asked to harness a little bit not to get grading, not too much, just a little bit of that positive energy that exists inside myself, probably in a lot of other people in a lot of other living, things of just love sobriety, being helpful to everyone else, continuing to put good energy back into it. The use of this spirituality in 12 step programs allows people like you said, to choose their own conception of this higher power of this God, as they choose to call it for lack of a better term, just to have something across the board, we're just going to call it God. Okay. Don't be scared. How do you wish it would have been phrased so that it wouldn't have scared you off? Because that is something that is heard. When people approach 12 step programs, they
Speaker 0 00:14:52.0100000 Hear the word God, and they have a negative connotation associated with that. And they run off and this program is helping save your life. So there's gotta be something to this God thing. How would you explain it? Other than saying God,
Speaker 5 00:15:06.6300000 The connectedness of all things the, I guess, I don't know. I don't know what name I would.
Speaker 0 00:15:12.6400000 If you didn't have to give it a name, can you explain how it works in your life?
Speaker 5 00:15:17.8800000 I can definitely tell the difference between a day I've tapped into it and the day I haven't
Speaker 0 00:15:23.0300000 Do you think it would be helpful for newcomers coming to 12 step programs to have this? See me before you enter, see me and maybe it's a testimonial, someone that takes you aside and gives you the rundown about what's about to happen. And this is what they're going to talk about. So give it a chance. Don't be scared. Do you think that would be helpful? Absolutely. What would you say if you were asked to give a testimonial to a person coming to a 12 step program room for the very first time,
Speaker 5 00:15:52.1100000 I would say, give it a chance. They're going to say God a lot. Pay attention to the fact that after they say God, they typically say a God of your understanding. You get to define this. This is your story. This is your life. This is your spirituality. I think I would also explain to people that a spirituality, when you don't have it, there is a void. That's something that we do need to feed as human beings. It's something we do need to tap into to feel whole,
Speaker 0 00:16:19.4800000 I find it interesting that you said human beings, not just people that struggle with addiction, it's all encompassing as you put it, that there has to be this safe place, this spirituality that has to be fed. How do you help others recognize their spirituality? Or how do you contribute to other people's pursuit of their spirituality?
Speaker 5 00:16:40.8900000 Hmm. Oh my God. I'm like three months sober. It's gotta be pretty basic. Yeah. What are you doing? It is a form of prayer. It happens in my car a lot. Just give me a quick example. It's in my head and it's more visual. I've always been more of a visual learner and a visual person. So you don't have to pray with words you can, if that's your jam. Absolutely. In my head, I just, literally, I just imagined, like I said, myself, physically going into this place where a lot of energy of the world exists being in it and harnessing positive energy with the intention to put more positive energy back in it. Have you ever seen the movie interstellar? Okay. Matthew McConaughey goes to that place. Yes, I guess so. I guess I can't necessarily answer what it sounds like, but I can tell you what it looks like. And I guess that's another image to give you where he goes in a way. Does that make sense? Yes.
Speaker 0 00:17:37.4800000 Okay. No. What? I've never told anybody. So you're lucky I am at the opening, the mouth of this dark wet stone. And I can't see behind me. I can't see the other side. It's complete darkness and I'm standing with my hands and my legs spread wide against the walls of the tunnel. There's thoughts, actions. There's things flowing towards me, all these things that are happening in my life that could happen in my life. All these things going on in my head that come in and come out there sweeping past me. All I can see is this giant tree, this tall grass, that's crisp. It's the kind of grass that grows in my parents' backyard here. The wind coming and the wind is my spirit. It blows through me. And past me goes into the tunnel. I can no longer see it. It's past me. All I can see is the sunlight in front of me and this giant tree and this crunchy grass pulled towards me in the wind. I love it. I don't know if I did it justice.
Speaker 5 00:18:42.0800000 That sounds amazing. Give me a goosebumps, right? You are living with your husband and your child. How do you wish to be supported by your husband on your sobriety journey? I have to say he's doing a great job. He, what do you need from him? I need him to understand what it's like in inside my head to be an addict. How do you get them to understand that? Well, now that I'm not high or drunk all the time, I'm able to articulate a little better and explain to him it's not me. And this I'm sorry. This is pertaining to my borderline personality disorder too. It's not me when I get anxious or upset and I take it out on you. It's not intentional, even though it totally looks intentional, it's not like I'm unconscious when I'm doing it, but it feels almost like I'm. I just see bred, been able to articulate that better to him. And he has come to a better understanding of what it's like to be inside of my head. And he's much more compassionate than back in the day when I was drunk and yelling at him and not making sense, trying to explain where I'm at in my head,
Speaker 0 00:19:49.3600000 Helping him understand this addiction, this piece of your life that has controlled you, that has split you apart from your husband, that split you apart from your child for a period of time, what would you like them to do? Action wise. You help them understand by explaining what it is you're doing, what it is that's going on inside your head. What do you need from him in order to support you in the physical realm?
Speaker 5 00:20:15.7100000 Right away in the beginning, I asked that he kept drugs and alcohol, nowhere near me. I couldn't know that it was anywhere around because I was too new and it kind of continues like that. Like I'm okay if he has beer in the house, that doesn't bother me. But if he's going to have like gin or something, I know that there's going to be something in the back of my head. Oh, you could sneak a shot. You know? So I asked him not to bring that in with pot, kind of the same thing. It's like, I can't have that around. I can't smell it. I can't, I'm just going to fiend. So that's what I asked him to do physically. He's been very good about, you know, he'll have beer
Speaker 0 00:20:48.3700000 In the house that doesn't bother me. For some reason. Beer was never my choice. I wanted the hard stuff, beer, it takes a lot of efforts does it's so heavy beer. You pee a lot. And it takes like, I don't know, depending on your weight, it probably takes like three or four, six or seven or 10 to actually get the desired effect. Whereas with hard liquor, it's just like, Whoa. Right? Exactly. And that's what addicts really want. They want that immediate relief, that immediate comfort. You're asking your husband to keep hard liquor and marijuana out of the house, not smoking in the house. So you don't smell it. Yeah. Does he still use marijuana? He does. He does still use marijuana. I can tell if he's smoked at sometimes that bothers me, but we've gotten to a point where not in the house. I don't know where he keeps it, which I want it to stay that way.
Speaker 0 00:21:41.0200000 It's not a daily thing. It's once in a while that he, that I can tell he's smoked some pot. Do you have conversations about that? Have you said, Hey, can you just let me know if you're going to go get high? And actually he does know. He lets me know beforehand. Look at that communication. Amazing. It's so beautiful. And I'm kind of AUSTRAC by this again, you're 90 days clean and sober, and you're already having these adult conversations with your partner, with your husband about if you're going to get high, like that's your deal? And I respect, and I know that this is something that you like to do. It's something that I can't do. I can't handle. And I know that about myself, right? That doesn't mean that you have to completely change what you do recreationally to have fun. It's this enhances your life.
Speaker 0 00:22:34.9300000 It's not a problem. Right? So mature day personally, and I'm not married. So obviously that doesn't play into my approach to significant others. It would be much different if I had a wife and, and all that. And that was established. I have this idea in my head that I cannot, this is definitely some dangerous black and white thinking that I have. And it's cutting me off from certain potential relationships. I have this idea in my head. I will not be with anybody that drinks or uses drugs. Okay. In fact, I would prefer to be with somebody that is working a 12 step program, similar to mine that could change. I could ebb and flow the idea of kissing someone and tasting alcohol or drugs. I think that would set me up. Well, I understand that completely. I think I again have an advantage where I watched my parents for many years. My dad couldn't have alcohol or booze in the house. And he was like, okay. And he didn't eventually, my mom was just okay with it over time. She was like, you can have stuff in the house. I'm not going to sneak downstairs and try to drink it. I'm good. I am happy. I kind of watched her do that. It can, you know, she continues to just be this guiding light in my life. She can do it maybe
Speaker 5 00:23:46.4600000 One day, I'll be like, you know what, sweetie, you gotta stop. You gotta stop for like, you can't have this around. As of right now, I know what it looks like to be okay with him doing stuff. And me not because
Speaker 0 00:23:57.4600000 Watched my parents relapse is a part of a lot of people's stories that are in recovery. Not everyone's story. It doesn't have to be a thing. However, it does happen. Have you experienced a relapse? Yes. This whole story led up to December and I got sober
Speaker 5 00:24:13.8800000 Second. Then I think about a month later, I justifying smoking pot again. So I've, haven't drank since December 2nd, but I did have a relapse with pot and it lasted a couple of weeks I think. And it started where I just smoked once. And I was like, this is going to be it. I'm saying goodbye to,
Speaker 0 00:24:31.5200000 Was that the idea? Was that the idea behind it? I need it. I need a proper goodbye. Yes. I wanted to use a proper goodbye with booze. I did too. You know, it's odd. It's like, well, I didn't have my proper goodbye with Percocet. I didn't have my proper goodbye with cocaine. I'm just listing all these crazy ideas. I can concede that. I've definitely had a proper goodbye with alcohol, but there's all these other things out there. Those are the stories that this addict part of us. And it's always going to be a part of us. This addict part of my brain, part of my being is always going to be there doing pushups in the parking lot. When I'm in a meeting, it's always there waiting for me. And the more I do contribute to what I like to call my sobriety savings. The more I contribute to that, the further I get away from that, dude, that's doing pushups in the parking lot. That's going to ask me, Hey, you want to go have a beer? So in order to make contributions to those sobriety savings, I have to continue to help others. Who helped you when you relapsed? Well, my husband, he was obviously there to help me relapse a little bit. He smoked with you. What did he say to you before you guys smoked? I kind of explained to him,
Speaker 5 00:25:47.1000000 Definitely my addict mind, like just justifying it and then getting him to believe that justification. And I was like, I need to say goodbye. This, this
Speaker 0 00:25:54.4700000 Drug helped me through so much, want to say goodbye to my, to the plant, to my green goddess. I gotta say, thank you. And farewell. He was like, okay,
Speaker 5 00:26:05.5300000 Smoked. And then the next day I smoked without him knowing. And then a week went by because I had work and I was like, Nope, done. That's it. And then the next weekend I wanted to smoke again. I was like, see, this is fine. I'm just doing it on the weekends. And then it just, it just unraveled. And then it was becoming a daily thing for about three days. And then I was like, all right. And then at one point we were at my parents' house and my mom's asked me to speak at a 12 step meeting in a year, in a year. You can speak at this one. And I was like, Oh yeah, yeah. Okay. And the guilt set in, went home. And my husband said, how do you feel about lying about this and immediately
Speaker 0 00:26:43.4000000 Fuck. Yeah, like you said, it was okay. It's always somebody else's fault.
Speaker 5 00:26:49.1500000 And then I broke down and then I stopped and I was like, Oh my God, you're right. And I can't put this blame on you. And I texted my sponsor, which was the hardest thing to do because they thought she was going to like disown me as a sponsee, all this stuff. And, but all she said was, it was very brave that you said this it's very brave that you told me. I know it's hard. I'm glad that you want to stop and get back and do it. You know, I'm here
Speaker 0 00:27:13.2600000 Saying that I love around the meetings around the rooms of these 12 step programs and it's, we don't shoot our wounded. I love that saying, because it really encompasses what these 12 step programs are putting out into the world. If we get it, it hurts. Shit happens. It's hard. The most important thing is that you get honest and you get back into it. And it's so cool that your explanation of that relapse explains the whole idea behind recovery is that I can't unknow what I currently know. And nothing feels right. Nothing feels right when I'm doing X, Y, or Z
Speaker 5 00:27:54 <inaudible>. And I can't get right. When I have that sitting in the back of my head, who do you need to get right with my spirituality, myself, my family, my, the people who are holding me accountable. Everyone.
Speaker 0 00:28:06.6200000 How have you been able to stay clean and sober today? I'm talking about this day today, today, today, today, today. Well, what is it me?
Speaker 5 00:28:18.0500000 Yeah. Um, this morning I ha I was, I did a 12 step zoom meeting. It's an all women's meeting. Not that I don't like meetings with everybody there, something about all women's meeting that I really liked to just starting my day. That way it just helps. It just gets me in the right spot. And I feel exhilarated afterwards. I take naps on the weekends and it's so nice. I sleep so much and, and it's sound sleep. And it's so nice. You know, reading the book sometimes when I need to and praying when I need to and looking into my son's face. Oh, he's just hilarious. He gets me through every day. He's so funny. And just watching the world through his eyes, it's like being a kid again, yourself.
Speaker 0 00:28:59.6600000 What I heard from your description of your day was two things. Self care. That is so important. Yes. I heard service and self care. Those two things tend to be so key in my everyday life. If I can be of service in one way, if I can get out of my own way, if I can get outside of myself and I can help myself, it's weird. It's this cyclical thing where if I go and help somebody else, it makes me want to help myself so I can help other people and round and round and round we go. It's just like that cyclical thing that comes from using, from drinking and using drugs. It's like, I feel bad. I feel shitty. I sad. So I use this drug. And then when I'm done using this drug, I feel guilty because I've used this drug. And I feel sad because I've used this drug. I shouldn't be using this drug. And then I use that drug to get rid of that field, right round and round and round and round, we go, you found this different cycle. How are you helping others to get into that cycle? You said you go to 12 step meetings. What do you do in those 12 step meetings to help people get into or stay in that cycle?
Speaker 5 00:30:09.5200000 I share my experience. I teach by example, instead of trying to force someone, reaching out positive comments to people who've shared as well, encouragement to other people with my husband and my son. If I get upset, if I get frustrated and I start taking it out on my husband, I catch myself and I apologize, hold myself accountable for my actions. And I take responsibility for them. And that helps him with his own cycles with my son. I, I want to be a good example for him so that when he gets older and he goes through his struggles, he can think back and be like, how did mom deal with this? How did mom do this? I'm going to do that
Speaker 0 00:30:48.2500000 Again. I am just blown away by this maturity in this, this selflessness that just falls from you. It's so weird. It's like, you're shedding, selfless. It's not like gross, like snakeskin. It's just kind of like little breadcrumbs rumbles that I'm going to leave behind. It's like, follow me.
Speaker 5 00:31:09.5000000 Yeah, follow me. That's something that my grandmother, we have a very big family. And we, people always say that she would tell them if they're not listening to you, just walk towards what you're trying to get them to do. And they will follow it. So basically the messages stopped talking at them. Just go do it. And they'll see how great it is for you. And they'll want to be in that space too.
Speaker 0 00:31:28.2700000 What was your grandmother's name? Barbara. Why's Barbara. Yes. I love it. All right. We are going to take one more break. And then Liz is going to talk about my favorite four letter word. No, it's not. Fuck. It's hope.
Speaker 7 00:31:45.5200000 <inaudible>
Speaker 3 00:32:04.5900000 That's the feeling. Feel it, feel it. The wings away. D D one two <inaudible>.
Speaker 0 00:33:08.3900000 We just had a really good time. Welcome back. I was trying out these new, like welcome back things. They were just terrible. I did Foghorn Leghorn and like the gal from the Popeye's chicken commercial. Hey, love that chicken from Papa guys. Go for some fried chicken right now. We have finally made it into the whole section of the program. My favorite four letter word, H O P E. Hope. Liz, when you first got sober that day, that your mom and your dad came to pick you up and take you home. What hope did you have to hold on to what was it that kept you going those very first couple of days,
Speaker 5 00:33:48.3400000 My son being what he needs me to be, because I know in reality, he's going to grow up. Growing up is fucking hard, man. I have to be this strong woman for him. And when I'm not, when I'm feeling weak or having trouble, I have to let him see that. So he can see me come out of it. That excited me, that gave me hope and a purpose.
Speaker 0 00:34:09.2300000 Your son grows up and he's an addict and an alcoholic. Clearly this is hypothetical. He's two and a half years old, but let's, let's just say heaven forbid, nobody likes to have these hypotheticals, but I mean, it's, it's more, it's more, I mean, it's more about you and what you've learned. So that's why I'm throwing this out there. Let's say your son grows up and you recognize that he's an alcoholic and a drug addict. How do you approach him? When do you approach him? What do you say to him to give him some hope that whatever it is, he's dealing with drugs and alcohol, they're not the answer. What do you say to your son?
Speaker 5 00:34:46.5600000 I would do something similar to what my mom did in more recent years, when she was sober, deep into her sobriety, she was starting to notice me falling into my own addictions. And she didn't tell me that I was an addict. She didn't tell me I was an alcoholic. She never said, you need to go to a meeting. You need to get help. She just made it so that I knew she was there when I needed her. That's what I would want to do for my son. I don't, I can't make him do anything. It's that lead by example again, I can't force it. That might make him run from me further. I just need him to know I am here. His dad is here. We are that safety net for him to fall into and ask for help from when he's ready.
Speaker 0 00:35:30.7900000 So many people that struggle with addiction die, people are falling off, man. They're falling off the of the earth and it's become, it's insane. How many people are dying every day from addiction? A lot of people just aren't fucking talking about it. They're like, Oh yeah. Another guy died from heroin overdose. Oh, I heard they're lacing heroin with fentanyl. And that's why these kids are dying. And that's all they fucking say. That's all they say. How are you going to be a person in the world that spreads the message of hope that spreads the message of help? Not just in your family, not just in your little clutch, in your bubble of sobriety. That is wonderful. You have this community. That's what helps you with your day to day. What are you going to do so that people aren't dying? Oh shit, what are you going to do? It has to start somewhere.
Speaker 5 00:36:25.9799999 I think mental health is a big thing that needs to be addressed more. Especially for kids. There should be DBT therapy. It should be in middle schools for children. They give you these worksheets to work on, to work through your strong emotions that you don't understand to help you understand them. And I think that that needs to be in school in the curriculum.
Speaker 0 00:36:47.9300000 So these DBT skills, what did their DBT process look like for you?
Speaker 5 00:36:52.9400000 Well, there's homework. I had one group meeting a week and one, one on one meeting a week with my therapist and then I'd get homework. And there were little skills. One of them was stopped and it was just, you had to stop assess the situation, come back to it. After you've calmed down in so many words, and there were a bunch of them, there were, you know, there was ways the pro weigh the pros and cons there. You know, there was just it. I have a book at home that I keep in my room and so that if I need to pull it out, I can. And that's, uh, that's something that I want to have available to my son as he's growing up. And I want, I think it should be available to lots of children so that we can help people address these things at a young age so that when they get into themselves into trouble older, they have something to tap into. They have that knowledge.
Speaker 0 00:37:38.8100000 I'm not putting this on you. Like you have to do something. What I want to know is if that's something that you were going to do spread this DBT workbook, how do you address a school? How do you do that? God, what sort of testimonial would you give them to convince them that this is necessary?
Speaker 5 00:37:59.8500000 Uh, maybe I would start with my story and explain that I didn't have the tools when I was younger. And even though I was leaving these bread crumbs for myself, I still fell into addiction. Even though I saw everything fall apart, I still became a victim to what was already in my DNA. I would hope that would move them. And I would bring up kind of like what you said, people are dying from this. It's an epidemic it's not being addressed the way it needs to be. And this is where we can start. These are hard questions, man. I don't know I'm answering.
Speaker 0 00:38:31.5500000 Oh, you're killing it. No, you're killing it. I do hard questions. There's a reason why I ask hard questions. I asked hard questions because it forces you to think about what am I doing today? And it forces me to think about what am I doing today? You know, I write down these questions. I come up with these questions, not to poke the bear it's to allow the other person to think about something that I'm thinking about, that I'm not doing, that I could do. And I want to hear someone else's side of it. How would you do this? Oh, I hadn't thought about that. Now I have more information. I have more skills. I have more things at my fingertips to take that step, to take that leap, to find another person say I've helped two people today. Why not three? I'm going to pick a third person to help today.
Speaker 0 00:39:19.8400000 And this is how, from something that Liz told me for me, I think that's where we're falling short. We're just helping the people that are right in front of our noses. If you have access to certain platforms, then take advantage. Don't be a quote, unquote, innocent bystander. Don't watch this shit happen, right? Be a worker among workers, be present, be a part of the human race. Don't be an observer observers. Don't save lives. Liz, why aren't you? One of the statistics that exist. So many people are dying from overdose, suicide accidents related to drug and alcohol use you very easily could have been one of those. I could have very easily. I should have been one of those, but I'm not. Why do you believe you are not one of those statistics? Why are you still here?
Speaker 5 00:40:07.9300000 Oh man. Ah, there's gotta be a reason maybe to do this podcast today so that this person a over here or this person B over here hears it and says, Oh shit, that's me. I got to get myself. Right? And maybe little things like that will continue to happen. The more I go to these 12 step meetings and share my message and share whether it's my story or what I'm feeling that day. And someone relates to it. A newcomer relates to it and it changes their world.
Speaker 0 00:40:33.8900000 I love the phrase. That's it's escaping me that I can't remember who said it. The opposite of addiction is not sobriety. The opposite of addiction is connection. It's so true. How I connect matters. Every little thing I do matters. I'm a human being. I am fallible today. Am I going to do more good than bad? I guess that's what it really boils down to. Am I going to help one more person? Am I going to show up? Am I going to wave to somebody? If they let me into the lane in traffic, am I going to smile at somebody? That's looking very sad. Am I going to say hello and give a cigarette to a person, holding a sign on the side of the road and ask them their name. I didn't do that today. I don't know why I didn't. Sometimes they do. What if, what if I did that every time?
Speaker 0 00:41:20.6900000 What if that's where real change comes from? Is those little inklings inside me? And I say, Oh, you know what? I should, I should do that. And then I don't, if my first thought is kindness, love, compassion. Maybe I should on it. And if I do this weird service cycle thing happens where if I get outside of myself and I help someone else, all of a sudden I get a tap on the shoulder and it says, Hey, remember that thing you were having a really hard time with, well, here's a solution. You can choose to pick it up. You have the skills. That's how it works. Liz. I want to play a quick little game. I want a player. I am a 29 year old woman. I have been on a week bender. My husband and child have left. Does this story sound familiar at all?
Speaker 0 00:42:06.9200000 Vaguely. Vaguely. Okay. So I'm you okay, but I'm not you. Okay. What do you, what, what should our name be? Emily. Emily Shay. That's my, one of my sister's names. Excellent. So my name is Emily. I'm 29 years old. I've been drinking for a week. My husband has left me. My child is gone with him two and a half years old. I've lost these things and I have nobody else. I don't have a mom. That's a recovered alcoholic. I don't have a dad. That's there to love me and take care of me and come to my house and ask me, are you ready for help? I'm that person. And you get a call. You get a call from someone that says I got just the girl for you that has gone through the same exact thing. It's crazy. This woman is like living your life. Her name is Emily. Could you go over and just talk to her? My name is Emily. What would you say to me? I would tell you it's okay. Look at me. I know it's a weird game, man. Honestly, though. Look at me. My husband and my child are gone. I don't have anybody left. I can't stop drinking. All I want to do is drink. And all I want to do is stop drinking. What do I do? I don't know what to do. Tell me.
Speaker 5 00:43:17.1500000 I would tell you it's okay. You don't have to be embarrassed in front of me. I have been. You I've been there. This is not you. You can stop. I would ask you to come with me to a 12 step meeting. Tell you to give it a try. Maybe I wouldn't say much at all. Maybe I would just hold you cry with you and just tell you it's going to be okay.
Speaker 0 00:43:37.6000000 That to me sounds like the opposite of addiction. What do you mean? That sounds like connection.
Speaker 5 00:43:43.7500000 Hmm. It made me think of Robin Williams. Hugging. You can edit this out if you need.
Speaker 0 00:43:50.1300000 No, I, I, I'm excited to see where this goes. Um, hugging Matt. Damon's saying it's not your fault. It's not your fault. You know what movie that is? Yeah. It's the name is escaping me right now. It's not bad, but Goodwill hunting. We should go on a game show. Okay. I wanted to address your mental health real quick. You expressed that you have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Are you on any medication for that? No, I'm not. Is there medication available for people that are struggling with that? I'm sure there is, but I don't know what it would be. How are you getting help with that? Do you still get help with that today? I think my 12 step program perfect
Speaker 5 00:44:32.1300000 For it. I did love DBT in a lot of ways, but at the same time it would have appreciated it more as a young kid because it's like worksheets and homework and it's, uh, kinda like you have a therapist, who's got a watchful eye over you. Whereas now it's in my 12 step programs. I feel like the 12 steps helped me address problems that come directly from my borderline personality disorder more than DBT did as an adult. So what's, you're saying is this 12 step program is all encompassing. It doesn't just solve your drinking and drugging problem. Right. It doesn't really solve any thing. Right? It's a design. Yeah. A design for living. Yeah. It's a recipe. Yeah. Yeah. You can fucking bake can follow directions. And there's 12 directions. We're baking a 12 layer cake. Yes. When you bake that 12 layer cake, what is it really that you get out of it?
Speaker 5 00:45:27.6600000 I get happiness and that is, has been a, I'm a sad person for a lot of my life. I've always wondered what's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy? And that's, you know why? Yeah. I drank and smoked. Cause they made me happy. And this Tosta program, I just, I get so happy. I remember I was a couple of weeks sober. It was my brother's wedding. No, a couple of days sober. It's my brother's wedding weekend. I was kind of going over some writing from my 12 step program. I like, I felt like I was like a soda in a pop can. And I was just fizzing with this just happiness emanating from me. As I was reading about the 12 step program, that connection you make with the people in those rooms, I immediately have unconditional love for them all because I don't know.
Speaker 5 00:46:14.1300000 There's just such a connection. And that brings me happiness. So yeah. Happiness. How are you spreading that? Unconditional love to people that are not in a 12 step program that work, it can be kind of stressful. I work at a funeral home. There's a lot of different personalities and there's a lot at stake with what we're doing. You know, we need people to they're in fragile places. They just lost a loved one. They're so sad. They're in grief. My job is to bring understanding and compassion and connection in a professional manner to people who are strangers. And then also to my coworkers who, I don't know what, how their day has looked. I might get kind of pissed off at this funeral director because they didn't do this on there. So now I gotta do their, you know, I got to pick up their Slack.
Speaker 5 00:46:58.8600000 If I look at it that way, of course I'm going to be upset and it's going to ruin my day. But if I look at it as like, Oh man, we're all juggling 15 million things in our heads every day at this job, this person probably had to go and bomb someone and you know, do a bunch of other things. And I stopped myself and I take a minute and I realized they're human being too. They've had a day outside of me. I can pick up the Slack. It's not a big deal. Or if I can't, I can reach out and ask someone else in the company for help. That sounds like a lot of we
Speaker 0 00:47:30.3400000 And very little if any meat floor me. Okay. The question that I always ask, and you are an avid listener. So you know exactly what I'm going to ask my notes. Oh shit. I told you to be authentic and genuine script your shit better stare into my eyes during this whole answer. No, I know it's Liz as a human being on this earth, what do you want your legacy to be? How do you want to be remembered as a human being?
Speaker 5 00:47:59.7300000 I want to be remembered as someone who led by example, which we've kind of already addressed. I want to be remembered as a peacemaker. There's so much going on in the world and there's religion versus science in a lot of conversations. I hear there's friendships being broken up over political disagreements. I want to be that person who can step into those conversations have an open heart to both sides and help those people find the commonalities rather than the differences to reach a point of understanding that they don't agree. And it's okay. They can still be friends. There's more to gain from their relationships with each other. And I want to help people in little ways with that. And I want to be remembered for that. And I also want to be remembered as someone with healthy humility, someone who doesn't think Sunshine's out her ass or who knows, like doesn't think she knows everything that has confidence and holds herself accountable for her own actions.
Speaker 0 00:48:53.7000000 One word comes to mind when I listened to you talk and that's grace feel this grace, thank you effortless. Honestly, pretty beautiful to watch. And that can only be explained by a human being that is connected with an unbelievable spiritual side. There's this earthly and unearthly mashup that you got going on. That's just, it's just beautiful. Sweet. Yeah, you're killing it. Liz, Liz. Thank you. Thank you so much for being on authentic, where you most certainly have gotten authentic. I'm filled with gratitude. Thank you so much. You've given me a full heart tonight. Thank you. This has helped me so much, and I know that you have helped one person tonight. So I know, so, and that means that we have done our job.
Speaker 5 00:49:44.4800000 Mmm.
Speaker 0 00:49:47.2500000 Always here on authentic, where we get authentic, we have to pay credit where credit is due to open the show as always you heard mama, mama, mama, mama, mama, mad madness by muse. Then we got into Liz's lyrical picks at the first break you heard, I feel it all by Feist. And to take us off into our own worlds, you will hear not just knee deep by Funkadelic written by George Clinton, Liz, before I send us off and do my magical punchline, what do you want your sign off line to be? The show is coming to an end. We've had a magical time. And
Speaker 5 00:50:27.0500000 So my son likes
Speaker 6 00:50:28.2500000 This. It's not really a word like you're explaining it. Just pearls are mummified parasites. You heard it feels like a parasite. Don't worry. You heard it here. First that pearls are just mummified parasites and always be good to yourselves. It's important.
Speaker 7 00:50:50.6700000 <inaudible>
Speaker 3 00:51:22.3900000 <inaudible>.
